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glacier_kittyI just got around to reading 2012 in Fifteen Minutes haha..I shall post the funniest parts here
Quaaaaakes, Quakes Will Tear Us Aparrrrrt
GORDON: You know, here back at Coincidence Beach while the kids are gone, I feel like there's just something coming between us, Amanda.
AMANDA PEET: Like my unwillingness to have a baby with you? Or my ex-husband's continued but inevitable presence in our lives?
GORDON: That, or the giant chasm now running through the Kroger, sure.
THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE I HATED
[Governor Fauxenegger is on TV assuring the people that everything will totes be okay WHEN SUDDENLY:]
THE EARTH
OKAY LOOK HUMANITY
I AM SICK OF YOUR DUMB ASS
AND A WHOLE HOUR OF NOTHING HAPPENING
GTFO
JOHN CUSACK: JESUS CHRIST IT'S CALIFORNIA GET IN THE CAR
LILLY: Not without my hats!!
GORDON: Cusack, we have earthquakes all the time--
JOHN CUSACK: GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!!!!!!!!
GORDON: Excuse me, this is a PG-13 MOVIE and there are CHILDREN IN THE LIMO--
JOHN CUSACK: I'LL SWEAR IF I FUCKING WANT TO, GORDON, THE WORLD IS GODDAMN FUCKING ENDING IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIE.
[So The Earth starts throwing freeways and explosions and liquid shit and little old ladies at the Gordon-Cusacks--]
JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A GIANT FUCKING DONUT
[-- and jump a bunch of insta-gorges while people scream and die. Okay... maybe that part's not so cool.]
GORDON: Wow... shots of people hanging and jumping from collapsing buildings. That's... uncomfortably... 9/11-esque.
LILLY: *bawl*
[You made a little girl CRY, 2012. ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?]
JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING HELL IT'S ANOTHER AWESOME PART AND IT'S COMING RIGHT AT US
[And then they DRIVE THROUGH A FALLING SKYSCRAPER while California collapses beside them and over them and under them like a bad soufflé and it is THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, or at least the most awesome thing I have ever seen involving a limo and an earthquake. Then they get to the airport, where someone's got to fly a tiny private plane through a terrifying action sequence, who could possibly do it?]
GORDON: But I can't flyyyyy, I only took two lessons because that's what bored rich doctors dooooo--
THE EARTH
FLY THE PLANE, ASSHOLE
[And then California falls into the sea. Woe.]
[And then the Yellowstone Caldera asplodes in a three-tiered mushroom cloud.]
JOHN CUSACK: IF ONLY WE HAD A FRIDGE FROM THE '50S!
[But John Cusack's got Hatgirl in the camper with him, so they're totally okay. They jump another insta-gorge and everything! And then The Earth starts pelting them with fire and brimstone and giant expensive volcano meteors, all of which miss the Camper of Crazy while The Earth rips open right behind them. I totally believe all of this could happen because it is BADASS.]
GORDON: All right, whatever, we're leaving. BUCKLE UP.
LILLY: But Daddy's looking for the map to save us!
AMANDA PEET: THAT IS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN AND THE STAR OF THE MOVIE, YOU ASSHOLE!
GORDON: PEACE OUT, LLOYD DOBLER
[But you can outrun the temperature and you can outrun the wind, so obviously John Cusack can outrun the apocalypse. Gordon, who is not the star of the movie, is only just able to outfly it.]
THE EARTH
SERIOUSLY I AM GETTING REALLY BORED WITH THIS
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE TSUNAMIS
AND ALSO MOUNT EVEREST
OLIVER PLATT: Okay, seriously, Mount Everest is REALLY CLOSE NOW, Cusack needs to get on the stick down there.
[The American Ark scrapes the European Ark and the strangely, disproportionately small terrain of Mount Everest and a few icebergs and then Air Force One crashes into it because what? I don't even know.]
Would you rather get poison ivy all over your rear end or between all your fingers and toes? Between my fingers and toes?
Today's trivia: The largest egg ever had five yolks
Quaaaaakes, Quakes Will Tear Us Aparrrrrt
GORDON: You know, here back at Coincidence Beach while the kids are gone, I feel like there's just something coming between us, Amanda.
AMANDA PEET: Like my unwillingness to have a baby with you? Or my ex-husband's continued but inevitable presence in our lives?
GORDON: That, or the giant chasm now running through the Kroger, sure.
THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN IN A MOVIE I HATED
[Governor Fauxenegger is on TV assuring the people that everything will totes be okay WHEN SUDDENLY:]
THE EARTH
OKAY LOOK HUMANITY
I AM SICK OF YOUR DUMB ASS
AND A WHOLE HOUR OF NOTHING HAPPENING
GTFO
JOHN CUSACK: JESUS CHRIST IT'S CALIFORNIA GET IN THE CAR
LILLY: Not without my hats!!
GORDON: Cusack, we have earthquakes all the time--
JOHN CUSACK: GET IN THE FUCKING CAR!!!!!!!!
GORDON: Excuse me, this is a PG-13 MOVIE and there are CHILDREN IN THE LIMO--
JOHN CUSACK: I'LL SWEAR IF I FUCKING WANT TO, GORDON, THE WORLD IS GODDAMN FUCKING ENDING IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, HOLY FUCKING SHIT WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIE.
[So The Earth starts throwing freeways and explosions and liquid shit and little old ladies at the Gordon-Cusacks--]
JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A GIANT FUCKING DONUT
[-- and jump a bunch of insta-gorges while people scream and die. Okay... maybe that part's not so cool.]
GORDON: Wow... shots of people hanging and jumping from collapsing buildings. That's... uncomfortably... 9/11-esque.
LILLY: *bawl*
[You made a little girl CRY, 2012. ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?]
JOHN CUSACK: OH MY FUCKING HELL IT'S ANOTHER AWESOME PART AND IT'S COMING RIGHT AT US
[And then they DRIVE THROUGH A FALLING SKYSCRAPER while California collapses beside them and over them and under them like a bad soufflé and it is THE MOST AWESOME THING I HAVE EVER SEEN, or at least the most awesome thing I have ever seen involving a limo and an earthquake. Then they get to the airport, where someone's got to fly a tiny private plane through a terrifying action sequence, who could possibly do it?]
GORDON: But I can't flyyyyy, I only took two lessons because that's what bored rich doctors dooooo--
THE EARTH
FLY THE PLANE, ASSHOLE
[And then California falls into the sea. Woe.]
[And then the Yellowstone Caldera asplodes in a three-tiered mushroom cloud.]
JOHN CUSACK: IF ONLY WE HAD A FRIDGE FROM THE '50S!
[But John Cusack's got Hatgirl in the camper with him, so they're totally okay. They jump another insta-gorge and everything! And then The Earth starts pelting them with fire and brimstone and giant expensive volcano meteors, all of which miss the Camper of Crazy while The Earth rips open right behind them. I totally believe all of this could happen because it is BADASS.]
GORDON: All right, whatever, we're leaving. BUCKLE UP.
LILLY: But Daddy's looking for the map to save us!
AMANDA PEET: THAT IS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN AND THE STAR OF THE MOVIE, YOU ASSHOLE!
GORDON: PEACE OUT, LLOYD DOBLER
[But you can outrun the temperature and you can outrun the wind, so obviously John Cusack can outrun the apocalypse. Gordon, who is not the star of the movie, is only just able to outfly it.]
THE EARTH
SERIOUSLY I AM GETTING REALLY BORED WITH THIS
HERE, HAVE SOME MORE TSUNAMIS
AND ALSO MOUNT EVEREST
OLIVER PLATT: Okay, seriously, Mount Everest is REALLY CLOSE NOW, Cusack needs to get on the stick down there.
[The American Ark scrapes the European Ark and the strangely, disproportionately small terrain of Mount Everest and a few icebergs and then Air Force One crashes into it because what? I don't even know.]
Would you rather get poison ivy all over your rear end or between all your fingers and toes? Between my fingers and toes?
Today's trivia: The largest egg ever had five yolks
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Date: 2010-08-11 05:08 am (UTC)I'd rather get poison ivy in between all my fingers and toes.