South Pole Station by Ashley Shelby (Oct 29-Nov 4). The main character and her brother's hero was Cherry, and would quote him throughout the book. When her brother ended his own life, a copy of Worst Journey was found by his body. The book ended with a Cherry quote too..I'm glad he inspires other people too! (Even if they are fictional people lol)

How the Penguins Saved Veronica by Hazel Prior (Nov 4-7). A grumpy old lady goes to Antarctica and hangs out with penguins haha, and she read Worst Journey too! (Though it didn't make her feel any better :P)

The Signature of All Things by Elizabeth Gilbert (Nov 8-14). OMG THIS BOOK WAS SO WEIRD. It was partly about plants, which I expected, but also about her sex life (well, a lack of one), and how she loved going in her closet to "frantically explor[e] her spongy petals" of her "quim" (yes, that is what it said). OMG NO that's more than I ever wanted to know. O__o I kept on reading hoping it would get better, but it just kept getting weirder
( a funny review from someone on goodreads )

I Am Still Alive by Kate Alice Marshall (Nov 14-16)

My Penguin Year: Life Among the Emperors by Lindsay McCrae (Nov 17-20). He only mentioned Cherry at the end?? Come on, he deserves more than that LOL

With Ski and Sledge Over Arctic Glaciers by William Martin Conway (Nov 20-21)

Cold the Night, Fast the Wolves by Meg Long (Nov 22-25). SO GOOOOD! I always like when an animal companion plays a big part in the story <3

Don't Let in the Cold by Keely Parrack (Nov 25-27). The main character fell in love with the guy that broke into her house who she'd only known for like two days..seems unrealistic to me LOL, but the rest of the book was pretty good

Adrift: A Secret Life of London's Waterways by Helen Babbs (Nov 29-30). This was way more boring that I thought it would be..at least it was a quick read lol

Nine books again!! I hope one day I can get 10 and break that record lol. It was kind of hard choosing this month because next year's challenge topics hadn't been released yet, and I didn't want to read one that would fit in next year's challenge (it was released today! It looks HARD! I do like the "from an animal's POV" and "a book set in the snow" topics though)

Today me and Vicki, after realizing the year is almost over, just looked at each other and were like "wow.." The first part of the year was awful for both of us (her husband died in her arms in February), but the second part of the year has been great for both of us. Vicki could absolutely see the progress I've made with healing from depression, even though she hadn't seen it for the whole time I was struggling. It was a powerful moment for both of us. I'm so glad I met Vicki, she's so caring and supportive and just a comforting person <3 (we got yelled at by a customer today, and both Lucie and Vicki said I handled it very well..we still had to go to the back and "cool off" for a couple minutes though lol. Unnecessary rudeness is not cool!)

I'm sad..Old San Juan's famous cats all have to be removed. :( To be fair, the place did smell awful, but still, the cats were one reason I loved it there. I hope they can find good homes for them!

( a cute pic of abby! )

25 – Shopping Reminder Day: Shopping Reminder Day falls roughly a month before Christmas, and as such it’s the perfect reminder to go ahead and get started on all of your holiday shopping. How do you feel about holiday shopping? Do you need a reminder to go shopping for holiday gifts? I don't need a reminder, I just always wait to the last minute haha, but it is fun to find just the right gift

26 – Cake Day: Cake or pie? Or something else? Cake...mmmm, frosting

27 – Pins and Needles Day: Can you sew, either by hand or by machine? What was the last thing you sewed? No. Something in Home Ec in middle school, probably??

28 – French Toast Day: Do you like French toast? No, and I don't understand why it's so well liked..soggy bread that's tasteless, no thanks :P

29 – Throw Out Your Leftovers Day: How do you feel about leftovers? Are you happy to eat the same food more than once in a row, or do you crave variety in your diet? Do you take leftovers home from a restaurant when/if you eat out? I like leftovers, though after a couple days I get tired of them. Yes, I purposely don't eat all my food (usually) at a restaurant so I can take some home and be excited to eat it the next day lol

30 – Stay Home Because You're Well Day: Have you ever taken a mental health day from your job, or just decided not to go to work even though you weren't sick, because you felt like staying home or for some other reason? Yeahh, I had a mental health six months..not fun

December 1 – Cookie Cutter Day: Do you own any cookie cutters? Any unusual ones? Tell us about them. No

1. When did you recently have the feeling, "Life is good"? Yesterday, after doing well at work this week
2. Which do you need more, routine or spontaneity? Both
3. Do you have a difficult or annoying neighbor? No, thankfully they've been evicted. I'm so glad it's safe there now! Last year it was like the Wild West before Jose was hired D:
4. What do you want to change about yourself? Be happier, for one
5. What do you like best about where you live? Glaciers (you can see glaciers just by driving for 2 or 3 hours?? Amazing!), the Northern Lights, moose, etc

I worked four days this week! I was very tired (especially since it's been in the 80s all this week), but proud and felt accomplished. Just a few months ago I was seriously thinking of quitting because I couldn't handle anything. I'd get so stressed if there were lots of books to shelve, and felt like I had to do everything in one day. I'd go home thinking of all the work there was still to be done. Now I've learned it's impossible to do everything in one day..if I only have time or energy to shelve a couple boxes of books, that's fine. Denise has told me she's grateful no matter what I get done, and finally I got it through my head. I'M SOOO much happier and relaxed finally realizing this..no one is judging me for the work I haven't gotten done yet, they're pleased with whatever I accomplish that day. Now I go home thinking of everything I DID accomplish that day, and feel great about it! My anxiety is so much better now! I wish I could have realized this a long time ago, it would have saved me a lot of stress lol. I don't know what it is about the Prozac and Amitriptyline combo, but my body just seems to like it. I never should have stopped it in the first place! (I don't like that Amitriptyline makes my mouth dry, but that's still better than anxiety/depression!) My mood still isn't quite what it used to be, but I think that might be because I'm constantly sleep deprived..I'm hoping the CPAP will fix that. My anger has gone away (that's a sign I'm VERY depressed) and ( TW: suicidal thoughts ) My counselor was so happy yesterday when he heard how much I've improved..he and my psychiatrist were huge factors in that..I can't repay them enough. I'm glad I'm enjoying working again, and that things seem a little brighter now after all I've gone through this past year. Thank you everyone who refused to give up on me, even when I was convinced I was broken and hopeless <3

( july 22-28 )

1. What keeps you up at night? My thoughts go crazy and won't shut up :P
2. How well do you operate on insufficient sleep? Not very..if I'm tired enough (like after flying to Europe), it feels like the floor is swaying under me
3. Under what conditions do you get your best sleep? In a warm cozy bed, dark but not TOO dark, feeling calm..
4. What unusual places have you slept in? I tried sleeping on the floor of an airport once..it's as uncomfortable as it sounds D:
5. What’s a good song about dreams or dreaming? "Dreaming" by Blondie..I love the line "dreaming, dreaming is free"..it sounds so calming

Hooray, I found a new psychiatrist!! I'm seeing her on Tuesday the 31st (it was supposed to be next week, but that particular psychiatrist wasn't seeing any new patients). I REALLY hope she can help me better than Larry can (I want to try Spravato, which is for treatment-resistant depression and has pretty good reviews.) My counselor also wants me to see a psychiatrist he says is really good, but I can't see him until May, so I need to see someone else in the interim. My health hasn't been great this week..on Wednesday, I felt so awful physically and mentally I slept till FIVE in the afternoon!! I'm taking an "official" Leave of Absence at work for at least four months (though of course I can go back sooner if I'm feeling better), and they're going to hire a temp person while I'm on leave..I'll still be an employee though. They're so awesome..they know how badly I've been struggling and want me to focus solely on getting better instead of worrying about whether I'll be able to get up in the morning or worrying my jobs aren't getting done..that did help me feel better when I woke up this morning. I can't wait to actually function properly again LOL

( jan 14-20 )

I'm embarrassed to say this, but last Sunday I had to go back to the Psych Ward..the meds they prescribed the previous time for possible bipolar disorder seemed to work ok for a few weeks, and then my depression and anxiety kept building and getting worse, to the point where I was angry the time always went by so quickly, could barely function at work, dreaded doing anything, etc..on Sunday I couldn't take it anymore and went to the hospital. The doctor who admitted me before was there, and when he heard I was on medicine for bipolar, he was like "uhhh, no, you have depression!!" We were all annoyed I was on medicine I didn't need..I also heard Prozac takes like 20 some days to get out of your system all the way, so that must have been what happened. You *have* to go back to the Psych Ward for the hospital to prescribe you meds, so I grudgingly went back..I started Remeron first (another anti-depressant) and the Prozac a couple days later. I remember I was always angry before I first started the Prozac in 2016, and it was NOT good to feel that again..I NEVER should have let them take me off of it in the first place. I was so messed up when I was admitted that EVERYTHING was overwhelming..people talking, rustling of papers, etc..it was awful. There were at least four other patients there that I saw on previous visits, so that made me feel a little less badly about having to go back. I've felt a little better yesterday and today, so I was released today. I'm not really up to going back to work yet (maybe the Christmas party tomorrow), so I'm just going to chill and relax at my parents' house until my mental health gets stronger (I think it takes a couple weeks for the meds to REALLY take effect). I can't wait for this year to be over..except for a couple things, it's been awful. I really need to learn to ask for help sooner though, and not let myself get into a crisis, and not let doctors take me off important meds!! I REALLY don't want to go back to the Psych Ward again lol..I definitely want my life back :P

( dec 3-8 )

Over a month ago, I got an eye exam and ordered new glasses..the optometrist said I could get them for free because I had Medicaid and I was like "uhh..no I don't." She kept INSISTING that I had it, even thought I KNOW I don't have it anymore. Eventually I just shrugged and went with it and ordered new glasses, though I had a bad feeling when I left. When the 3-4 weeks wait time passed and having heard nothing, I called them and left a message, but never heard anything back. I stopped in once and a guy said they were super short staffed and said he'd call me the next day, but never did. I never could get ahold of anyone when I called, so today I'd had enough, and mom and I went over there today, determined to get an answer. When they lady my chart, she was like "nothing ever happened, we were waiting on Medicaid to approve them." I TOLD THEM I didn't have Medicaid, and I'm sure that document or whatever went nowhere. I KNEW that was going to happen! This was the same place where the doctor was like "well that's what we came up with" when I told her the prescription wasn't right. Yeahh, I don't think I'll be going back there again. They're falling apart. :/ We went to a different place to order glasses, which was a much better experience..they said the glasses should arrive in 2-3 weeks, sometimes even faster. Much better! It's sure been hard trying to get glasses the last few years LOL

I've also been dealing with really bad tiredness, which, along with depression, makes it impossible to go to work sometimes. I'm sure part of it is meds, but I'm wondering if I'm still dealing with the effects of covid..I don't want Long Covid! *cries* I really want to be my old self again, but I guess it's going to take time..ugh

( sept. 2-6 )

Today's trivia: The infinity symbol is also called a lemniscate, after the lemniscate curves of a similar shape studied in algebraic geometry, or "lazy eight," in the terminology of livestock branding

Last Saturday, my anxiety and depression became too much, so I went to the hospital and checked myself in to the Behavioral Health Unit (aka Psych Ward. My dad was there a few years ago too). I noticed I'd been more anxious and stressed these past few months, and the covid isolation was the final straw for a major depressive episode. I felt tired all the time, woke up at 6 and would become super anxious, I couldn't concentrate on reading, and just felt like dying. It felt even worse than my depression in 2015..I definitely waited too long to get help. I thought I was broken beyond help (mom said I was "scratched" lol, and those heal). You couldn't have your phone, jewelry, or even your watch (I got lots of practice reading analog clocks haha), which made me feel naked lol. There was a computer, but so many things were blocked that it wasn't really worth it to use it much, and the Internet stopped working on it the last few days I was there. When dad was there mom and I visited, but they didn't allow visitors this time (covid ruins EVERYTHING! At least I could talk to mom on the phone!). Unless you were in the bathroom or shower, you had no privacy..you were always on camera and it seemed like a nurse checked on you like every 15 minutes. I like my alone time, so that was hard. Some of the other patients were definitely in worse shape than me, which made my heart hurt. I also had to be in isolation for a day and a half because I still tested positive (ugh), but, in a moment of genius, I had taken a picture of my positive test, so mom sent that to the nurses, and that, along with my vaccination record, got me out of isolation..I was so relieved lol (and made a friend..she was so funny!). The first days were HARD..one day my depression was so bad I just wanted to lay in my bed forever, and just not eat anything..the nurse didn't let me stay in bed though, and I actually did feel better after I got up. We had groups, lead by an occupational therapist (assertive communication, coping skills, even dog therapy!). Other people didn't like going to them, but I was relieved to have something different to do! My doctor tried new meds..first I tried Seroquel, which helped, but made me WAY too tired. I ended up with cholecalciferol (for Vitamin D, mine was SUPER low..probably one reason I've been so tired), Olanzapine (taken together with Prozac, it helps with depression), Propanolol (helps with anxiety), and Trazodone (helps with sleep). Dana sent me flowers yesterday, awww!

As long as I felt stable enough, I was determined to leave by Friday (I wasn't "committed," so I could leave whenever I thought I was ready)..I wanted to go outside, sleep in my own bed, see Abby, have some privacy! I'm definitely doing better, so I got to go home (well, to my parents' house lol) today, yay! I'm still pretty tired, but I'm sure a lot of that is because of covid, so I just have to be patient and let my body heal. I visited work, where everyone was happy to see me. Everyone said to just come back when I'm ready, and go home if I get tired, even if I'm there for just a couple hours. Both mom and Denise said I sound more like myself..apparently when I was talking to Denise last week, I kept hesitating, like I had trouble finding my words or something. I know when I checked in last Saturday, I definitely had trouble thinking of the word I wanted to say! I was so messed up lol. I am SO happy to be out of there, with no cameras constantly watching me. I'm glad I went though, I definitely needed help. Hopefully my "scratched" self will heal more and more each day! I'm going to get counseling at a Behavior Health Center too..I don't want to end up in the psych ward again!

My parents' neighbor's kids were out when we got home, and they LOVE Abby, so they asked me to bring her out so they could pet her
( what happened when I brought her out? )

9. Have you ever read a book, or watched show or movie, that made you cheer more for the antagonist rather than the protagonist? I like Loki haha, especially if it's Tom Hiddleston :P

10. What is your favourite thing to do on a Sunday morning? Read in bed, go online..

11. What are some of your favourite ways to cool down or keep cool on hot summer days? AC, fans, drinking something cold..

12. What's the craziest thing you've done for love? Nothing really..

13. When was the last time you had an inspiring conversation? Who was it with? Uhh..someone at the psych ward, I assume

14. If you didn't have any responsibilities for the day, what would you do? I wished I could go online at the ward, I was tired of doing the same things!

15. What was the last fruit you ate? Apples, in apple pie..mmmmm

Last week was the worst bout of depression and anxiety since starting Prozac a couple years ago, and it was even WORSE than I remember it feeling..my whole body was SUPER tense and my face ached from grinding my teeth (nothing I took would make it go away either). My head felt like it was stuffed with wool and I couldn't think or speak properly. I usually wait a few days before going to the doctor since it usually goes away on its own, but once I started feeling that anger and Feeling of Doom in my stomach..NOPE. I left a message with my doctor to see if she could get me in, which she did..when she saw the message she was like "yeah, I *definitely* need to see you, we're not letting it get out of control again!" She raised my dose of Prozac for now, and I feel much better (except for birch pollen allergies, ughh. My eyes are so itchy!!). Hopefully I can go back to my regular dose eventually (she asked what triggered me..who knows!). I can't believe I used to live like that ALL THE TIME though! No wonder I was so tired and never wanted to do anything back then..wow. Good thing I know when to get help now..I refuse to live like that!

After working more on my family tree, I found out I'm related to former president Millard Fillmore! Tabitha Millard (Hopkins) married Abiathar Millard, and their daughter Phoebe Millard married Nathaniel Fillmore, and Millard Fillmore is their son! He's my 3rd cousin 6 times removed..that's so cool!! I'm also related to John Hopkins (1613-1654), who came over with the pilgrims (it's kind of a debate whether he came on the Mayflower or not, since there's more than one Stephen Hopkins in that time period, who was his father. He definitely was a pilgrim though). He founded Hartford, Connecticut! Now I want to go there lol. I'm glad I finally decided to learn about my family haha

( May 13-15 )

Today's trivia: Maine is the closest U.S. state to Africa

Today me and a volunteer were talking about mental illness..the director of the Soup Kitchen took his life a couple weeks ago (which is a couple doors down from us, and he used to shop at the bookstore..we were all sad :(), possibly because he stopped taking his meds. I was saying I did the same thing because I thought I was ok, which messed me up for years. I told her that 2015 was the worst year of my life..I had horrible thoughts and I was angry all the time. She said "you were definitely angry when I started volunteering..you would go 'meh' and ignore me when I said hi to you, and one day I asked how you were and you snapped at me and said 'I hate when people ask me that!!'" OMG..I was HORRIFIED!! I knew I was bad, but WOW. D: She knew I was struggling though (she and Becky were VERY worried), and she said now I'm a completely different, happier person and is glad we're friends now lol (I'm still embarrassed I did that though!). I told Becky because I thought she mind find it interesting too, and she was like "yeah, that's the year you hated everyone..we kept getting new volunteers and you just saw the bad in them. It was upsetting to me too!" I do remember that, and the bookstore manager at the time actually had to pull me aside and tell me to give them a chance. I can't believe I let myself get that bad! I must have been so unpleasant to be around lol. The situation with the Stone Soup director hit close to home for me, because that could have been me if I hadn't gotten help when I did (the closest I came was getting somewhat out of bed..it completely freaks me out to think about that D:). Crazy. I am so grateful for Prozac giving me my life back, I know people were very worried about me!

This morning a lady came in and was like "my brain isn't working right..I should be on meth, but it's illegal. I want to make Mexico the 53rd state so it will be legal!" Umm..ok. O_o She said she loved writing on her hand, and if she lived in Israel she would write the prayers on her hands so she could have something besides skin to wash off (me and Paulette: .....) and she just kept saying weird things. Paulette had to tell her to leave because I don't think she trusted her..she got angry and asked me "what is that lady's name that told me to leave?" Umm no, I wasn't going to say a word. She was like "you don't own the building. With or without your names, I'M GOING TO REPORT YOU!! I have advertising!" Eventually we got her to leave, and Paulette told me "if she comes back, come get me and we'll call 911." Wow. Today was very interesting lol

Today's trivia: The chainsaw first started out as a tool known as an osteotome, used for removing bone and to perform symphyiotomies (also known as Gigli’s Operation), the cutting of a woman’s pelvic ligaments to assist in childbirth (D: D:)

So my doctor changed me to a new-antidepressant again..the Lexapro was working some, but not enough. My face/teeth have been hurting from being tense and grinding my teeth (last week it was swollen..it's possible the high pressure that moved in didn't help either), I'm having a horrible time sleeping, been thinking of cutting my arms with my cat's claws (wtf?) and just feeling horrible. I am SO tired of being depressed and in pain all the time..I'm glad my doctor cares and heard my pleas of help..she changed me to Prozac and referred me to a psychiatrist (the counselor at UAF is ok, but I just need someone with more experience). I hope I'm not broken and that *something* can help me for more than a couple days..ugh (don't worry though, I won't hurt myself!)

Yesterday was Ryan's 24th birthday..when did we get so old?? Haha

( Day #27: Saddest death )

Today's trivia: Tsutomu Yamaguchi was in Hiroshima for work when the first A-bomb hit, made it home to Nagasaki for the second, and lived to be 93. Although at least 160 people are known to have been affected by both bombings, he is the only person to have been officially recognized by the government of Japan as surviving both explosions

The Paxil has stopped working again..I just keep feeling worse and worse. My thoughts have been going nonstop..my brain just won't turn off. It's annoying when I'm trying to sleep. I have to take melatonin to get relaxed enough. Yesterday I had awful brain fog..I almost left my apartment without my backpack (which has my keys in it)! I NEVER do that. During class I was just like "mrrrrghhh *stares vacantly*" This has to stop. I went to the doctor today and she prescribed Zoloft. She said it's nothing like Wellbutrin..it has gentler side effects. It helps with OCD along with depression and anxiety. I read good reviews on it too. I really hope it helps..I want to feel happy and normalish again :(

( Day 3: A song from a film score written by two or more composers. )