Today I went to lunch with Kathy, and after we're done she was like "I wanted to ask you..has anyone ever told you to say thank you when someone does something nice for you? You never have with me, and it kinda hurt my feelings." I told her that saying thank you is extremely hard for me, not because I don't appreciate it (of course I do!)..it's just one part of my autism I haven't been able to overcome yet (when Nina, who used to be my job coach, and I went to lunch, that subject came up once, and I was like "you know I appreciate it right?" and she said "yes, I can tell by your smile that you are thankful. A lot of my autistic clients are like that"). Kathy was like "that's not an excuse! Someone came up to me once and said that you need to say thank you, since you never do." Wait, what?!? I asked her who had said that and she said "I'm not going to say, it doesn't matter." Then I just started sobbing. She drove me back to work and I just had to hide in my office and cry..I didn't mean to hurt her feelings!! Then I thought of that "someone" who said that behind my back and felt angry and betrayed, like my whole world had just shattered. I've always wondered what people say when I'm not there, and I guess now I know. I haven't felt that depressed in a long time..if you have a problem with me, just come up and talk to me about it! I saw Kathy go into Becky's office..I think she knew that I was hurt and was telling Becky about it. I told Paulette and Denise about it, and they were both very understanding. I know they'll always have my back. <3 Kathy kept trying to talk to me like nothing had even happened, but I was too hurt to talk to her. I had to come home because I was too upset to function properly lol (I took a Xanax and went to bed LOL). I know I need to work on saying thank you, but that was NOT the right way to go about it..it hurts me deeply someone would say that behind my back. I feel better after a nap and writing this, but it still hurts. I think I'll need to talk with Kathy again, when I'm not so upset..I think I hurt her too. :( I'll just have to pick myself up and move on..I know who my true friends are and that means a lot <3

In happier news, I seriously cannot believe it's been a year since I got into polar exploration and Cherry. It was so funny, I was at work and all of a sudden, BAM! I was just sitting there like "CHERRY ANTARCTICA YAY" LOL. Cherry has definitely been an inspiration to me and has helped me through hard times <3

( pics for aug 13 and 14 )

Today's trivia: For one dazzling minute each night in Providence, Rhode Island, buildings, boats, nightclubs and folks on the street make the city skyline sparkle by flashing lights on one side of the Providence River. The aim is to brighten the spirits of kids in Hasbro Children’s Hospital, located on the opposite bank (omg this is AMAZING..I heard it on the radio earlier and couldn't wait to share it!)

I think I may have been right about math being easier since I'm more mature..I'm actually interested and having fun doing the homework..whaaat haha. Then again we're doing basic stuff. :P I like the online homework too..it'll help you if you're having trouble! That'll definitely help when we get to the harder stuff. I need to get my anxiety/depression under control before I do anything else though..English just panicked me and had to drop it. I feel like I don't belong in any career and don't see myself getting through college. I feel awkward and useless. I have an appointment with my doctor next week..I hope we can find a medicine that works..cause Paxil isn't anymore. Ughh..

( 141. Play )

Would you rather have to suck all the ink out of a ballpoint pen or paint your tongue with Wite-Out? Whichever is less poisonous haha

Today's trivia: It is considered rude to talk with your hands on your hips in Indonesia

I've been soo stressed lately..the AmeriCorps term ending in April, the class yesterday, annoying stuff online, the weather, etc. Last night it all built up and I just couldn't handle it..I went to bed at 9:30 cause I just didn't want to be awake anymore. I threw my clothes on the floor, didn't brush my teeth..just managed to close the blinds, take melatonin and turn on my electric blanket. You know I'm upset when I don't read before bed. I didn't really feel better when I woke up this morning either..I was SO tense and needed to talk to someone. Eventually I called mom at work and talked to her and just started crying. Ugh..I hate crying at work haha. Luckily the heater fan was on which is pretty loud (seriously, I feel deaf cause someone can be talking to me in a normal voice and I'm like "huh??" haha). I asked her if she could get off work and go to lunch with me and she did. I also called Nina and canceled the class today cause I just couldn't do it. She understood and said I should see my counselor again..could be a good idea. It definitely helped being with mom. That and crying made me feel better. My mom is awesome haha. I hate being stressed..

Eww..when I get to work after walking outside I smell like smoke and ice fog. Grosss..

( new meme..another picture one! cause they're the best ;) )

Would you rather fall through the toilet hole in an outhouse or be temporarily trapped beneath a pile of dead animals? D:

Today's trivia: Twister was the first movie released on DVD

Kathryn and I are taking a break from talking on IM for awhile. We're gonna still read each other's LJs and leave comments though. I treated her badly in the past..she told me the absolute truth about it..it sounded like what happened with Amanda. Man how could I be such a bad person? But she forgave me when I apologized..and she apologized for hurting me..it almost made me cry! And to everyone else I've annoyed/hurt, I hope you can forgive me too. All this started with a conversation with Dana..I wasn't totally truthful in it though. I wanna be a good person again..but I can't let my past haunt me. I can't change it and I'm different now..it'll make me guitly, depressed, etc if I dwell on it. Dana..please help me to never let this happen to us..don't let me control you..I think you should be able to say what you want to me and even curse. I'm NOT messing up another friendship again (but of course we could disagree with each other and maybe fight but that's somewhat normal). Why do I usually have to learn my lessons the hard way?

Today's Latin: odor lucri (the smell of money)

I suppose I should write more feelings posts in here? I'm not that good (or comfortable) with them. Also I've almost lost a friend and made people mad/not feel good about themselves..so it turns me off from doing it too. Um..well last night I felt really bad..I feel like when I say things to people I say them cause I wanna be noticed and I feel stupid and stutter and am emarassed..but it doesn't really effect me till I get really depressed..then I think "MAN am I stupid..why can't I control this? Why do I have to be so shy and awkward in social situations?" Why is it people are friends with me? Do they not think I'm stupid? And I'm really selfish..it's like I set standards too high on friends and they can never be truly happy with me..though it kinda goes away when I get to know them better..or when something baaad happens. I want people to enjoy being with me. I want to be a GOOD speaker who has confidence in her voice. I guess that's enough for now..

Today's Latin: praefationem praetereamus (let's cut to the chase)

Last night was really bad...

I know one of those guys from my school who was vandalizing things...he used to make fun of me cause I liked trees

I feel...I can't be anyone's friend anymore...I don't wanna be anymore...am I destined to be alone? Why do I deserve friends? I'm too selfish anyway but can't see it. Kathryn...hurt me...a lot last night...I don't feel I can hang on to the friendship...I don't feel like I can depend on her. Can I depend on anyone besides God? Is God my only friend? Help me someone...

Today's Latin: musica delenit bestiam feram (music soothes the savage beast)

"Let the four winds blow, the tempest come. Let the seas run high till the battle's won, let the cannons roar"--"English Man O' War," Saxon

In Latin I called someone shiny and he looked at himself and then was like "OMG I'M SHINY!! That's the best thing I ever heard! That's the best compliment I've ever gotten!!" And he kept telling people "Heather called me shiny! Isn't that the coolest thing ever?!" Haha wow *blushes*

We had a US history test and I wrote funny things on the test haha (Wendy does too). Like it asked about the Italians Sacco and Vanzetti and I wrote next to their names "Italians *drool*" Haha it was fun. Then I saw a pic Wendy had drawn and it was anime but it was sooo awesome. It had wings and awesome clothes and it's titled "descent of the archangel" (hehe my idea) and she's gonna scan it and I get to have the original!!! Yay!!! I'm gonna hang it on my wall with my other drawings...oh and at lunch we had to go behind the stage to get something and it made me think of POTO and I expected to see Erik or have a backdrop fall or something...it was awesome

Haha did you know nemo is no one in Latin? So Finding Nemo is really finding no one lmao

Um this is gonna ruin the mood of this entry but I'm tired of not putting it in here. I really really really hate that time of the month (which was last week). I keep getting so depressed and gets worse every time. All last week it seemed like Wendy was ignoring me at lunch and just talking to her friend and so on Friday I freaked out majorly...ugh. I kept freaking out on Kathryn too. And like the littlest (wow that's so not a word) things make me so depressed. I'm scared of next time now...I dunno what to do...*phew* Man I'm glad I finally said that...

Today's Latin: hic nomen subscribite (sign here). Huh? That looks more like "sign this name"...

"Once and for all and all for once, nemo my name forevermore"--"Nemo," Nightwish (and that definitely makes no sense)

Well it looks like I'm gonna lose another friend...oh boy. It's probably my fault too. I bet she won't even care either...all she cares about her boyfriend and how wonderful her life is...I make perfectly fine comments on her LJ and she's like RAAAAR *attack*...and she may be kinda ignoring me...well and Kathryn too. Are we like the most shunned people on earth? Well she better GET OUT OF HER IMAGINARY DREAM AND NOTICE THINGS OTHER THAN HER BOYFRIEND!!!!! She's gonna sooo kill me for saying this but it's true. "My life is so beautiful I don't care what *word* it throws at me!" WTH?? That is a horrible attitude! I mean my life is beautful and I care about things like that...they're unavoidable and you have to deal with them...I'm extremly tired of this and I don't care what she says cause she knows it's true!!! I'm tired of being ignored and shunned...SEE THINGS FROM MY POINT OF VIEW FOR ONCE!!! You're probably thinking "OMG I feel guilty and I'm a horrible person" right? Well don't...you're not a horrible person and if you feel guilty...that's the point...it makes you think and all. Wooooow this felt good to say. You know...I don't really care if I lose her anymore...at least Kathryn actually cares for me EVEN when she had a boyfriend and it true...even when we have fights. Man I hope I don't get unfriended for this...

Don sweeee don sweeeee don sweeee....

"They all hail the mighty chosen one reaching the skies with their cry. They are ready to reach Ancelot, Arwald's calling loud"--"Lux Triumphans," Rhapsody

I'm afraid I'll never get to talk to Amanda on IM again. Sure Christmas break is coming but she'll be working then too and probably won't wanna talk cause she hasn't done it in awhile and will be depressed or something...and I don't wanna call her cause I'm afraid I'll interrupt her or her dad or Linda will answer. *shudder* Ah well, at least I have Kathryn, Caitlin, Heather (rdyfrde) and David...but I promise, I will never be too busy for friends...I've experienced it. I've seen what it's done to people. I'd feel horrible...

I feel a change in myself. I dunno how it happened. It just...did. I mean I can tell my mom what's bothering me instead of just drowning in my depression. I can ask teachers for help and raise my hand. I couldn't have done these things a few years ago...I'm conquering autism, yay!

Could this week be going any slower?! *wants to see Trans-Siberian Orchestra*

( looong survey )

"Mementos of summer retrieves your mind like a drizzle afternoon cleans the air"--"Memento Mori," Kamelot

I've felt like I was gonna explode for the past few days cause I've been wanting to talk to Amanda. I asked her yesterday to come on...and she did. She kept explaining she was busy...I knew that already! She doesn't need to keep telling me. She was only on for like 10 minutes then she had to do her homework. As soon as she left I immediately started crying...a lot. You must know it takes a lot to make me cry. I felt like a baby and and an idiot but it felt so good I didn't wanna stop. Then later I wrote Amanda a looong email explaining what happened and what I wanted to tell her all along. I spoke from my heart and soul and poured my true feelings out (as Kathryn said to do). Later she replied back...and hadn't listened to word I said!! She was like "thanks for making me feel guilty...I'm a horrible person...I dunno what I did wrong..." WTH? I just told her! Does she not listen to anyone but herself? Did I write that whole explanation for absolutely nothing? Why does she always feel horrible and guilty when I tell her things like that? She's explaned things like that to me and I didn't feel that way at all. *sigh* Should I just...not be friends anymore? Am I not allowed to have friends? Am I just allowed to be some random lonely person in the shadows? What's if this same thing happens with Kathryn? I'm just like Erik in POTO...his only true friend ever left him for someone else with Erik in tears. Please someone help me before I explode...or cry...or just go insane

I need to read The Scarlet Letter now...valete...

Oh wow I need to post this song...it's exactly how I feel now...

( can't you feel the rage? )

"I see the injustice everywhere I go. I search for tomorrow and I know you will be there"--"Hammer of Justice," HammerFall (wow that quote makes this post seem extremely ironic)