Lord of the Rings: FOTR parody
Nov. 7th, 2007 03:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
glacier_kittyI finished my parody on FOTR..I shall post it here. Enjoy haha. I suppose I'll do a parody of The Two Towers next
Wow college is stressing me ooout..wah essays
Prologue
Galadriel: THE WORLD HAS CHANGED OMG! MANY things have been lost. No one can remember where though..like where they put their glasses. Anyway, gather around everyone, and I'll tell a story! There were many Rings of Power. Only THREE were given to the Elves, can you BELIEVE it?? We're like, the most beautiful things ever to have existed! WE NEVER MESS UP!!! At least I got one. Seven went to the Dwarves. Ugh Dwarves. And nine were given to Men, WHO ALWAYS MESS UP NO MATTER WHAT! THEY WANT POWER! So what did someone do? They gave men rings of POWER. But Sauron forged a ring for himself, in Mount Doom. HE PUT CRUELTY IN IT! No one can figure out how, but the people of Middle-earth were getting destroyed by Sauron. But a last alliance of ELVES and men resisted! I like to watch the epic battle on TV..well, until Sauron comes AND MESSES UP THE EPICNESS. How COULD he? Also, I get distracted by Elrond's eyebrows
Sauron: Die, idiots, die! *flings them around with his staff* Whee! I HAVE A SHINY RING AND YOU DON'T SO THERE!
Galadriel: The man who was Isildur's father tried to fight Sauron but just got thrown against a rock wall. Then Isildur tried to pick up his sword but Sauron stepped on it and then Isildur cut off his fingers
Sauron: I'LL BE BACK! *implodes*
Isildur: Oooh, shiny
Galadriel: And so Sauron wasmostly destroyed except for a flaming eye destroyed. Isildur was SUPPOSED to destroy it but men are IDIOTS and he took it but the Ring killed him anyway
Ring: Mwahahaha
Galadriel: It was lost in the water where he was killed and for like 2000 years everyone forgot about it. Then Gollum found it
Gollum: MY PRECIOUSSSS
Ring: Are you asking me out?
Galadriel: The Ring made Gollum live a long time! Well actually, 500 years is nothing compared to Elves, but whatever. There was DARKNESS in the forests
Audience: Maybe cause it was night?
Galadriel: Shut up. There were rumors of a shadow in the east, FEARS NO ONE COULD NAME!! And the Ring was satisfied and abandoned Gollum
Ring: *bouncing off rock* Owwww hard *bounce* rock *smash* OH MY BEAUTIFUL SHINY FACE!!
Bilbo: Oooh look, shiny!
Ring: I fail at life
Gollum: AAAAAAAH THE PRECIOUSSSS IS GONEEEEE
Galadriel: HOORAY FOR THE LITTLE HAIRY PEOPLE!
The Shire, 60 years later
Frodo: *is reading a book under a tree*
Gandalf: *is singing*
Frodo: OMG! *runs to meet him* YOU ARE SO LATE! I BAKED YOU COOKIES AND NOW THEY'RE COLD!
Gandalf: I COME AND GO WHEN I WANT!
Frodo: *leaps into his arms* It's SO awesome to see you again! Tell me EVERYTHING that's happened in the world!
Gandalf: They hardly know of Hobbits
Frodo: Thanks, man
Gandalf: But it's Bilbo's birthday soon! This party is supposed to be EPIC
Frodo: HE'S CAUSED SO MUCH CHAOS! Half of the Shire is invited!
Gandalf: Hmmm
Frodo: WELL IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT WE BAGGINSES ARE HATED!
Gandalf: Oh come on..I only got him out of the door!
Frodo: You disturbed the peace
Children: OMG FIREWORKS PLEASE WE'RE PYRO HOBBIT CHILDREN!
Gandalf: Hmmmm
Children: HEY!
Gandalf: *sets off butterfly fireworks*
Frodo: I'm SO glad you're back *jumps off wagon and waves goodbye*
Gandalf: *Is smoking. Again*
Reunion
Gandalf: *drives up to Bilbo's house*
Sign on Bilbo's gate: I HATE YOU. GO AWAY
Gandalf: *knocks on his door*
Bilbo: NO I DON'T WANNA BE CONVERTED TO MORMONISM!
Gandalf: Now that's not how you greet an old friend is it?
Bilbo: *opens door* Gan..dalf?
Gandalf: ...you don't look 111 years old
Bilbo: But I have FOOD! Lots and LOTS of it. Or perhaps some tea? OR maybe some wine from 1296!
Gandalf: Ew!
Biblo: *starts doing stuff in the kitchen* I was EXPECTING you last week you know
Gandalf: *looks at maps in the other room*
Bilbo: I can make you eggs too!
Gandalf: No, just tea
Bilbo: *with a mouthful of food* Well I'm gonna stuff my face!
Woman: *knocks on the door* OPEN THE DOOR THIS INSANT!
Bilbo: AHHHHH GET ME AWAY FROM HEREEEEE!! I WANNA GO TO THE MOUNTAINS AND FINISH MY BOOK
Gandalf: So you are gonna go through with your plan then. Frodo suspects, you know
Bilbo: Well I feel old!
Gandalf: ..I wonder why
Party!
Gandalf and Bilbo: *are smoking*
Bilbo: This is the best weed eva, yo
Gandalf: *blows a smoke ship*
Bilbo: Duuuuuude
Later at the party..
Fireworks: *explode*
Pyro Hobbit children: YAAAAAY
Sam: *stares at Rosie*
Frodo: Oh come on, ask her to dance!
Sam: NEED..MORE..ALCOHOL
Frodo: OH NO YOU DON'T *pushes him to Rosie*
Sam: *makes unintelligable noises*
Bilbo: *is telling a story to Hobbit children* THE TROLLS WANTED TO SQUASH US AND EAT US!
Hobbit child: *faints*
Bilbo: But then the sun came up and turned them into stone
Pippin: Let's cause trouble!
Merry: Yeah!
Pippin: *looks in Gandalf's wagon for the perfect firework and finds a big red one*
Merry: OHHH YEAAAH
Pippin: *lights it INSIDE A TENT* ...now what?
Merry: We wait for it to explode in our faces?
Pippin: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH *firework explodes*
Firework: *becomes a dragon and swoops low over the crowd*
Frodo: OMG BILBO THERE'S A DRAGON
Bilbo: Pssssh there haven't been any for a thousand years!
Firework: *explodes in a massive amount of spectacularness*
Pyro Hobbit children: *droooooool*
Pippin: LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!
Gandalf: *grabs one of Merry and Pippin's ears* I KNEW IT
Merry in Pippin: *have to wash dishes*
People: *are carrying a huge cake*
People in crowd: SPEEEEECH BILBO SPEEEEEECH!
Bilbo: But I hate public speaking!
People: SPEEEEEECH
Bilbo: I THOUGHT I WOULD BE DONE WITH THIS IN SCHOOL! I HATE YOU ALL! *dissapears*
Cake: *catches on fire*
Crowd: OH NOES!
Bilbo: *inside his house now* OH MY SHINY RING I LOVE YOU!
Ring: Ooo rawr
Gandalf: And I bet you think that was SO clever?
Bilbo: ..how did you get here before me?
Gandalf: YOU USED A MAGIC RING
Bilbo: I'm leaving this place..Frodo can have all my posessions
Gandalf: The Ring too?
Bilbo: Yes that too..it's on the mantelpiece
Ring: HEY!
Bilbo: No..it's still in my pocket. I DON'T WANNA PART WITH IT
Gandalf: Is it really that hard?
Bilbo: MY PRECIOUSSSSSS!
Gandalf: ...I think you've had that long enough
Bilbo: I BET WHEN I LEAVE YOU'LL TAKE IT FOR YOURSELF!!
Gandalf: RAAAAAAAH!
Biblo: *whimpers*
Gandalf: I'm trying to help you! Can't you trust me as you once did?
Bilbo: OKAY I'll give it to Frodo *drops the Ring very slowly and dramatically*
Ring: OW! OH WE ARE SO THROUGH
Bilbo: Bye Gandalf!
Not safe..
Gandalf: *puts his hand over the Ring*
Ring: DON'T TOUCH ME
Gandalf: *sees the Eye of Sauron and goes to brood by the fire. While smoking*
Frodo: *comes in and sees the Ring* Oooh shiny
The Ring: *purrs at him*
Frodo: Aw Bilbo left!
Gandalf: He's left you everything! HIDE THE RING
Frodo: But..where are you going?
Gandalf: Somewhere
Frodo: ...
Gandalf: *rides to Minas Tirith*
Gollum (from Barad-Dur): BAGGINS STOLE THE PRECIOUS!
The Nine Ringwraiths: *are released*
Galdalf: *reads documents from Isildur*
Isildur: I AM THE KING OF GONDOR AND I HAVE A SHINY RING MUAHTREHJBHG!! Though the writing on the band faded and only fire can show it. I somehow know this. Yes
A Ringwraith: *comes to the Shire*
Guy chopping wood: I THOUGHT THE GOTHIC LOOK WENT OUT OF STYLE!
Ringwraith: TELL ME WHERE BAGGINS IS OR I'LL SNIFF YOU TO DEATH!
Guy: Uh yeah that way. If you don't mind I'll hide now
Frodo: *comes home after drinking with Sam*
House: *is empty, dark, and scary*
Frodo: Why does my house suddenly look like this?
Hand: *grabs Frodo's shoulder*
Frodo: AAAAAAAH I DON'T WANNA DIE!
Gandalf: YOU WILL IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP! IS THE RING SAFE??
Frodo: So safe I'll get it and show it to you!
Gandalf: *throws it in the fireplace*
Frodo: Have you lost your mind??
Gandalf: *takes it out with tongs* Hold out your hand. It's not hot
Frodo: You threw it in the FIRE. How could it not be H--
Gandalf: *drops the Ring in his hand*
Frodo: AAAAHhh...it's not hot. How did you even KNOW it would do that?
Gandalf: Can you see anything? Writing?
Frodo: Mmmm no
Gandalf: *closes his eyes in relief*
Frodo: Oh wait! There's some form of Elvish on here which I somehow know
Writing: I HATE ELVES! WHY AM I WRITING THIS IN ELVISH? Danger: This Ring will cause the death of thousands. Keep out of reach of small children
Gandalf: It was made in MORRRRDORRR by Sauron but Isildur stole it from him. It was in Bilbo's keeping for sixty years but now EEEVIL is stirring..the Ring has heard Sauron's angushed pleas to be with the Ring again
Frodo: ...but Sauron was destroyed!
Ring: Stupid Hobbit
Gandalf: Noooo his life force is bound to the Ring! ALL THIS THOUGHT HIS BENT ON GETTING IT BACK! That could be why his eye is so red
Frodo: *grabs the Ring* WE'LL HIDE IT!
Gandalf: ..except Gollum told everyone where it is
Watchman guy: *sees the Ringwraiths* Ohhh not the Goths again!
Ringwraith: *cuts off his head*
Frodo: AHHHH YOU TAKE THE RING!
Ring: NOOOOOO DON'T YOU DARE!
Gandalf: But it hates me!
Frodo: I'M GIVING IT TO YOU!
Gandalf: I CANNOT TAKE IT! I'd want to use the Ring out of goodness but it would make me evil too
Frodo: THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??
*cut to Frodo packing*
Gandalf: Go to the village of Bree and I will meet you at the Inn of the Prancing Pony
Frodo: And I have any idea where this place is..?
Gandalf: I must see my mentor. He will DEFINITELY know what to do. Also, stay off the road
Noise outside the window: OW!
Gandalf: *pulls up Sam and slams him on the table*
Sam: Trimming bushes is fun!
Gandalf: WHAT DID YOU HEAR?!
Sam: Something about the end of the world. AHHH I DON'T WANNA DIE!
The journey begins
Gandalf: So I'm gonna leave you all alone and unprotected in these woods. Never put on the Ring or Sauron's servants will know where you are. Have fun! *rides off*
Frodo and Sam: *walk through fields*
Sam: *stops suddenly*
Frodo: Um Sam? You don't need to be a scarecrow, there's one right behind you
Sam: If I take ONE MORE STEP I'll be farther from home than I've ever been!
Gandalf and Saruman
Gandalf: *rides to Isengard*
Saruman: MY OLD FRIEND!
Gandalf: *tells Saruman of the Ring*
Saruman: *gasp*
Gandalf: And all this time it was in the Shire!
Saruman: Have you been smoking too much weed?
Gandalf: WE NEED TO COUNTER SAURON!
Inside the Tower of Isengard
Saruman: Sauron has regained A LOT of strength for an eye. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth and flesh
Gandalf: Ewwww
Saruman: HE'S GATHERING AN ARMY THAT'LL SOON BE ABLE TO ASSAULT MIDDLE-EARTH!
Gandalf: How do you KNOW all this?
Saruman: *shows him his Palantir*
Gandalf: OMG SOMEONE COULD BE WATCHING US!
Saruman: The nine Ringwraiths have left Minas Morgul and will KILL the one who carries the Ring!
Gandalf: *tries to escape but Saruman closes all the doors*
Saruman: JOIN WITH SAURON AND I
Gandalf: NEVAH
*a wizard fight ensues and Gandalf ends up at the top of the tower*
More Hobbits
Sam: AHHHHH I LOST FRODO!
Frodo: ...I'm right here
Sam: I PROMISED GANDALF I'D NEVER LOSE YOU!
Merry and Pippin: *run into them*
Sam: HEY! You've been into Farmer Maggot's crop again!
Merry: Run!!
Pippin: He shouldn't be THAT upset! We only stole 65478 vegitables!
Hobbits: *fall off a cliff*
Farmer Maggot: HA HA
Pippin: OMG MUSHROOMS
Frodo: Uh guys? The path just grew bigger..?
Merry: So?
Frodo: HIDE!
*sniff sniff*
Hobbits: *hide under a tree*
Ringwrath: *comes and sniffs*
Merry: WTH?
Bugs: *come out of the tree*
Merry: Big..spider..on..m..*faints*
Ring: FRODO PUT ME ON PUT ME ON!!!
Sam: Frodo? Are you ok? *throws mushrooms to distract the Ringwrath*
Ringwraith: SCREEEEE
To Bree
It's night..
Merry: Um Frodo? Can you explain to me why we're running so far and why these things are after us?
Frodo: Sam and I must get to Bree
Merry: And I know how to get there! TO BUCKLEBURY FERRY!
Ringwraith: SCREEEEE!
Sam, Merry, Pippin: *make it to the ferry*
Frodo: *is running in slo-mo*
Ringraith: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Sam: COME ON ALREADY!
Ferry: *has started floating away from the dock*
Frodo: *makes the best, biggest jump in Hobbit history*
Ringwraith: HEY!
Happenings in Bree
Frodo: *knocks on the gate to Bree*
Gatekeeper: *opens peeking window thing* What do YOU want?
Frodo: WE WOULD LIKE TO GET OUT OF THE RAIN AND GO TO THE PRANCING PONY IF YOU DON'T MIND!
Gatekeeper: *opens gate* FOUR Hobbits? I'll let you in even though there's talk of strange people!
At the Prancing Pony..
Frodo: Um Mr. Tall Guy?
Bartender: FOUR Hobbits! We actually have Hobbit-sized rooms avaliable! Your name is?
Frodo: Mr...Underhill. Can you tell Gandalf we've arrived?
Bartender: *thinks* OH Gandalf! I haven't seen him in six months
Frodo: OMG WE'RE GONNA DIE
Drinking at a table..
Frodo: WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE OMG
Pippin: LOOK A PINT! Hangover time here I come!
Merry: I'M GONNA GET ONE TOO!
Sam: That guy in the corner has been staring at you since we arrived
Frodo: EW
Bartender: That's Strider! He likes to wander in the wild and write emo poetry
Ring: HEY FRODO PUT ME ON!
Frodo: Ughhhffmhf
Pippin: Baggins?
Frodo: Huh what?
Pippin: FRODO BAGGINS IS RIGHT THERE!
Frodo: NOOOO *trips and falls, losing his hold on the ring but it falls on his finger anyway*
Ringraiths: FINALLY!
Sauron's eye: I SEEEE YOOOOU
Frodo: OMG GET ME OUT OF HERE *takes ring off*
Strider: *hauls him up to his room*
Frodo: Scary..man..
Strider: I CAN PROTECT YOU!
Sam: *opens door forcefully* RAAAAAH I'LL KILL YOU BEFORE YOU TOUCH FRODO!!
Strider: I already touched him. Besides, I can protect you from the Ringwraiths
Into the wild
Ringwraiths: *ride into Bree*
Gatekeeper: *gets squished*
Ringwraiths: *go into the room where they think the Hobbits are*
Strider: *is watching*
Hobbits: *are sleeping*
Ringwraiths: *stab the beds*
Sam: AHHHH!
Ringwraiths: *realize they've been tricked* SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Frodo: Who are they and why do they scream so girly?
Strider: Idiot men who were given rings of power. They aren't alive or dead AND THEY WILL NEVER STOP HUNTING YOU!
Frodo: Thanks, man
Next day..they have left Bree
Frodo: Where are we going where are we going WHERE ARE WE GOING?!
Strider: The place of "shut up or I'll give you to Sauron myself"
Merry: Are you sure he's Gandalf's friend?
Sam: Where are you taking us WHERE ARE--
Strider: TO RIVENDELL YOU IDIOT! You can be distracted by Elrond's eyebrows instead of bothering me!
Sam: YAY!
Eh?
Strider: *sees the Hobbits have stopped* ..what are you doing?
Pippin: We're having breakfast!
Strider: ..but you already had it
Pippin: Not second breakfast!
Strider: ...
*girly voice* Ooooh, Saruman!
Saruman: *is using nicely manicured fingernails to summon Sauron over the Palantir*
Sauron: You GOT YOUR NAILS DONE?? Why did I hire you again? Ugh, just build me an army already
Orc: What does the eye command?
Saruman: CUT DOWN EVERY TREE WITHIN A ONE MILE RADIUS!
Orcs: *cut down trees*
Gandalf: *awakens from the top of the tower*
Orc: Saruman Saruman the trees' roots are strong OMG WHAT DO WE DO?!
Saruman: DON'T TRY TO RIP THEM FROM THEIR ROOTS THEN!
Ringwraiths vs Strider
Strider: The watchtower of Amon Sul! We'll rest here tonight
All four Hobbits: *collapse*
Strider: *gives them swords*
Frodo: And we have any idea how to use these..?
Strider: Whatever. I'm gonna go brood or something
Frodo: *falls alseep, and awakens to find..*
Other three: *have made a fire and are cooking*
Frodo: OMG IDIOTS! *puts the fire out with his foot*
Pippin: HEY! Now there's ash on my food!
Ringwraiths: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
All four: *go to the center of the ruin and wait for the Ringwraiths*
Ringwraiths: *appear out of the dark*
Sam: DIE! ..wait..er GO AWAY!
Ringwraith: *pushes him aside*
Merry and Pippin: WE'LL PROTECT YOU FRODO!
Ringwraith: *pushes them aside*
Frodo: *drops sword, falls down, and takes out the Ring*
Ring: HEY RINGWRAITHS OVER HERE!
Witch King: OMG SWEET SWEET LOVE
Frodo: *puts on the Ring and sees the Ringwraiths' true forms*
Witch King: GIVE. ME. THE. RING
Frodo: NEVAH
Witch King: *stabs him*
Strider: RAAAAAAAAAH! *attacks the Ringwraiths*
Frodo: *takes the Ring off* HE STABBED ME!
Strider: *drives all the Ringwraiths away*
Pippin: Duuuuude
Strider: He needs Elvish medicine!
Sam: But we're too far from Rivendell!
Mothness
Isengard: *is barren*
Holes: *are very deep*
Orcs: *are making weapons and making creatures out of mud*
Gandalf: *YAWN* This is so--OMG A MOTH!
Moth: *lands in his hand*
Gandalf: SEND FOR AN EAGLE!
Say WHAT?
Strider and co: *stop at the place Bilbo was talking about where the trolls were turned to stone*
Frodo: UHUHHHHGFYFJH
Pippin: AHHH IS HE GONNA DIE??
Strider: He'll soon become a Ringwraith! Do you know what Athelas is?
Sam: Can I smoke it?
Strider: *rolls eyes* Does KINGSFOIL help you any?
Sam: That's a WEED. You know how HARD it is to get it out of your garden? You--
Strider: SHUT UP AND FIND SOME SO WE CAN HELP FRODO
Strider: *finds some*
Girl with a sword: Oh how sweet, gathering flowers for me while the others are gonna become Ringwraith stew?
Strider: *gives her a quirky smile*
Chase
Shiny elf girl: *rides up to Frodo* I AM ARWEN AND I'M SPEAKING TO YOU IN ELVISH EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! COME BACK TO THE LIIIIIGHT..SHIIINY
Frodo: Uyuftde
Arwen: WE MUST GET HIM TO MY FATHER!
Strider: (In Elvish) Then can you look after the Hobbits while I go?
Arwen: NUH UH MISTER! I'm going!
Strider: But it's dangerous!
Arwen: (In English) Then I'll show those Ringwraiths what I can do! ONWARD HORSIE!
Ringwraiths: *chase her*
Ringwraith #4: *tries to touch Frodo*
Arwen: FASTER HORSIE!
Branch: *cuts Arwen's cheek*
Arwen: *crosses the river*
Ringwraiths: WATER OH NOES!
Ringwraith #2: GIVE US THE SHORT GUY! I'LL GIVE YOU A COOKIE!
Arwen: Then come over here!
Ringwraiths: *start to cross the river*
Arwen: *speaks to the river in Elvish*
Wave of horses: *take out the Ringwraiths and their horses*
Ringwraith #7: I TOLD YOU WATER WAS DANGEROUS!
Frodo: UHHHHHHHHHHHHUGG
Arwen: NOOOOO PLEASE LIVE! POWER OF THE SHINYNESS SAVE HIM!
World: *goes white*
Elrond: *appears and speaks to Frodo in Elvish*
Rivendell - Home of Elrond's Eyebrows
Frodo: Ahgghhh where am I?
Gandalf: The House of Elrond's Eyebrows!
Color: *comes back to normal*
Frodo: OMG GANDALF. OMG I'M IN A REAL BED
Gandalf: You got here just in time or you would have been unable to heal!
Frodo: Why didn't you meat us in Bree?
Gandalf: Err..
Flashback
Saruman: *tosses Gandalf around with this staff and hangs him by his feet from the side of the tower* I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND! AND I DON'T TAKE "BEST FRIENDS" LIGHTLY! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? *throws him to the other side* EMBRACE THE POWER OF THE RING AND ALLY WITH SAURON OR BE DESTROYED!
Gandalf: Right. I'm leaving now *jumps off the tower*
Saruman: HEY! KILLING YOU WAS MY J--
Gandalf: *lands on an eagle bird thing and flies away*
Saruman: DARN YOOOOU!
Rivendell
Frodo: Uhhh Gandalf?
Gandalf: Uh what? Have I been smoking too much again?
Sam: OMG FRODO YOU'RE AWAKE!
Gandalf: He's hardly left your side! And thanks to Elrond you're beginning to heal!
Elrond: Welcome!
Frodo: *stares at his eyebrows*
Happenings in Rivendell
Frodo: *gets reunited with Merry, Pippin, and Bilbo*
Bilbo: I'M OLD!
Frodo: But you wrote a great book!
Sam: *is packing*
Frodo: Hey! I thought you wanted to see the Elves!
Sam: BUT THEY HAVE DISTRACTING EYEBROWS!
Gandalf and Elrond: *watch Frodo and Sam*
Elrond: He's certainly a strong little Hobbit
Gandalf: And how about we don't ask any more of him before he passes out from stress?
Elrond: The ENEMY is MOVING. His EYE is FIXED on RIVENDELL
Sauron's eye: MUST...KEEP...STARING...OMG A NAKED ELF!
Elrond: AND Saruman has betrayed us. WHY ARE OUR ALLIES BECOMING BAD?!
Gandalf: He's breeding mud creatures!
Elrond: We can't stand against Mordor AND Isengard! The Ring must not stay here!
Boromir: *arrives*
Legolas: *arrives* OMG I used THREE bottles of my finest shampoo on this journey! UGH THE WORLD IS SO DIRTY! This had better be good
Gimli: *arrives*
Elrond: The Elves are leaving and dwarves are greedy. Who will you turn to now?
Gandalf: Men!
Elrond: I HATE MEN! THEY'RE STUPID! AND THEY SMELL BAD! And Isildur didn't throw the Ring into the fire..WE WERE RIGHT THERE DANGIT!
Gandalf: Why didn't you just push him into the fire?
Elrond: ...
Boromir and romaaaance
Boromir: *picks up part of Narsil and cuts his finger trying to see how sharp it is* STILL SHARPE STILL SHARPE WHOOOOO
Strider: ...
Boromir: STOP STARING AT ME! *drops sword and runs away*
Strider: *puts sword back reverently*
Arwen: STOP FEARING YOUR PAST!
Strider: BUT I HAVE WEAKNESS TOO!
Arwen: YOU WILL DEFEAT THE EVIL! Do you remember the first time we met?
Strider: Uh
Arwen: *taps foot*
Strider: OH! YEAH! THAT! You were very shiny
Arwen: NOW I'M GONNA CHOOSE A MORTAL LIFE CAUSE I DON'T WANNA LIVE FOREVER AND NOT BE WITH YOU! *gives him her Evenstar necklace*
Strider: *gasp*
Arwen and Strider: *kiss each other*
Council
Elrond: We different peoples have come here to help Middle-earth AND YOU'LL UNITE OR FAIL! Bring the ring to this pedistal, Frodo
Frodo: *does so*
Boromir: IT IS A GIFT TO THE FOES IN MORDOR! We should use the Ring to impress my father AND GONDOR IS AWESOME SO THERE!
Strider: The Ring only answers to Sauron
Boromir: And you're a wandering ranger. What makes YOU know so much?
Legolas: HEY! THIS IS ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN!
Aragorn: *facepalms*
Boromir: You are Isildur's heir??
Legolas: Heir to the throne of Gondor!
Aragorn: (In Elvish) Shut up and sit down
Boromir: Gondor needs NO king, thankyouverymuch
Elrond: The Ring must be destroyed
Aragorn: DUH
Gimli: Why are we waiting? Smashing things is fun! *tries to destroy it but gets thrown backwards instead*
Ring: HA HA
Elrond: The only way it can be destroyed is to throw it into the fires of Mount Doom! And one of you must do it!
Silence: *is awkward*
Boromir: You don't just walk into Mordor! It's evil and Sauron's eye is always watching. WHY did we have to build Gondor next to it?
Legolas: THE RING STILL HAS TO BE DESTROYED!
Gimli: STUPID ELF! WE DWARVES COULD DO IT BETTER THAN YOU
Boromir: OMG WE'RE GONNA FAIL
Everyone except Frodo: *argues*
Frodo: I'M GONNA TAKE THE RING TO MORDOR! You people make me sick
Gandalf: I'll come too!
Aragorn: I'll protect you with my sword!
Legolas: And my bow! BUT DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR
Gimli: And my AXE!
Boromir: And I'll come too with all the love of Gondor!
Sam: OMG DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME!
Elrond: I thought this meeting was a secret..?
Merry and Pippin: WE'RE COMING TOO!
Elrond: Nine of you. YOU SHALL BE THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING! Now get out of here before my eyebrows melt off my face
Pippin: Ooooh! Where are we going?
Elrond: *facepalms*
Scary Bilbo
Bilbo: Here, have my sword! It's shiny and glows blue when Orcs are near! Oh and have my mithril vest too! It's as hard as dragon scales! Put it on so I can see how epic you look!
Frodo: *starts unbuttoning his shirt*
Bilbo: *sees the Ring hanging around his neck* RAAAAA IT'S MY RINGGGGGG!!! I WANT I WANT!...oh darn! I was so far in therapy too!
Over the hills and far away..
Fellowship: *sets out on their quest*
Galndalf narrating: OMG LOOK MOUNTAINS! WE'LL BE SEEING THEM FOR FORTY DAYS! YEAH! AND THEN WE'LL SEE THE GAP OF ROHAN! AND THEN MORDOR!
Fellowship: *has stopped to rest or something*
Merry and Pippin: *practice swordfighting with Boromir*
Boromir: EN GARDE! SIXTE! QUARTE!
Merry and Pippin: ...
Gimli: Why haven't you asked MY opinion yet? Why do we HAVE to go this way? It's longer and I wanna see my cousin Balin in the Mines of Moria!
Gandalf: NO WAY WE ARE GOING THERE
Gimli: I HATE YOU
Boromir: *accidentally nicks Pippin*
Pippin: HEY! *kicks him and he and Merry wrestle him to the ground*
Legolas: *notices something in the distance*
Gimli: Oh come on, it's clouds or something!
Legolas: OMG EVIL BIRDS!
Everyone: *hides*
Birds: *notice them anyway*
Gandalf: Looks like we won't be going south
Gimli: *chanting* MORIA! MORIA!
Gandalf: WE MUST GO OVER CARADHRAS!
Caradhras: *is a mountain covered with snow*
Caradhras..the big white snowy mountain of almost death
Fellowship: *are walking in the snow on Caradhras*
Frodo: *randomly falls down*
Ring: *comes off his neck*
Ring: (to snow) Hey baby
Boromir: *picks up the chain the Ring is on*
Aragorn: Uh Boromir?
Boromir: Shiiiiiiny..
Aragorn: *taps foot* Boromiiiiir..
Boromir: It's so small and cute *tries to touch it*
Ring: Oh baby, this is one of the best days ever
Aragorn: BOROMIR!!!
Boromir: WHAT?! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY HERE!
Aragorn: GIVE THE RING BACK TO FRODO YOU IDIOT!
Boromir and the Ring: *sighs*
Boromir: Oh very well *gives the Ring back to Frodo*
Frodo: *grabs it*
The evil birds: *report to Saruman*
Saruman: HA HA YOU HAVE TO GO OVER CARADHRAS! I bet the mountain will defeat you! YOU SHOULD HAVE JOINED ME GANDALF!
Wind on the mountain: *blows*
Legolas: *walks atop the snow*
Everyone else: *has to walk half deep in it with Aragorn and Boromir carrying the Hobbits*
Boromir: I hate Elves, I hate Elves OMG I'M GONNA KILL HIM AFTER THIS
Merry: OH DEAR SWEET FOOD OF HOBBITON REMIND ME NEVER TO GO ON A MOUNTAIN AGAIN
Legolas: *hears Saruman's voice* I hear a voice!
Snow: *falls from the mountain*
Gandalf: Saruman!
Boromir: CAN WE TURN BACK NOW SO WE DON'T FREEZE TO DEATH??
Gandalf: NOT IF I UTTER CHOICE WORDS TO SARUMAN!
Saruman: *strikes part of the mountain with lightning*
Snow: *buries them all*
Legolas' head: *emerges first* YOU MESSED UP MY HAIR!
Boromir: Now can we get off the mountain? How about Gondor?
Gimli: I still say we go to the Mines of Moria
Gandalf: Let Frodo decide
Frodo: I'm gonna choose NOT FREEZING TO DEATH
The entrance of Moria
Gimli: OMG MORIA *kisses the walls*
Gandalf: Look! The door to Moria! It says speak friend and enter! Friend!
Door: *does nothing*
Gandalf: Frodo! Legolas! Some other wizard dudes!
Door: ...
Gandalf: *says friend in Dwarvish*
Door: ...
2 hours later
Gandalf: NATURE! NATURE IS MY FRIEND! THE TREES TALK TO ME ALL THE TIME!
Pippin: *throws rocks in the water*
Aragorn: STOP THAT YOU STUPID HOBBIT
Frodo: Hey..what's the Elvish world for friend?
Gandalf: Mellon!
Doors: *open*
Gandalf: And the Dwarves knew Elvish how?
Fellowship: *goes in*
Gimli: NOW YOU WILL SEE THE HOSPITALITY OF THE DWARVES! Campfires, beer, meat..oh yeah!
Bormir: Uh Gimli..the Dwaves are dead
Skeletons: *are scattered*
Legolas! They were shot! By arrows!
Aragorn: *facepalms*
Boromir: NOW we are going to the Gap of Rohan!
Tentacle: *grabs Frodo*
Sam: HEY!! DON'T YOU DARE! *cuts off tentacle*
15 other tentacles: *appear*
Boromir and Aragorn: *cut off other tentacles*
Legolas: *shoots it*
Aragorn: *cuts off tentacle Frodo is on*
Boromir: *catches him*
Everyone: *goes back into the mines*
Creature: I HATE YOU *destroys the doors*
Gandalf: Great *turns on light in his staff* Now we HAVE to go through the mines
The mines
Fellowship: *is climbing a staircase too big for the Hobbits*
Gandalf: *comes to a intersection* Uhhhh..where am I?
Later
Pippin: I'M HUNGRY
Frodo: *sees something* OMG GANDALF THERE'S SOMETHING OUT THERE
Gandalf: Ah it's just Gollum. Of course he still wants the Ring
Frodo: I just love that everything's after me. BILBO SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM DANGIT!
Gandalf: He may be a major plot point!
Frodo: WAAAAAAAH I WISH NONE OF THIS RING STUFF EVER HAPPENED
Gandalf: Cheer up emo Hobbit! Everything happens for a reason..so just go along with life! Also, we're supposed to go this way. It smells better
Battle
Gandalf: More light! Behold! The epic city of Dwarrowdelf!
Sam: *drools*
Gimli: *sees a room* But...!
Room: *has a tomb with a shaft of light on it*
Gandalf: *reading runes on the tomb* Balin is DEAD. Note to anyone else down here: GET OUT
Gimli: *sobs*
Gandalf: *finds a book that a skeleton is holding*
Legolas: Can we go now? It's dirty and I need a bath
Gandalf: *reading* OMG THEY TOOK THE BRIDGE..AND THE SECOND HALL...AHHHH THE DRUMS NOOOOOO. The ground..IS SHAKING. WE'RE DOOMED
Pippin: *messes with a skeleton and it falls into a well*
Skeleton with bucket, etc: *makes a lot of noise*
Gandalf: YOU STUPID HOBBIT
Drums: *can be heard*
Frodo's sword: *glows blue*
Legolas: ORCS!
Aragorn: Wow, what a keen assesment!
Boromir: *goes to the doors and almost gets hit by two arrows in the process* Ahh they have a cave troll!
Aragorn and Boromir: *bar the doors*
Gimli: C'MON YOU BEASTS! THERE'S STILL A DWARF DOWN HERE THAT LIVES! COME ON AND TRY ME!
Aragorn and Legolas: *shoot Orcs that are trying to break open the doors*
Orcs: *break open the doors*
Fighting: *ensues*
Cave troll: *comes in the room and smashes stuff*
Gimli: RAAAAAH HEY YOU!
Cave troll: *smashes Balin's tomb*
Gimli: HEY!! Oh now you've just made a Dwarf very angry
Cave troll: *tries to kill Legolas instead with his chain*
Chain: *gets caught around a pillar*
Legolas: Hey nice! *prances down the chain and shoots his head*
Sam: *hits the Orcs with his frying pan* See! I don't even need a sword!
Cave troll: *now tries to smash Merry, Pippin, and Frodo*
Frodo *tries to evade the cave troll by moving around a pillar*
Cave troll: *grabs his foot*
Frodo: WHY ARE THESE THINGS ALWAYS AFTER ME??? *cuts it with his sword*
Aragorn: RAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Cave troll: *smashes him into a wall*
Frodo: Greaaaaaat *gets stabbed by the spear the cave troll is holding*
Everyone: *gasp*
Frodo: *takes 2 minutes before falling down*
Legolas: *kills the cave troll with a well placed arrow*
Aragorn: OMG Frodo nooooo
Frodo: Owwwww
Sam: OMG HE LIVES
Frodo: *shows them his mithril shirt* So either way we went was bad for me?
Gandalf: No time to reflect! More Orcs are coming! TO THE BRIDGE OF THINNESS!
The Bridge of Thinness and crumbling stairs
Shaft of light on Balin's now destroyed tomb: *was placed SO well even after originating from high above*
Fellowship: *runs but gets surrounded by Orcs*
Gimli: COME AND GET ME!!
In the distance: *is a roar*
Orcs: RUN AWAY!
Boromir: What NOW?
Gandalf: A Balrog so run if you don't wanna die!
Fellowship: *comes to a smallish gap in the stairs*
Legolas: *jumps across first* Wheee!
Gandalf: *jumps across next*
Boromir: *picks up Merry and Pippin and jumps across*
More of the stairs: *crumbles into the abyss*
Aragorn: *throws Sam across*
Gimli: NO ONE MAY DARE TOSS ME! I'M A MIGHTY DWARF! *leaps to the other side and almost falls*
Legolas: *catches him by his beard*
Gimli: OWWWWWWWWW STUPID ELF!
More of the stairs: *break off*
Part of the roof: *breaks off and falls onto the stairs, leaving Frodo and Aragorn trapped*
Frodo: I am having SUCH A BAD DAY!!!
Stairs: *wobble*
Aragorn: We'll RIDE the stairs! LEAN FORWARD! WHOOO STAIR SURFING!
Aragorn and Frodo: *reach the other side*
Balrog: *emerges*
The Bridge of Khazad-dum: *appears*
Sam: *gulps*
Merry: Think of anything besides the high bridge of thinness with a huge abyss, think of anything..
Everyone but Gandalf: *crosses the bridge*
Gandalf: *stands in the middle of the bridge* Fire dude! Go away!
Balrog: *has a firey sword*
Gandalf: OH YEAH??? WELL I HAVE SECRET FIRE! ARISE MAGIC SHIELD OF SHINY LIGHT! *blocks the balrog's sword*
Balrog: OHHHH YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?
Gandalf: GO INTO THE ABYSS! *slams his staff on the bridge*
Balrog: *has a firey whip..tries to step forward but the bridge breaks*
Gandalf: AND STAY THERE!
Balrog: *flicks his whip and trips Gandalf*
Gandalf: *tries to pull himself up but can't* Uh guys..STOP STANDING THERE AND GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU DIE! *lets go*
Frodo: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDAAAAAAAAAAAAAALFFFFFFF!!
Fellowship: *finally emerges from the Mines*
Most everyone: *cries*
Aragorn: Legolas! Help get them up, we must leave
Pippin: Can't we just cry into the snow instead?
Aragorn: We must get to Lothorien!
Lothlorien
Fellowship of 8: *enters Lothlorien*
Gimili: An EVIL elf sorceress lives here. She poisons people's minds!
Elf sorceress: Frooooodoooo....
Frodo: OMG
Elf sorceress: Yooooou briiiiing eeeeeeeviiiil footsteps here...NOW WE HAVE TO SWEEP THEM DANGIT!
Frodo: Um..guys? I think I'm becoming schizophrenic..?
Gimli: Ha! She'll never ensare me! I HAVE GREAT HEARING AND SEEING SKILLS
Arrows: *point at him*
Haldir: And you breathe too loud!
Aragorn (in Elvish): Please help us..we've had a really bad day
Haldir: Come and meet..THE LADY OF THE WOOD!
Meeting
Celeborn: Um...where's Gandalf?
Galadriel: *reads Aragorn's mind* He has fallen! *goes and reads everyone else's minds* Well..if you make ONE LIIIIITTTLE mistake the world is doomed. But tonight you'll sleep in peace!
Ahhh the White City
Elves: *are singing*
Merry: What are they saying?
Legolas: Sorry, I'm too grieved to tell you
Aragorn: You should get some sleep, Boromir!
Boromir: SHE WAS INSIDE MY HEAD! She said there's hope for Gondor. My father is a way noble man! Yes! I WANNA SEE THE GLORY OF GONDOR RESTORED! The White Tower is epic and has pretty, pretty banners flowing in the wind. It's SO epic to see this and hear trumpets welcoming you home *sighs*
Aragorn: I saw it..long ago
Boromir: ONE DAY WE'LL RETURN IN GLORY TOGETHER! IT'LL BE EPIC!
The mirror of scaryness
Galdariel: *walks down to the mirror*
Frodo: *follows*
Galadriel: *fills a pitcher up with water* Will you look into thebasin filled with water mirror?
Frodo: Why? What will I see? I've already had a bad day, thanks
Galadriel: *pours the water into the mirror* Things that ARE, things that WERE, things that haven't happened yet
Frodo: ...
Galadriel: LOOK ALREADY
Frodo: Ok already! *looks and sees some of the fellowship, the Shire ravaged...and Sauron's eye*
Sauron's eye: COME TO ME COME TO ME!!
Ring: DADDY!
Frodo: AAAAAH I HATE YOU!
Galadriel: *to Frodo telepathically* THAT'LL HAPPEN IF YOU FAIL. The Ring will destroy the fellowship
Frodo (telepathically): Then YOU take it. You're creepy enough to destroy it
Galadriel (not telepathically): *gasp* Really? Oooohh *rubs hands together evily* WAAAAAAAAHAHAAAAAAAAAA INSTEAD OF SAURON RULING I SHALL RULE! QUEEN OF THE DARKNESSSSSS. EXCEPT I'LL BE BEAUTIFUL! EVEN THE DAWN WILL THINK I'M TERRIBLE! YAY FOR BEING TERRIBLE! I WILL RAGE LIKE THE SEA AND EVEN BE STRONGER THAN THE EARTH!! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAaaa...no
Frodo: WTH?
Galadriel: Man! Now I'll have to diminish to the west
Frodo: But I can't do this alone! I'M AFRAID, MAN!
Galadriel: YOU'RE FURRY AND CUTE AND CAN CHANGE THE WORLD!
Saruman and the Uruk-Hai
Lurtz: *is a beautiful Uruk dripping with..we don't wanna know. But he has just gorgeous green eyes!*
Saruman: Do you know how the orcs first came into being?
Lurtz: N--
Saruman: THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION! *ahem* They used to be Elves...BUT THEY WERE TAKEN BY EEEEEVIL AND TORTURED AND MUTILATED! NOW I PERFECTED YOU MUWAAAAAAHAHAHAAAA. WHOM do you serve?
Lurtz: SAURUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN
Saruman: That was so manly
Saruman is talking to other Uruk-Hai..
Saruman: Hunt them down! Don't stop till they're found! Even to go to the bathroom! THEN YOU'LL TASTE MAN FLESH! But until then, enjoy your moldy bread!
Uruk-Hai: WHOOOOOOOO
Saruman: *to Lurtz* One of the Hobbits carries something shiny and of GREAT value. Bring me the Hobbits, but don't eat them!
Boats
Fellowship of 8: *departs Lothlorien in boats*
Galadriel: Frodo! I gave the others gifts too but you have to watch the extended version for that! I give you Earendil..its epic light will protect you when all other lights go out!
FO8: *goes down the river*
Uruk-Hai: *are running down one side of the river*
Aragorn: OMG FRODO LOOK THE ARAGORNATH. THE KINGS OF OLD! MY KIN! IT HAS MY NAME IN IT!
Statues: *are huge*
FO8: *embarks on the riverbank*
Aragorn: We're gonna cross the river at nightfall, hide the boats, then continue on foot and approach Mordor from the north. Kay?
Gimli: Oh yeah? You think we can get through Emyn Muil? It has RAZOR SHARP ROCKS and festering, smelly, gross mashes!
Aragorn: And you should recover strength, otherwise we'll leave you behind in the marshes
Gimli: OH YOU LITTLE--grrr
Legolas: We should leave now! A SHADOW AND A THREAT GROW IN MY MIND AHHHHHHHH
Aragorn: ...
Gimli: HE TOLD ME TO RECOVER MY STRENGTH! Don't pay attention to me! I'M JUST A WEAK LITTLE DWARF WHO NEEDS TO RECOVER HIS STRENGTH!
Merry: Uhh where's Frodo?
Aragorn: *sees Boromir isn't there as well* Uh oh
Crazyyyy Boromir
Frodo: *walks in the forest*
Statue head: Hey! You! Can you find my body? PLEASE HAVE MERCY!
Boromir: *is gathering firewood* You shouldn't wander alone! But it works for me anyway! I KNOW WHY YOU SEEK SOLITUDE
Frodo: Um..dude?
Boromir: You suffer, you suffer NEEDLESSLY. Take other paths!
Frodo: You know that sounds like wisdom except that my mind is warning me againt your creepiness
Boromir: WE'RE ALL AFRAID! IT'S MADNESS, MADNESS I SAY!
Frodo: Um yeah. I think I'll leave now
Boromir: DON'T RECOIL FROM ME! I LOVE GONDOR! I LOVE HAPPINESS! I LOVE---EAAAA GIVE ME THE RINGGGGGG!
Frodo: How about NOT?
Boromir: Oh yeah? THEY'RE GONNA FIND YOU AND TAKE THE RING AND SMASH YOU INTO TINY PIECES! I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'LL BEG FOR YOUR DEATH! THIS RING SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! GIVE IT TO MEEEEEE! *pounces on Frodo*
Frodo: *puts on the Ring and dissapears*
Boromir: HEY!
Frodo: *kicks him*
Boromir: Ohhh I know your mind! YOU'LL TAKE THE RING TO SAURON! YOU'LL KILL US ALL! I HATE YOUUUUUUU!!! *falls over*
Boromir: ...oh I'm so gonna be in trouble with Aragorn when he hears about this. WAAAAH FRODO I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAAAAN IIIIT!
Frodo: *runs to the Seat of Seeing*
Sauron's eye: RAAAAAAH!
Frodo: *takes off the ring and falls off the structure* Why am I ALWAYS falling?
Aragorn: Frodo!
Frodo: BOROMIR IS INSANE!
Aragorn: *evil voice* Where is the Ringggg?
Frodo: AHHHH NOT YOU TOO!
Aragorn: Wait wait! I swore to protect you!
Frodo: Well..would you destroy it?
Aragorn: *puts his hand over the Ring*
Ring: Arrrraaaagoooorrrrrn...Elessssaaaaaar...you know you want toooooo
Aragorn: *closes Frodo's hand over the Ring*
Ring: HEY!
Aragorn: I would have followed you..to the very fires of Mordor!
Frodo: *bawls* Please tell Sam I love him!
Sting: *is glowing*
Aragorn: Run Frodo! *goes to confront the Uruk-Hai*
Battle
Aragorn: *kills a bunch of Uruk-Hai*
Legolas and Gimli: *joins him*
Aragorn: Well ABOUT TIME!
Legolas: Sorry, I had to brush my hair. Not going into battle looking unkempt!
Gimli: *makes sure to hit at least one Urik-Hai in the crotch*
Merry: Hey Frodo! Hide here with Pippin and I!
Frodo: *shakes his head*
Pippin: He's gonna leave without us! *jumps up from his hiding place*
Urik-Hai: Look! A Hobbit!
Merry: Go Frodo! AHHH YOU KNOW YOU WANT US! COME AND GET US!
Merry and Pippin: *lead the Uruk-Hai away from Frodo*
Pippin: It's working!
Merry: Yeah A LITTLE TOO WELL! So much we're trapped!
Urik-Hai: *prepares to strike them*
Boromir: Nooooooooo! *blocks his sword just in time and fights others*
Legolas and Aragorn: *hears the horn of Gondor*
Aragorn: Boromir!! Fight faster! We must help him!!
A bunch of Urik-Hai: *come to fight Boromir*
Boromir: Uh oh. I think blowing the horn was a bad idea nowww!
Lurtz: *shoots Boromir with an arrow*
Boromir: OW! HEY! Well I'm still gonna fight more so there!
Lurtz: *shoots him again*
Boromir: *falls to his knees and sees the two Hobbits* I CAN STILL PROTECT YOOOOOU *kills more*
Lurtz: UADHFGJKFD%$@&* STUPID HUMANS! *shoots him again*
Boromir: Owww..anyone have any morphine?
Merry and Pippin: RAAAAA! WE WILL AVENGE YOOOOU! *get captured by the Urik-Hai*
Pippin: Boromiiiiir!
Lurtz: *walks up to Boromir and prepares to shoot him again*
Aragorn: NOOOOOOOO!! *crashes into him and his arrow goes somewhere else*
Lurtz: OMG HUMANS ARE SO ANNOYING!
Aragorn: Yeah? Well this should solve your problems *cuts off his head* *runs to Boromir*
Boromir: They took Merry and Pippin! And I tried to take the Ring from Frodo! I FAIL AT LIFE
Aragorn: No! You fought bravely! You have regained your honor
Boromir: MEN WILL FALL! AND LIGHT! AND GONDOR!
Aragorn: NEVER. As long as I'm alive I swear I won't let the White City fall, or the people. Oh great this means I have to be king now right?
Boromir: And I would have followed! My brother..my captain..my king! *dies*
Aragorn: Awww..now he won't be called home by the trumpets and epic banners
Frodo and Sam continue
Sam: FRODOOOO? Where are yooou?
Frodo: *is at the boats and is crying* I suppose I must leave now
Sam: FRODO NO WAIT FOR ME!!
Frodo: I'm sorry! I must go alone!
Sam: THEN YOU'LL GO ALONE WITH ME!! *tries to swim to the boat but sinks*
Frodo: SAM!!! *pulls him out of the water*
Sam: I PROMISED NEVER TO LEAVE YOU!
Frodo: Yeah some company would be nice. Let's go then
Boromir's body in a boat: *goes over a waterfall*
Aragorn: *puts on Boromir's gauntlets*
Legolas: Come on already! Frodo and Sam have already reached the other side!
Aragorn: And leave Merry and Pippin to be tortured by the Urik-Hai? No way! LET'S GO HUNTING!
Gimli: Whooo! Yeah!!
Frodo and Sam: *see Mordor from a distance*
Frodo: Ok Sam? NOW I'm glad you're with me. I wish I could see the others again though
Sam: We may. First, let's destroy that Ring!
Ring: HEY!
Part 1: Fin!
Today's Latin: candor dat viribus alas (sincerity gives wings to strength)
Wow college is stressing me ooout..wah essays
Prologue
Galadriel: THE WORLD HAS CHANGED OMG! MANY things have been lost. No one can remember where though..like where they put their glasses. Anyway, gather around everyone, and I'll tell a story! There were many Rings of Power. Only THREE were given to the Elves, can you BELIEVE it?? We're like, the most beautiful things ever to have existed! WE NEVER MESS UP!!! At least I got one. Seven went to the Dwarves. Ugh Dwarves. And nine were given to Men, WHO ALWAYS MESS UP NO MATTER WHAT! THEY WANT POWER! So what did someone do? They gave men rings of POWER. But Sauron forged a ring for himself, in Mount Doom. HE PUT CRUELTY IN IT! No one can figure out how, but the people of Middle-earth were getting destroyed by Sauron. But a last alliance of ELVES and men resisted! I like to watch the epic battle on TV..well, until Sauron comes AND MESSES UP THE EPICNESS. How COULD he? Also, I get distracted by Elrond's eyebrows
Sauron: Die, idiots, die! *flings them around with his staff* Whee! I HAVE A SHINY RING AND YOU DON'T SO THERE!
Galadriel: The man who was Isildur's father tried to fight Sauron but just got thrown against a rock wall. Then Isildur tried to pick up his sword but Sauron stepped on it and then Isildur cut off his fingers
Sauron: I'LL BE BACK! *implodes*
Isildur: Oooh, shiny
Galadriel: And so Sauron was
Ring: Mwahahaha
Galadriel: It was lost in the water where he was killed and for like 2000 years everyone forgot about it. Then Gollum found it
Gollum: MY PRECIOUSSSS
Ring: Are you asking me out?
Galadriel: The Ring made Gollum live a long time! Well actually, 500 years is nothing compared to Elves, but whatever. There was DARKNESS in the forests
Audience: Maybe cause it was night?
Galadriel: Shut up. There were rumors of a shadow in the east, FEARS NO ONE COULD NAME!! And the Ring was satisfied and abandoned Gollum
Ring: *bouncing off rock* Owwww hard *bounce* rock *smash* OH MY BEAUTIFUL SHINY FACE!!
Bilbo: Oooh look, shiny!
Ring: I fail at life
Gollum: AAAAAAAH THE PRECIOUSSSS IS GONEEEEE
Galadriel: HOORAY FOR THE LITTLE HAIRY PEOPLE!
The Shire, 60 years later
Frodo: *is reading a book under a tree*
Gandalf: *is singing*
Frodo: OMG! *runs to meet him* YOU ARE SO LATE! I BAKED YOU COOKIES AND NOW THEY'RE COLD!
Gandalf: I COME AND GO WHEN I WANT!
Frodo: *leaps into his arms* It's SO awesome to see you again! Tell me EVERYTHING that's happened in the world!
Gandalf: They hardly know of Hobbits
Frodo: Thanks, man
Gandalf: But it's Bilbo's birthday soon! This party is supposed to be EPIC
Frodo: HE'S CAUSED SO MUCH CHAOS! Half of the Shire is invited!
Gandalf: Hmmm
Frodo: WELL IT'S YOUR FAULT THAT WE BAGGINSES ARE HATED!
Gandalf: Oh come on..I only got him out of the door!
Frodo: You disturbed the peace
Children: OMG FIREWORKS PLEASE WE'RE PYRO HOBBIT CHILDREN!
Gandalf: Hmmmm
Children: HEY!
Gandalf: *sets off butterfly fireworks*
Frodo: I'm SO glad you're back *jumps off wagon and waves goodbye*
Gandalf: *Is smoking. Again*
Reunion
Gandalf: *drives up to Bilbo's house*
Sign on Bilbo's gate: I HATE YOU. GO AWAY
Gandalf: *knocks on his door*
Bilbo: NO I DON'T WANNA BE CONVERTED TO MORMONISM!
Gandalf: Now that's not how you greet an old friend is it?
Bilbo: *opens door* Gan..dalf?
Gandalf: ...you don't look 111 years old
Bilbo: But I have FOOD! Lots and LOTS of it. Or perhaps some tea? OR maybe some wine from 1296!
Gandalf: Ew!
Biblo: *starts doing stuff in the kitchen* I was EXPECTING you last week you know
Gandalf: *looks at maps in the other room*
Bilbo: I can make you eggs too!
Gandalf: No, just tea
Bilbo: *with a mouthful of food* Well I'm gonna stuff my face!
Woman: *knocks on the door* OPEN THE DOOR THIS INSANT!
Bilbo: AHHHHH GET ME AWAY FROM HEREEEEE!! I WANNA GO TO THE MOUNTAINS AND FINISH MY BOOK
Gandalf: So you are gonna go through with your plan then. Frodo suspects, you know
Bilbo: Well I feel old!
Gandalf: ..I wonder why
Party!
Gandalf and Bilbo: *are smoking*
Bilbo: This is the best weed eva, yo
Gandalf: *blows a smoke ship*
Bilbo: Duuuuuude
Later at the party..
Fireworks: *explode*
Pyro Hobbit children: YAAAAAY
Sam: *stares at Rosie*
Frodo: Oh come on, ask her to dance!
Sam: NEED..MORE..ALCOHOL
Frodo: OH NO YOU DON'T *pushes him to Rosie*
Sam: *makes unintelligable noises*
Bilbo: *is telling a story to Hobbit children* THE TROLLS WANTED TO SQUASH US AND EAT US!
Hobbit child: *faints*
Bilbo: But then the sun came up and turned them into stone
Pippin: Let's cause trouble!
Merry: Yeah!
Pippin: *looks in Gandalf's wagon for the perfect firework and finds a big red one*
Merry: OHHH YEAAAH
Pippin: *lights it INSIDE A TENT* ...now what?
Merry: We wait for it to explode in our faces?
Pippin: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH *firework explodes*
Firework: *becomes a dragon and swoops low over the crowd*
Frodo: OMG BILBO THERE'S A DRAGON
Bilbo: Pssssh there haven't been any for a thousand years!
Firework: *explodes in a massive amount of spectacularness*
Pyro Hobbit children: *droooooool*
Pippin: LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!
Gandalf: *grabs one of Merry and Pippin's ears* I KNEW IT
Merry in Pippin: *have to wash dishes*
People: *are carrying a huge cake*
People in crowd: SPEEEEECH BILBO SPEEEEEECH!
Bilbo: But I hate public speaking!
People: SPEEEEEECH
Bilbo: I THOUGHT I WOULD BE DONE WITH THIS IN SCHOOL! I HATE YOU ALL! *dissapears*
Cake: *catches on fire*
Crowd: OH NOES!
Bilbo: *inside his house now* OH MY SHINY RING I LOVE YOU!
Ring: Ooo rawr
Gandalf: And I bet you think that was SO clever?
Bilbo: ..how did you get here before me?
Gandalf: YOU USED A MAGIC RING
Bilbo: I'm leaving this place..Frodo can have all my posessions
Gandalf: The Ring too?
Bilbo: Yes that too..it's on the mantelpiece
Ring: HEY!
Bilbo: No..it's still in my pocket. I DON'T WANNA PART WITH IT
Gandalf: Is it really that hard?
Bilbo: MY PRECIOUSSSSSS!
Gandalf: ...I think you've had that long enough
Bilbo: I BET WHEN I LEAVE YOU'LL TAKE IT FOR YOURSELF!!
Gandalf: RAAAAAAAH!
Biblo: *whimpers*
Gandalf: I'm trying to help you! Can't you trust me as you once did?
Bilbo: OKAY I'll give it to Frodo *drops the Ring very slowly and dramatically*
Ring: OW! OH WE ARE SO THROUGH
Bilbo: Bye Gandalf!
Not safe..
Gandalf: *puts his hand over the Ring*
Ring: DON'T TOUCH ME
Gandalf: *sees the Eye of Sauron and goes to brood by the fire. While smoking*
Frodo: *comes in and sees the Ring* Oooh shiny
The Ring: *purrs at him*
Frodo: Aw Bilbo left!
Gandalf: He's left you everything! HIDE THE RING
Frodo: But..where are you going?
Gandalf: Somewhere
Frodo: ...
Gandalf: *rides to Minas Tirith*
Gollum (from Barad-Dur): BAGGINS STOLE THE PRECIOUS!
The Nine Ringwraiths: *are released*
Galdalf: *reads documents from Isildur*
Isildur: I AM THE KING OF GONDOR AND I HAVE A SHINY RING MUAHTREHJBHG!! Though the writing on the band faded and only fire can show it. I somehow know this. Yes
A Ringwraith: *comes to the Shire*
Guy chopping wood: I THOUGHT THE GOTHIC LOOK WENT OUT OF STYLE!
Ringwraith: TELL ME WHERE BAGGINS IS OR I'LL SNIFF YOU TO DEATH!
Guy: Uh yeah that way. If you don't mind I'll hide now
Frodo: *comes home after drinking with Sam*
House: *is empty, dark, and scary*
Frodo: Why does my house suddenly look like this?
Hand: *grabs Frodo's shoulder*
Frodo: AAAAAAAH I DON'T WANNA DIE!
Gandalf: YOU WILL IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP! IS THE RING SAFE??
Frodo: So safe I'll get it and show it to you!
Gandalf: *throws it in the fireplace*
Frodo: Have you lost your mind??
Gandalf: *takes it out with tongs* Hold out your hand. It's not hot
Frodo: You threw it in the FIRE. How could it not be H--
Gandalf: *drops the Ring in his hand*
Frodo: AAAAHhh...it's not hot. How did you even KNOW it would do that?
Gandalf: Can you see anything? Writing?
Frodo: Mmmm no
Gandalf: *closes his eyes in relief*
Frodo: Oh wait! There's some form of Elvish on here which I somehow know
Writing: I HATE ELVES! WHY AM I WRITING THIS IN ELVISH? Danger: This Ring will cause the death of thousands. Keep out of reach of small children
Gandalf: It was made in MORRRRDORRR by Sauron but Isildur stole it from him. It was in Bilbo's keeping for sixty years but now EEEVIL is stirring..the Ring has heard Sauron's angushed pleas to be with the Ring again
Frodo: ...but Sauron was destroyed!
Ring: Stupid Hobbit
Gandalf: Noooo his life force is bound to the Ring! ALL THIS THOUGHT HIS BENT ON GETTING IT BACK! That could be why his eye is so red
Frodo: *grabs the Ring* WE'LL HIDE IT!
Gandalf: ..except Gollum told everyone where it is
Watchman guy: *sees the Ringwraiths* Ohhh not the Goths again!
Ringwraith: *cuts off his head*
Frodo: AHHHH YOU TAKE THE RING!
Ring: NOOOOOO DON'T YOU DARE!
Gandalf: But it hates me!
Frodo: I'M GIVING IT TO YOU!
Gandalf: I CANNOT TAKE IT! I'd want to use the Ring out of goodness but it would make me evil too
Frodo: THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO??
*cut to Frodo packing*
Gandalf: Go to the village of Bree and I will meet you at the Inn of the Prancing Pony
Frodo: And I have any idea where this place is..?
Gandalf: I must see my mentor. He will DEFINITELY know what to do. Also, stay off the road
Noise outside the window: OW!
Gandalf: *pulls up Sam and slams him on the table*
Sam: Trimming bushes is fun!
Gandalf: WHAT DID YOU HEAR?!
Sam: Something about the end of the world. AHHH I DON'T WANNA DIE!
The journey begins
Gandalf: So I'm gonna leave you all alone and unprotected in these woods. Never put on the Ring or Sauron's servants will know where you are. Have fun! *rides off*
Frodo and Sam: *walk through fields*
Sam: *stops suddenly*
Frodo: Um Sam? You don't need to be a scarecrow, there's one right behind you
Sam: If I take ONE MORE STEP I'll be farther from home than I've ever been!
Gandalf and Saruman
Gandalf: *rides to Isengard*
Saruman: MY OLD FRIEND!
Gandalf: *tells Saruman of the Ring*
Saruman: *gasp*
Gandalf: And all this time it was in the Shire!
Saruman: Have you been smoking too much weed?
Gandalf: WE NEED TO COUNTER SAURON!
Inside the Tower of Isengard
Saruman: Sauron has regained A LOT of strength for an eye. His gaze pierces cloud, shadow, earth and flesh
Gandalf: Ewwww
Saruman: HE'S GATHERING AN ARMY THAT'LL SOON BE ABLE TO ASSAULT MIDDLE-EARTH!
Gandalf: How do you KNOW all this?
Saruman: *shows him his Palantir*
Gandalf: OMG SOMEONE COULD BE WATCHING US!
Saruman: The nine Ringwraiths have left Minas Morgul and will KILL the one who carries the Ring!
Gandalf: *tries to escape but Saruman closes all the doors*
Saruman: JOIN WITH SAURON AND I
Gandalf: NEVAH
*a wizard fight ensues and Gandalf ends up at the top of the tower*
More Hobbits
Sam: AHHHHH I LOST FRODO!
Frodo: ...I'm right here
Sam: I PROMISED GANDALF I'D NEVER LOSE YOU!
Merry and Pippin: *run into them*
Sam: HEY! You've been into Farmer Maggot's crop again!
Merry: Run!!
Pippin: He shouldn't be THAT upset! We only stole 65478 vegitables!
Hobbits: *fall off a cliff*
Farmer Maggot: HA HA
Pippin: OMG MUSHROOMS
Frodo: Uh guys? The path just grew bigger..?
Merry: So?
Frodo: HIDE!
*sniff sniff*
Hobbits: *hide under a tree*
Ringwrath: *comes and sniffs*
Merry: WTH?
Bugs: *come out of the tree*
Merry: Big..spider..on..m..*faints*
Ring: FRODO PUT ME ON PUT ME ON!!!
Sam: Frodo? Are you ok? *throws mushrooms to distract the Ringwrath*
Ringwraith: SCREEEEE
To Bree
It's night..
Merry: Um Frodo? Can you explain to me why we're running so far and why these things are after us?
Frodo: Sam and I must get to Bree
Merry: And I know how to get there! TO BUCKLEBURY FERRY!
Ringwraith: SCREEEEE!
Sam, Merry, Pippin: *make it to the ferry*
Frodo: *is running in slo-mo*
Ringraith: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Sam: COME ON ALREADY!
Ferry: *has started floating away from the dock*
Frodo: *makes the best, biggest jump in Hobbit history*
Ringwraith: HEY!
Happenings in Bree
Frodo: *knocks on the gate to Bree*
Gatekeeper: *opens peeking window thing* What do YOU want?
Frodo: WE WOULD LIKE TO GET OUT OF THE RAIN AND GO TO THE PRANCING PONY IF YOU DON'T MIND!
Gatekeeper: *opens gate* FOUR Hobbits? I'll let you in even though there's talk of strange people!
At the Prancing Pony..
Frodo: Um Mr. Tall Guy?
Bartender: FOUR Hobbits! We actually have Hobbit-sized rooms avaliable! Your name is?
Frodo: Mr...Underhill. Can you tell Gandalf we've arrived?
Bartender: *thinks* OH Gandalf! I haven't seen him in six months
Frodo: OMG WE'RE GONNA DIE
Drinking at a table..
Frodo: WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE OMG
Pippin: LOOK A PINT! Hangover time here I come!
Merry: I'M GONNA GET ONE TOO!
Sam: That guy in the corner has been staring at you since we arrived
Frodo: EW
Bartender: That's Strider! He likes to wander in the wild and write emo poetry
Ring: HEY FRODO PUT ME ON!
Frodo: Ughhhffmhf
Pippin: Baggins?
Frodo: Huh what?
Pippin: FRODO BAGGINS IS RIGHT THERE!
Frodo: NOOOO *trips and falls, losing his hold on the ring but it falls on his finger anyway*
Ringraiths: FINALLY!
Sauron's eye: I SEEEE YOOOOU
Frodo: OMG GET ME OUT OF HERE *takes ring off*
Strider: *hauls him up to his room*
Frodo: Scary..man..
Strider: I CAN PROTECT YOU!
Sam: *opens door forcefully* RAAAAAH I'LL KILL YOU BEFORE YOU TOUCH FRODO!!
Strider: I already touched him. Besides, I can protect you from the Ringwraiths
Into the wild
Ringwraiths: *ride into Bree*
Gatekeeper: *gets squished*
Ringwraiths: *go into the room where they think the Hobbits are*
Strider: *is watching*
Hobbits: *are sleeping*
Ringwraiths: *stab the beds*
Sam: AHHHH!
Ringwraiths: *realize they've been tricked* SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
Frodo: Who are they and why do they scream so girly?
Strider: Idiot men who were given rings of power. They aren't alive or dead AND THEY WILL NEVER STOP HUNTING YOU!
Frodo: Thanks, man
Next day..they have left Bree
Frodo: Where are we going where are we going WHERE ARE WE GOING?!
Strider: The place of "shut up or I'll give you to Sauron myself"
Merry: Are you sure he's Gandalf's friend?
Sam: Where are you taking us WHERE ARE--
Strider: TO RIVENDELL YOU IDIOT! You can be distracted by Elrond's eyebrows instead of bothering me!
Sam: YAY!
Eh?
Strider: *sees the Hobbits have stopped* ..what are you doing?
Pippin: We're having breakfast!
Strider: ..but you already had it
Pippin: Not second breakfast!
Strider: ...
*girly voice* Ooooh, Saruman!
Saruman: *is using nicely manicured fingernails to summon Sauron over the Palantir*
Sauron: You GOT YOUR NAILS DONE?? Why did I hire you again? Ugh, just build me an army already
Orc: What does the eye command?
Saruman: CUT DOWN EVERY TREE WITHIN A ONE MILE RADIUS!
Orcs: *cut down trees*
Gandalf: *awakens from the top of the tower*
Orc: Saruman Saruman the trees' roots are strong OMG WHAT DO WE DO?!
Saruman: DON'T TRY TO RIP THEM FROM THEIR ROOTS THEN!
Ringwraiths vs Strider
Strider: The watchtower of Amon Sul! We'll rest here tonight
All four Hobbits: *collapse*
Strider: *gives them swords*
Frodo: And we have any idea how to use these..?
Strider: Whatever. I'm gonna go brood or something
Frodo: *falls alseep, and awakens to find..*
Other three: *have made a fire and are cooking*
Frodo: OMG IDIOTS! *puts the fire out with his foot*
Pippin: HEY! Now there's ash on my food!
Ringwraiths: SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
All four: *go to the center of the ruin and wait for the Ringwraiths*
Ringwraiths: *appear out of the dark*
Sam: DIE! ..wait..er GO AWAY!
Ringwraith: *pushes him aside*
Merry and Pippin: WE'LL PROTECT YOU FRODO!
Ringwraith: *pushes them aside*
Frodo: *drops sword, falls down, and takes out the Ring*
Ring: HEY RINGWRAITHS OVER HERE!
Witch King: OMG SWEET SWEET LOVE
Frodo: *puts on the Ring and sees the Ringwraiths' true forms*
Witch King: GIVE. ME. THE. RING
Frodo: NEVAH
Witch King: *stabs him*
Strider: RAAAAAAAAAH! *attacks the Ringwraiths*
Frodo: *takes the Ring off* HE STABBED ME!
Strider: *drives all the Ringwraiths away*
Pippin: Duuuuude
Strider: He needs Elvish medicine!
Sam: But we're too far from Rivendell!
Mothness
Isengard: *is barren*
Holes: *are very deep*
Orcs: *are making weapons and making creatures out of mud*
Gandalf: *YAWN* This is so--OMG A MOTH!
Moth: *lands in his hand*
Gandalf: SEND FOR AN EAGLE!
Say WHAT?
Strider and co: *stop at the place Bilbo was talking about where the trolls were turned to stone*
Frodo: UHUHHHHGFYFJH
Pippin: AHHH IS HE GONNA DIE??
Strider: He'll soon become a Ringwraith! Do you know what Athelas is?
Sam: Can I smoke it?
Strider: *rolls eyes* Does KINGSFOIL help you any?
Sam: That's a WEED. You know how HARD it is to get it out of your garden? You--
Strider: SHUT UP AND FIND SOME SO WE CAN HELP FRODO
Strider: *finds some*
Girl with a sword: Oh how sweet, gathering flowers for me while the others are gonna become Ringwraith stew?
Strider: *gives her a quirky smile*
Chase
Shiny elf girl: *rides up to Frodo* I AM ARWEN AND I'M SPEAKING TO YOU IN ELVISH EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! COME BACK TO THE LIIIIIGHT..SHIIINY
Frodo: Uyuftde
Arwen: WE MUST GET HIM TO MY FATHER!
Strider: (In Elvish) Then can you look after the Hobbits while I go?
Arwen: NUH UH MISTER! I'm going!
Strider: But it's dangerous!
Arwen: (In English) Then I'll show those Ringwraiths what I can do! ONWARD HORSIE!
Ringwraiths: *chase her*
Ringwraith #4: *tries to touch Frodo*
Arwen: FASTER HORSIE!
Branch: *cuts Arwen's cheek*
Arwen: *crosses the river*
Ringwraiths: WATER OH NOES!
Ringwraith #2: GIVE US THE SHORT GUY! I'LL GIVE YOU A COOKIE!
Arwen: Then come over here!
Ringwraiths: *start to cross the river*
Arwen: *speaks to the river in Elvish*
Wave of horses: *take out the Ringwraiths and their horses*
Ringwraith #7: I TOLD YOU WATER WAS DANGEROUS!
Frodo: UHHHHHHHHHHHHUGG
Arwen: NOOOOO PLEASE LIVE! POWER OF THE SHINYNESS SAVE HIM!
World: *goes white*
Elrond: *appears and speaks to Frodo in Elvish*
Rivendell - Home of Elrond's Eyebrows
Frodo: Ahgghhh where am I?
Gandalf: The House of Elrond's Eyebrows!
Color: *comes back to normal*
Frodo: OMG GANDALF. OMG I'M IN A REAL BED
Gandalf: You got here just in time or you would have been unable to heal!
Frodo: Why didn't you meat us in Bree?
Gandalf: Err..
Flashback
Saruman: *tosses Gandalf around with this staff and hangs him by his feet from the side of the tower* I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND! AND I DON'T TAKE "BEST FRIENDS" LIGHTLY! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? *throws him to the other side* EMBRACE THE POWER OF THE RING AND ALLY WITH SAURON OR BE DESTROYED!
Gandalf: Right. I'm leaving now *jumps off the tower*
Saruman: HEY! KILLING YOU WAS MY J--
Gandalf: *lands on an eagle bird thing and flies away*
Saruman: DARN YOOOOU!
Rivendell
Frodo: Uhhh Gandalf?
Gandalf: Uh what? Have I been smoking too much again?
Sam: OMG FRODO YOU'RE AWAKE!
Gandalf: He's hardly left your side! And thanks to Elrond you're beginning to heal!
Elrond: Welcome!
Frodo: *stares at his eyebrows*
Happenings in Rivendell
Frodo: *gets reunited with Merry, Pippin, and Bilbo*
Bilbo: I'M OLD!
Frodo: But you wrote a great book!
Sam: *is packing*
Frodo: Hey! I thought you wanted to see the Elves!
Sam: BUT THEY HAVE DISTRACTING EYEBROWS!
Gandalf and Elrond: *watch Frodo and Sam*
Elrond: He's certainly a strong little Hobbit
Gandalf: And how about we don't ask any more of him before he passes out from stress?
Elrond: The ENEMY is MOVING. His EYE is FIXED on RIVENDELL
Sauron's eye: MUST...KEEP...STARING...OMG A NAKED ELF!
Elrond: AND Saruman has betrayed us. WHY ARE OUR ALLIES BECOMING BAD?!
Gandalf: He's breeding mud creatures!
Elrond: We can't stand against Mordor AND Isengard! The Ring must not stay here!
Boromir: *arrives*
Legolas: *arrives* OMG I used THREE bottles of my finest shampoo on this journey! UGH THE WORLD IS SO DIRTY! This had better be good
Gimli: *arrives*
Elrond: The Elves are leaving and dwarves are greedy. Who will you turn to now?
Gandalf: Men!
Elrond: I HATE MEN! THEY'RE STUPID! AND THEY SMELL BAD! And Isildur didn't throw the Ring into the fire..WE WERE RIGHT THERE DANGIT!
Gandalf: Why didn't you just push him into the fire?
Elrond: ...
Boromir and romaaaance
Boromir: *picks up part of Narsil and cuts his finger trying to see how sharp it is* STILL SHARPE STILL SHARPE WHOOOOO
Strider: ...
Boromir: STOP STARING AT ME! *drops sword and runs away*
Strider: *puts sword back reverently*
Arwen: STOP FEARING YOUR PAST!
Strider: BUT I HAVE WEAKNESS TOO!
Arwen: YOU WILL DEFEAT THE EVIL! Do you remember the first time we met?
Strider: Uh
Arwen: *taps foot*
Strider: OH! YEAH! THAT! You were very shiny
Arwen: NOW I'M GONNA CHOOSE A MORTAL LIFE CAUSE I DON'T WANNA LIVE FOREVER AND NOT BE WITH YOU! *gives him her Evenstar necklace*
Strider: *gasp*
Arwen and Strider: *kiss each other*
Council
Elrond: We different peoples have come here to help Middle-earth AND YOU'LL UNITE OR FAIL! Bring the ring to this pedistal, Frodo
Frodo: *does so*
Boromir: IT IS A GIFT TO THE FOES IN MORDOR! We should use the Ring to impress my father AND GONDOR IS AWESOME SO THERE!
Strider: The Ring only answers to Sauron
Boromir: And you're a wandering ranger. What makes YOU know so much?
Legolas: HEY! THIS IS ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN!
Aragorn: *facepalms*
Boromir: You are Isildur's heir??
Legolas: Heir to the throne of Gondor!
Aragorn: (In Elvish) Shut up and sit down
Boromir: Gondor needs NO king, thankyouverymuch
Elrond: The Ring must be destroyed
Aragorn: DUH
Gimli: Why are we waiting? Smashing things is fun! *tries to destroy it but gets thrown backwards instead*
Ring: HA HA
Elrond: The only way it can be destroyed is to throw it into the fires of Mount Doom! And one of you must do it!
Silence: *is awkward*
Boromir: You don't just walk into Mordor! It's evil and Sauron's eye is always watching. WHY did we have to build Gondor next to it?
Legolas: THE RING STILL HAS TO BE DESTROYED!
Gimli: STUPID ELF! WE DWARVES COULD DO IT BETTER THAN YOU
Boromir: OMG WE'RE GONNA FAIL
Everyone except Frodo: *argues*
Frodo: I'M GONNA TAKE THE RING TO MORDOR! You people make me sick
Gandalf: I'll come too!
Aragorn: I'll protect you with my sword!
Legolas: And my bow! BUT DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR
Gimli: And my AXE!
Boromir: And I'll come too with all the love of Gondor!
Sam: OMG DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME!
Elrond: I thought this meeting was a secret..?
Merry and Pippin: WE'RE COMING TOO!
Elrond: Nine of you. YOU SHALL BE THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING! Now get out of here before my eyebrows melt off my face
Pippin: Ooooh! Where are we going?
Elrond: *facepalms*
Scary Bilbo
Bilbo: Here, have my sword! It's shiny and glows blue when Orcs are near! Oh and have my mithril vest too! It's as hard as dragon scales! Put it on so I can see how epic you look!
Frodo: *starts unbuttoning his shirt*
Bilbo: *sees the Ring hanging around his neck* RAAAAA IT'S MY RINGGGGGG!!! I WANT I WANT!...oh darn! I was so far in therapy too!
Over the hills and far away..
Fellowship: *sets out on their quest*
Galndalf narrating: OMG LOOK MOUNTAINS! WE'LL BE SEEING THEM FOR FORTY DAYS! YEAH! AND THEN WE'LL SEE THE GAP OF ROHAN! AND THEN MORDOR!
Fellowship: *has stopped to rest or something*
Merry and Pippin: *practice swordfighting with Boromir*
Boromir: EN GARDE! SIXTE! QUARTE!
Merry and Pippin: ...
Gimli: Why haven't you asked MY opinion yet? Why do we HAVE to go this way? It's longer and I wanna see my cousin Balin in the Mines of Moria!
Gandalf: NO WAY WE ARE GOING THERE
Gimli: I HATE YOU
Boromir: *accidentally nicks Pippin*
Pippin: HEY! *kicks him and he and Merry wrestle him to the ground*
Legolas: *notices something in the distance*
Gimli: Oh come on, it's clouds or something!
Legolas: OMG EVIL BIRDS!
Everyone: *hides*
Birds: *notice them anyway*
Gandalf: Looks like we won't be going south
Gimli: *chanting* MORIA! MORIA!
Gandalf: WE MUST GO OVER CARADHRAS!
Caradhras: *is a mountain covered with snow*
Caradhras..the big white snowy mountain of almost death
Fellowship: *are walking in the snow on Caradhras*
Frodo: *randomly falls down*
Ring: *comes off his neck*
Ring: (to snow) Hey baby
Boromir: *picks up the chain the Ring is on*
Aragorn: Uh Boromir?
Boromir: Shiiiiiiny..
Aragorn: *taps foot* Boromiiiiir..
Boromir: It's so small and cute *tries to touch it*
Ring: Oh baby, this is one of the best days ever
Aragorn: BOROMIR!!!
Boromir: WHAT?! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY HERE!
Aragorn: GIVE THE RING BACK TO FRODO YOU IDIOT!
Boromir and the Ring: *sighs*
Boromir: Oh very well *gives the Ring back to Frodo*
Frodo: *grabs it*
The evil birds: *report to Saruman*
Saruman: HA HA YOU HAVE TO GO OVER CARADHRAS! I bet the mountain will defeat you! YOU SHOULD HAVE JOINED ME GANDALF!
Wind on the mountain: *blows*
Legolas: *walks atop the snow*
Everyone else: *has to walk half deep in it with Aragorn and Boromir carrying the Hobbits*
Boromir: I hate Elves, I hate Elves OMG I'M GONNA KILL HIM AFTER THIS
Merry: OH DEAR SWEET FOOD OF HOBBITON REMIND ME NEVER TO GO ON A MOUNTAIN AGAIN
Legolas: *hears Saruman's voice* I hear a voice!
Snow: *falls from the mountain*
Gandalf: Saruman!
Boromir: CAN WE TURN BACK NOW SO WE DON'T FREEZE TO DEATH??
Gandalf: NOT IF I UTTER CHOICE WORDS TO SARUMAN!
Saruman: *strikes part of the mountain with lightning*
Snow: *buries them all*
Legolas' head: *emerges first* YOU MESSED UP MY HAIR!
Boromir: Now can we get off the mountain? How about Gondor?
Gimli: I still say we go to the Mines of Moria
Gandalf: Let Frodo decide
Frodo: I'm gonna choose NOT FREEZING TO DEATH
The entrance of Moria
Gimli: OMG MORIA *kisses the walls*
Gandalf: Look! The door to Moria! It says speak friend and enter! Friend!
Door: *does nothing*
Gandalf: Frodo! Legolas! Some other wizard dudes!
Door: ...
Gandalf: *says friend in Dwarvish*
Door: ...
2 hours later
Gandalf: NATURE! NATURE IS MY FRIEND! THE TREES TALK TO ME ALL THE TIME!
Pippin: *throws rocks in the water*
Aragorn: STOP THAT YOU STUPID HOBBIT
Frodo: Hey..what's the Elvish world for friend?
Gandalf: Mellon!
Doors: *open*
Gandalf: And the Dwarves knew Elvish how?
Fellowship: *goes in*
Gimli: NOW YOU WILL SEE THE HOSPITALITY OF THE DWARVES! Campfires, beer, meat..oh yeah!
Bormir: Uh Gimli..the Dwaves are dead
Skeletons: *are scattered*
Legolas! They were shot! By arrows!
Aragorn: *facepalms*
Boromir: NOW we are going to the Gap of Rohan!
Tentacle: *grabs Frodo*
Sam: HEY!! DON'T YOU DARE! *cuts off tentacle*
15 other tentacles: *appear*
Boromir and Aragorn: *cut off other tentacles*
Legolas: *shoots it*
Aragorn: *cuts off tentacle Frodo is on*
Boromir: *catches him*
Everyone: *goes back into the mines*
Creature: I HATE YOU *destroys the doors*
Gandalf: Great *turns on light in his staff* Now we HAVE to go through the mines
The mines
Fellowship: *is climbing a staircase too big for the Hobbits*
Gandalf: *comes to a intersection* Uhhhh..where am I?
Later
Pippin: I'M HUNGRY
Frodo: *sees something* OMG GANDALF THERE'S SOMETHING OUT THERE
Gandalf: Ah it's just Gollum. Of course he still wants the Ring
Frodo: I just love that everything's after me. BILBO SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM DANGIT!
Gandalf: He may be a major plot point!
Frodo: WAAAAAAAH I WISH NONE OF THIS RING STUFF EVER HAPPENED
Gandalf: Cheer up emo Hobbit! Everything happens for a reason..so just go along with life! Also, we're supposed to go this way. It smells better
Battle
Gandalf: More light! Behold! The epic city of Dwarrowdelf!
Sam: *drools*
Gimli: *sees a room* But...!
Room: *has a tomb with a shaft of light on it*
Gandalf: *reading runes on the tomb* Balin is DEAD. Note to anyone else down here: GET OUT
Gimli: *sobs*
Gandalf: *finds a book that a skeleton is holding*
Legolas: Can we go now? It's dirty and I need a bath
Gandalf: *reading* OMG THEY TOOK THE BRIDGE..AND THE SECOND HALL...AHHHH THE DRUMS NOOOOOO. The ground..IS SHAKING. WE'RE DOOMED
Pippin: *messes with a skeleton and it falls into a well*
Skeleton with bucket, etc: *makes a lot of noise*
Gandalf: YOU STUPID HOBBIT
Drums: *can be heard*
Frodo's sword: *glows blue*
Legolas: ORCS!
Aragorn: Wow, what a keen assesment!
Boromir: *goes to the doors and almost gets hit by two arrows in the process* Ahh they have a cave troll!
Aragorn and Boromir: *bar the doors*
Gimli: C'MON YOU BEASTS! THERE'S STILL A DWARF DOWN HERE THAT LIVES! COME ON AND TRY ME!
Aragorn and Legolas: *shoot Orcs that are trying to break open the doors*
Orcs: *break open the doors*
Fighting: *ensues*
Cave troll: *comes in the room and smashes stuff*
Gimli: RAAAAAH HEY YOU!
Cave troll: *smashes Balin's tomb*
Gimli: HEY!! Oh now you've just made a Dwarf very angry
Cave troll: *tries to kill Legolas instead with his chain*
Chain: *gets caught around a pillar*
Legolas: Hey nice! *prances down the chain and shoots his head*
Sam: *hits the Orcs with his frying pan* See! I don't even need a sword!
Cave troll: *now tries to smash Merry, Pippin, and Frodo*
Frodo *tries to evade the cave troll by moving around a pillar*
Cave troll: *grabs his foot*
Frodo: WHY ARE THESE THINGS ALWAYS AFTER ME??? *cuts it with his sword*
Aragorn: RAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Cave troll: *smashes him into a wall*
Frodo: Greaaaaaat *gets stabbed by the spear the cave troll is holding*
Everyone: *gasp*
Frodo: *takes 2 minutes before falling down*
Legolas: *kills the cave troll with a well placed arrow*
Aragorn: OMG Frodo nooooo
Frodo: Owwwww
Sam: OMG HE LIVES
Frodo: *shows them his mithril shirt* So either way we went was bad for me?
Gandalf: No time to reflect! More Orcs are coming! TO THE BRIDGE OF THINNESS!
The Bridge of Thinness and crumbling stairs
Shaft of light on Balin's now destroyed tomb: *was placed SO well even after originating from high above*
Fellowship: *runs but gets surrounded by Orcs*
Gimli: COME AND GET ME!!
In the distance: *is a roar*
Orcs: RUN AWAY!
Boromir: What NOW?
Gandalf: A Balrog so run if you don't wanna die!
Fellowship: *comes to a smallish gap in the stairs*
Legolas: *jumps across first* Wheee!
Gandalf: *jumps across next*
Boromir: *picks up Merry and Pippin and jumps across*
More of the stairs: *crumbles into the abyss*
Aragorn: *throws Sam across*
Gimli: NO ONE MAY DARE TOSS ME! I'M A MIGHTY DWARF! *leaps to the other side and almost falls*
Legolas: *catches him by his beard*
Gimli: OWWWWWWWWW STUPID ELF!
More of the stairs: *break off*
Part of the roof: *breaks off and falls onto the stairs, leaving Frodo and Aragorn trapped*
Frodo: I am having SUCH A BAD DAY!!!
Stairs: *wobble*
Aragorn: We'll RIDE the stairs! LEAN FORWARD! WHOOO STAIR SURFING!
Aragorn and Frodo: *reach the other side*
Balrog: *emerges*
The Bridge of Khazad-dum: *appears*
Sam: *gulps*
Merry: Think of anything besides the high bridge of thinness with a huge abyss, think of anything..
Everyone but Gandalf: *crosses the bridge*
Gandalf: *stands in the middle of the bridge* Fire dude! Go away!
Balrog: *has a firey sword*
Gandalf: OH YEAH??? WELL I HAVE SECRET FIRE! ARISE MAGIC SHIELD OF SHINY LIGHT! *blocks the balrog's sword*
Balrog: OHHHH YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME?
Gandalf: GO INTO THE ABYSS! *slams his staff on the bridge*
Balrog: *has a firey whip..tries to step forward but the bridge breaks*
Gandalf: AND STAY THERE!
Balrog: *flicks his whip and trips Gandalf*
Gandalf: *tries to pull himself up but can't* Uh guys..STOP STANDING THERE AND GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU DIE! *lets go*
Frodo: GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANDAAAAAAAAAAAAAALFFFFFFF!!
Fellowship: *finally emerges from the Mines*
Most everyone: *cries*
Aragorn: Legolas! Help get them up, we must leave
Pippin: Can't we just cry into the snow instead?
Aragorn: We must get to Lothorien!
Lothlorien
Fellowship of 8: *enters Lothlorien*
Gimili: An EVIL elf sorceress lives here. She poisons people's minds!
Elf sorceress: Frooooodoooo....
Frodo: OMG
Elf sorceress: Yooooou briiiiing eeeeeeeviiiil footsteps here...NOW WE HAVE TO SWEEP THEM DANGIT!
Frodo: Um..guys? I think I'm becoming schizophrenic..?
Gimli: Ha! She'll never ensare me! I HAVE GREAT HEARING AND SEEING SKILLS
Arrows: *point at him*
Haldir: And you breathe too loud!
Aragorn (in Elvish): Please help us..we've had a really bad day
Haldir: Come and meet..THE LADY OF THE WOOD!
Meeting
Celeborn: Um...where's Gandalf?
Galadriel: *reads Aragorn's mind* He has fallen! *goes and reads everyone else's minds* Well..if you make ONE LIIIIITTTLE mistake the world is doomed. But tonight you'll sleep in peace!
Ahhh the White City
Elves: *are singing*
Merry: What are they saying?
Legolas: Sorry, I'm too grieved to tell you
Aragorn: You should get some sleep, Boromir!
Boromir: SHE WAS INSIDE MY HEAD! She said there's hope for Gondor. My father is a way noble man! Yes! I WANNA SEE THE GLORY OF GONDOR RESTORED! The White Tower is epic and has pretty, pretty banners flowing in the wind. It's SO epic to see this and hear trumpets welcoming you home *sighs*
Aragorn: I saw it..long ago
Boromir: ONE DAY WE'LL RETURN IN GLORY TOGETHER! IT'LL BE EPIC!
The mirror of scaryness
Galdariel: *walks down to the mirror*
Frodo: *follows*
Galadriel: *fills a pitcher up with water* Will you look into the
Frodo: Why? What will I see? I've already had a bad day, thanks
Galadriel: *pours the water into the mirror* Things that ARE, things that WERE, things that haven't happened yet
Frodo: ...
Galadriel: LOOK ALREADY
Frodo: Ok already! *looks and sees some of the fellowship, the Shire ravaged...and Sauron's eye*
Sauron's eye: COME TO ME COME TO ME!!
Ring: DADDY!
Frodo: AAAAAH I HATE YOU!
Galadriel: *to Frodo telepathically* THAT'LL HAPPEN IF YOU FAIL. The Ring will destroy the fellowship
Frodo (telepathically): Then YOU take it. You're creepy enough to destroy it
Galadriel (not telepathically): *gasp* Really? Oooohh *rubs hands together evily* WAAAAAAAAHAHAAAAAAAAAA INSTEAD OF SAURON RULING I SHALL RULE! QUEEN OF THE DARKNESSSSSS. EXCEPT I'LL BE BEAUTIFUL! EVEN THE DAWN WILL THINK I'M TERRIBLE! YAY FOR BEING TERRIBLE! I WILL RAGE LIKE THE SEA AND EVEN BE STRONGER THAN THE EARTH!! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAaaa...no
Frodo: WTH?
Galadriel: Man! Now I'll have to diminish to the west
Frodo: But I can't do this alone! I'M AFRAID, MAN!
Galadriel: YOU'RE FURRY AND CUTE AND CAN CHANGE THE WORLD!
Saruman and the Uruk-Hai
Lurtz: *is a beautiful Uruk dripping with..we don't wanna know. But he has just gorgeous green eyes!*
Saruman: Do you know how the orcs first came into being?
Lurtz: N--
Saruman: THAT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION! *ahem* They used to be Elves...BUT THEY WERE TAKEN BY EEEEEVIL AND TORTURED AND MUTILATED! NOW I PERFECTED YOU MUWAAAAAAHAHAHAAAA. WHOM do you serve?
Lurtz: SAURUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN
Saruman: That was so manly
Saruman is talking to other Uruk-Hai..
Saruman: Hunt them down! Don't stop till they're found! Even to go to the bathroom! THEN YOU'LL TASTE MAN FLESH! But until then, enjoy your moldy bread!
Uruk-Hai: WHOOOOOOOO
Saruman: *to Lurtz* One of the Hobbits carries something shiny and of GREAT value. Bring me the Hobbits, but don't eat them!
Boats
Fellowship of 8: *departs Lothlorien in boats*
Galadriel: Frodo! I gave the others gifts too but you have to watch the extended version for that! I give you Earendil..its epic light will protect you when all other lights go out!
FO8: *goes down the river*
Uruk-Hai: *are running down one side of the river*
Aragorn: OMG FRODO LOOK THE ARAGORNATH. THE KINGS OF OLD! MY KIN! IT HAS MY NAME IN IT!
Statues: *are huge*
FO8: *embarks on the riverbank*
Aragorn: We're gonna cross the river at nightfall, hide the boats, then continue on foot and approach Mordor from the north. Kay?
Gimli: Oh yeah? You think we can get through Emyn Muil? It has RAZOR SHARP ROCKS and festering, smelly, gross mashes!
Aragorn: And you should recover strength, otherwise we'll leave you behind in the marshes
Gimli: OH YOU LITTLE--grrr
Legolas: We should leave now! A SHADOW AND A THREAT GROW IN MY MIND AHHHHHHHH
Aragorn: ...
Gimli: HE TOLD ME TO RECOVER MY STRENGTH! Don't pay attention to me! I'M JUST A WEAK LITTLE DWARF WHO NEEDS TO RECOVER HIS STRENGTH!
Merry: Uhh where's Frodo?
Aragorn: *sees Boromir isn't there as well* Uh oh
Crazyyyy Boromir
Frodo: *walks in the forest*
Statue head: Hey! You! Can you find my body? PLEASE HAVE MERCY!
Boromir: *is gathering firewood* You shouldn't wander alone! But it works for me anyway! I KNOW WHY YOU SEEK SOLITUDE
Frodo: Um..dude?
Boromir: You suffer, you suffer NEEDLESSLY. Take other paths!
Frodo: You know that sounds like wisdom except that my mind is warning me againt your creepiness
Boromir: WE'RE ALL AFRAID! IT'S MADNESS, MADNESS I SAY!
Frodo: Um yeah. I think I'll leave now
Boromir: DON'T RECOIL FROM ME! I LOVE GONDOR! I LOVE HAPPINESS! I LOVE---EAAAA GIVE ME THE RINGGGGGG!
Frodo: How about NOT?
Boromir: Oh yeah? THEY'RE GONNA FIND YOU AND TAKE THE RING AND SMASH YOU INTO TINY PIECES! I'LL BE GLAD WHEN YOU'LL BEG FOR YOUR DEATH! THIS RING SHOULD HAVE BEEN MINEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! GIVE IT TO MEEEEEE! *pounces on Frodo*
Frodo: *puts on the Ring and dissapears*
Boromir: HEY!
Frodo: *kicks him*
Boromir: Ohhh I know your mind! YOU'LL TAKE THE RING TO SAURON! YOU'LL KILL US ALL! I HATE YOUUUUUUU!!! *falls over*
Boromir: ...oh I'm so gonna be in trouble with Aragorn when he hears about this. WAAAAH FRODO I'M SORRY! I DIDN'T MEAAAAN IIIIT!
Frodo: *runs to the Seat of Seeing*
Sauron's eye: RAAAAAAH!
Frodo: *takes off the ring and falls off the structure* Why am I ALWAYS falling?
Aragorn: Frodo!
Frodo: BOROMIR IS INSANE!
Aragorn: *evil voice* Where is the Ringggg?
Frodo: AHHHH NOT YOU TOO!
Aragorn: Wait wait! I swore to protect you!
Frodo: Well..would you destroy it?
Aragorn: *puts his hand over the Ring*
Ring: Arrrraaaagoooorrrrrn...Elessssaaaaaar...you know you want toooooo
Aragorn: *closes Frodo's hand over the Ring*
Ring: HEY!
Aragorn: I would have followed you..to the very fires of Mordor!
Frodo: *bawls* Please tell Sam I love him!
Sting: *is glowing*
Aragorn: Run Frodo! *goes to confront the Uruk-Hai*
Battle
Aragorn: *kills a bunch of Uruk-Hai*
Legolas and Gimli: *joins him*
Aragorn: Well ABOUT TIME!
Legolas: Sorry, I had to brush my hair. Not going into battle looking unkempt!
Gimli: *makes sure to hit at least one Urik-Hai in the crotch*
Merry: Hey Frodo! Hide here with Pippin and I!
Frodo: *shakes his head*
Pippin: He's gonna leave without us! *jumps up from his hiding place*
Urik-Hai: Look! A Hobbit!
Merry: Go Frodo! AHHH YOU KNOW YOU WANT US! COME AND GET US!
Merry and Pippin: *lead the Uruk-Hai away from Frodo*
Pippin: It's working!
Merry: Yeah A LITTLE TOO WELL! So much we're trapped!
Urik-Hai: *prepares to strike them*
Boromir: Nooooooooo! *blocks his sword just in time and fights others*
Legolas and Aragorn: *hears the horn of Gondor*
Aragorn: Boromir!! Fight faster! We must help him!!
A bunch of Urik-Hai: *come to fight Boromir*
Boromir: Uh oh. I think blowing the horn was a bad idea nowww!
Lurtz: *shoots Boromir with an arrow*
Boromir: OW! HEY! Well I'm still gonna fight more so there!
Lurtz: *shoots him again*
Boromir: *falls to his knees and sees the two Hobbits* I CAN STILL PROTECT YOOOOOU *kills more*
Lurtz: UADHFGJKFD%$@&* STUPID HUMANS! *shoots him again*
Boromir: Owww..anyone have any morphine?
Merry and Pippin: RAAAAA! WE WILL AVENGE YOOOOU! *get captured by the Urik-Hai*
Pippin: Boromiiiiir!
Lurtz: *walks up to Boromir and prepares to shoot him again*
Aragorn: NOOOOOOOO!! *crashes into him and his arrow goes somewhere else*
Lurtz: OMG HUMANS ARE SO ANNOYING!
Aragorn: Yeah? Well this should solve your problems *cuts off his head* *runs to Boromir*
Boromir: They took Merry and Pippin! And I tried to take the Ring from Frodo! I FAIL AT LIFE
Aragorn: No! You fought bravely! You have regained your honor
Boromir: MEN WILL FALL! AND LIGHT! AND GONDOR!
Aragorn: NEVER. As long as I'm alive I swear I won't let the White City fall, or the people. Oh great this means I have to be king now right?
Boromir: And I would have followed! My brother..my captain..my king! *dies*
Aragorn: Awww..now he won't be called home by the trumpets and epic banners
Frodo and Sam continue
Sam: FRODOOOO? Where are yooou?
Frodo: *is at the boats and is crying* I suppose I must leave now
Sam: FRODO NO WAIT FOR ME!!
Frodo: I'm sorry! I must go alone!
Sam: THEN YOU'LL GO ALONE WITH ME!! *tries to swim to the boat but sinks*
Frodo: SAM!!! *pulls him out of the water*
Sam: I PROMISED NEVER TO LEAVE YOU!
Frodo: Yeah some company would be nice. Let's go then
Boromir's body in a boat: *goes over a waterfall*
Aragorn: *puts on Boromir's gauntlets*
Legolas: Come on already! Frodo and Sam have already reached the other side!
Aragorn: And leave Merry and Pippin to be tortured by the Urik-Hai? No way! LET'S GO HUNTING!
Gimli: Whooo! Yeah!!
Frodo and Sam: *see Mordor from a distance*
Frodo: Ok Sam? NOW I'm glad you're with me. I wish I could see the others again though
Sam: We may. First, let's destroy that Ring!
Ring: HEY!
Part 1: Fin!
Today's Latin: candor dat viribus alas (sincerity gives wings to strength)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-11-08 01:25 pm (UTC)Good luck with all of your essays!
Lines I LOVEE! Pt. 1
Date: 2007-11-12 05:32 pm (UTC)--Frodo: OMG! *runs to meet him* YOU ARE SO LATE! I BAKED YOU COOKIES AND NOW THEY'RE COLD!
Gandalf: I COME AND GO WHEN I WANT!
-Children: OMG FIREWORKS PLEASE WE'RE PYRO HOBBIT CHILDREN!
-Gandalf: *Is smoking. Again*
-Gandalf: *drives up to Bilbo's house*
Sign on Bilbo's gate: I HATE YOU. GO AWAY
Gandalf: *knocks on his door*
Bilbo: NO I DON'T WANNA BE CONVERTED TO MORMONISM!
-Gandalf and Bilbo: *are smoking*
Bilbo: This is the best weed eva, yo
Gandalf: *blows a smoke ship*
Bilbo: Duuuuuude
-Bilbo: But I hate public speaking!
People: SPEEEEEECH
Bilbo: I THOUGHT I WOULD BE DONE WITH THIS IN SCHOOL! I HATE YOU ALL! *dissapears*
Cake: *catches on fire*
Crowd: OH NOES!
Bilbo: *inside his house now* OH MY SHINY RING I LOVE YOU!
Ring: Ooo rawr
-Gandalf: *puts his hand over the Ring*
Ring: DON'T TOUCH ME
Gandalf: *sees the Eye of Sauron and goes to brood by the fire. While smoking*
Frodo: *comes in and sees the Ring* Oooh shiny
The Ring: *purrs at him*
-Isildur: I AM THE KING OF GONDOR AND I HAVE A SHINY RING MUAHTREHJBHG!! Though the writing on the band faded and only fire can show it. I somehow know this. Yes
A Ringwraith: *comes to the Shire*
Guy chopping wood: I THOUGHT THE GOTHIC LOOK WENT OUT OF STYLE!
Ringwraith: TELL ME WHERE BAGGINS IS OR I'LL SNIFF YOU TO DEATH!
-Writing: I HATE ELVES! WHY AM I WRITING THIS IN ELVISH? Danger: This Ring will cause the death of thousands. Keep out of reach of small children
-Gandalf: *rides to Isengard*
Saruman: MY OLD FRIEND!
Gandalf: *tells Saruman of the Ring*
Saruman: *gasp*
Gandalf: And all this time it was in the Shire!
Saruman: Have you been smoking too much weed?
Gandalf: WE NEED TO COUNTER SAURON!
-Ferry: *has started floating away from the dock*
Frodo: *makes the best, biggest jump in Hobbit history*
-Bartender: *thinks* OH Gandalf! I haven't seen him in six months
Frodo: OMG WE'RE GONNA DIE
Drinking at a table..
Frodo: WE'RE GONNA DIE WE'RE GONNA DIE OMG
Pippin: LOOK A PINT! Hangover time here I come!
Merry: I'M GONNA GET ONE TOO!
Sam: That guy in the corner has been staring at you since we arrived
Frodo: EW
Bartender: That's Strider! He likes to wander in the wild and write emo poetry
Pt. 2
Date: 2007-11-12 05:33 pm (UTC)Frodo: Who are they and why do they scream so girly?
-Strider: TO RIVENDELL YOU IDIOT! You can be distracted by Elrond's eyebrows instead of bothering me!
-Saruman: *is using nicely manicured fingernails to summon Sauron over the Palantir*
Sauron: You GOT YOUR NAILS DONE?? Why did I hire you again? Ugh, just build me an army already
-Strider: *gives them swords*
Frodo: And we have any idea how to use these..?
Strider: Whatever. I'm gonna go brood or something
-Isengard: *is barren*
Holes: *are very deep*
Orcs: *are making weapons and making creatures out of mud*
Gandalf: *YAWN* This is so--OMG A MOTH!
-Strider: He'll soon become a Ringwraith! Do you know what Athelas is?
Sam: Can I smoke it?
Strider: *rolls eyes* Does KINGSFOIL help you any?
-Shiny elf girl: *rides up to Frodo* I AM ARWEN AND I'M SPEAKING TO YOU IN ELVISH EVEN THOUGH YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND IT! COME BACK TO THE LIIIIIGHT..SHIIINY
Frodo: Uyuftde
Arwen: WE MUST GET HIM TO MY FATHER!
Strider: (In Elvish) Then can you look after the Hobbits while I go?
Arwen: NUH UH MISTER! I'm going!
Strider: But it's dangerous!
Arwen: (In English) Then I'll show those Ringwraiths what I can do! ONWARD HORSIE!
Ringwraiths: *chase her*
Ringwraith #4: *tries to touch Frodo*
Arwen: FASTER HORSIE!
Branch: *cuts Arwen's cheek*
Arwen: *crosses the river*
Ringwraiths: WATER OH NOES!
Ringwraith #2: GIVE US THE SHORT GUY! I'LL GIVE YOU A COOKIE!
-Arwen: NOOOOO PLEASE LIVE! POWER OF THE SHINYNESS SAVE HIM!
-Rivendell - Home of Elrond's Eyebrows
Frodo: Ahgghhh where am I?
Gandalf: The House of Elrond's Eyebrows!
-Frodo: Uhhh Gandalf?
Gandalf: Uh what? Have I been smoking too much again?
Sam: OMG FRODO YOU'RE AWAKE!
Gandalf: He's hardly left your side! And thanks to Elrond you're beginning to heal!
Elrond: Welcome!
Frodo: *stares at his eyebrows*
-Frodo: Hey! I thought you wanted to see the Elves!
Sam: BUT THEY HAVE DISTRACTING EYEBROWS!
-Legolas: *arrives* OMG I used THREE bottles of my finest shampoo on this journey! UGH THE WORLD IS SO DIRTY! This had better be good
-Boromir: *picks up part of Narsil and cuts his finger trying to see how sharp it is* STILL SHARPE STILL SHARPE WHOOOOO
Pt. 3
Date: 2007-11-12 05:33 pm (UTC)Silence: *is awkward*
-Aragorn: I'll protect you with my sword!
Legolas: And my bow! BUT DON'T TOUCH MY HAIR
-Elrond: Nine of you. YOU SHALL BE THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING! Now get out of here before my eyebrows melt off my face
Pippin: Ooooh! Where are we going?
Elrond: *facepalms*
-Scary Bilbo
Bilbo: Here, have my sword! It's shiny and glows blue when Orcs are near! Oh and have my mithril vest too! It's as hard as dragon scales! Put it on so I can see how epic you look!
Frodo: *starts unbuttoning his shirt*
Bilbo: *sees the Ring hanging around his neck* RAAAAA IT'S MY RINGGGGGG!!! I WANT I WANT!...oh darn! I was so far in therapy too!
-Boromir: *picks up the chain the Ring is on*
Aragorn: Uh Boromir?
Boromir: Shiiiiiiny..
Aragorn: *taps foot* Boromiiiiir..
Boromir: It's so small and cute *tries to touch it*
Ring: Oh baby, this is one of the best days ever
Aragorn: BOROMIR!!!
Boromir: WHAT?! CAN'T YOU SEE I'M BUSY HERE!
Aragorn: GIVE THE RING BACK TO FRODO YOU IDIOT!
Boromir and the Ring: *sighs*
-Frodo: I just love that everything's after me. BILBO SHOULD HAVE KILLED HIM DANGIT!
Gandalf: He may be a major plot point!
Frodo: WAAAAAAAH I WISH NONE OF THIS RING STUFF EVER HAPPENED
Gandalf: Cheer up emo Hobbit! Everything happens for a reason..so just go along with life! Also, we're supposed to go this way. It smells better
-Legolas: Can we go now? It's dirty and I need a bath
-Frodo's sword: *glows blue*
Legolas: ORCS!
Aragorn: Wow, what a keen assesment!
-Part of the roof: *breaks off and falls onto the stairs, leaving Frodo and Aragorn trapped*
Frodo: I am having SUCH A BAD DAY!!!
Stairs: *wobble*
Aragorn: We'll RIDE the stairs! LEAN FORWARD! WHOOO STAIR SURFING!
Aragorn and Frodo: *reach the other side*
Balrog: *emerges*
The Bridge of Khazad-dum: *appears*
Sam: *gulps*
Merry: Think of anything besides the high bridge of thinness with a huge abyss, think of anything..
-Elf sorceress: Yooooou briiiiing eeeeeeeviiiil footsteps here...NOW WE HAVE TO SWEEP THEM DANGIT!
Frodo: Um..guys? I think I'm becoming schizophrenic..?
-Galadriel: *reads Aragorn's mind* He has fallen! *goes and reads everyone else's minds* Well..if you make ONE LIIIIITTTLE mistake the world is doomed. But tonight you'll sleep in peace!
Pt. 4
Date: 2007-11-12 05:34 pm (UTC)Frodo: Why? What will I see? I've already had a bad day, thanks
Galadriel: *pours the water into the mirror* Things that ARE, things that WERE, things that haven't happened yet
Frodo: ...
Galadriel: LOOK ALREADY
Frodo: Ok already! *looks and sees some of the fellowship, the Shire ravaged...and Sauron's eye*
Sauron's eye: COME TO ME COME TO ME!!
Ring: DADDY!
Frodo: AAAAAH I HATE YOU!
Galadriel: *to Frodo telepathically* THAT'LL HAPPEN IF YOU FAIL. The Ring will destroy the fellowship
Frodo (telepathically): Then YOU take it. You're creepy enough to destroy it
Galadriel (not telepathically): *gasp* Really? Oooohh *rubs hands together evily* WAAAAAAAAHAHAAAAAAAAAA INSTEAD OF SAURON RULING I SHALL RULE! QUEEN OF THE DARKNESSSSSS. EXCEPT I'LL BE BEAUTIFUL! EVEN THE DAWN WILL THINK I'M TERRIBLE! YAY FOR BEING TERRIBLE! I WILL RAGE LIKE THE SEA AND EVEN BE STRONGER THAN THE EARTH!! ALL SHALL LOVE ME AND DESPAIR! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAaaa...no
Frodo: WTH?
Galadriel: Man! Now I'll have to diminish to the west
Frodo: But I can't do this alone! I'M AFRAID, MAN!
Galadriel: YOU'RE FURRY AND CUTE AND CAN CHANGE THE WORLD!
-Lurtz: *is a beautiful Uruk dripping with..we don't wanna know. But he has just gorgeous green eyes!*
-Lurtz: SAURUMAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN
Saruman: That was so manly
Saruman is talking to other Uruk-Hai..
Saruman: Hunt them down! Don't stop till they're found! Even to go to the bathroom! THEN YOU'LL TASTE MAN FLESH! But until then, enjoy your moldy bread!
-Galadriel: Frodo! I gave the others gifts too but you have to watch the extended version for that! I give you Earendil..its epic light will protect you when all other lights go out!
-Frodo: *walks in the forest*
Statue head: Hey! You! Can you find my body? PLEASE HAVE MERCY!
Boromir: *is gathering firewood* You shouldn't wander alone! But it works for me anyway! I KNOW WHY YOU SEEK SOLITUDE
Frodo: Um..dude?
Boromir: You suffer, you suffer NEEDLESSLY. Take other paths!
Frodo: You know that sounds like wisdom except that my mind is warning me againt your creepiness
Boromir: WE'RE ALL AFRAID! IT'S MADNESS, MADNESS I SAY!
Frodo: Um yeah. I think I'll leave now
-Aragorn: *kills a bunch of Uruk-Hai*
Legolas and Gimli: *joins him*
Aragorn: Well ABOUT TIME!
Legolas: Sorry, I had to brush my hair. Not going into battle looking unkempt!
-Lurtz: OMG HUMANS ARE SO ANNOYING!
Aragorn: Yeah? Well this should solve your problems *cuts off his head* *runs to Boromir*
-Frodo and Sam: *see Mordor from a distance*
Frodo: Ok Sam? NOW I'm glad you're with me. I wish I could see the others again though
Sam: We may. First, let's destroy that Ring!
Ring: HEY!
That was SOOOOOOO creative!!!!! GOOD JOB HEATHER!