The Mummy parody
Jul. 18th, 2007 10:21 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
glacier_kittyHaha I finally finished my parody of The Mummy..I shall post it here. Also yesterday I bought "Elliptica" by Sonata Arctica and the Cutthroat Island soundtrack. And since mom's going to Alaska we went to Mi Patio to say bye to Jamie..I got a pic with him too
Thebes - 2,134 years ago
Narrator guy: Thebes! It's awesome, man! It's the city of the living! IF YOU'RE DEAD STAY OUT! It's the crown jewel of Pharaoh Seti the First..NO TOUCHIE
Imhotep: Rawr
Narrator: Also keep away from Imhotep. Major male PMS. He's the keeper of the dead and has no hair on his body
Anck-Su-Namun: *has almost no clothes on..almost all her entire body is painted*
Narrator: NO ONE was allowed to touch Anck-Su-Namun besides the Pharaoh..man she sure dressed like she wanted every man in Egypt
Anck-Su-Namun: *goes through her bedroom curtains*
Priests painted gold: This isn't a bad sign! Let's stand and watch!
Imhotep: *sees her and drools all over himself*
Anck-Su-Namun and Imhotep: *make out*
Narrator: Behold! I am Imhotep..FEAR MY AWESOME NARRATING SKILLS!
Anck-Su-Namun: AHHH THE PHARAOH'S COMING!!
Pharaoh: *sees gold painted priests* Um, HELLO?? Why are ALL of you here? *pushes past them to Anck-Su-Namun*
Anck-Su-Namun: *smirks*
Pharaoh: *sees smeared paint* OMG WHO TOUCHED YOU?!!!
Anck-Su-Namun: You know I could have just scratched myself, right?
Imhotep: *pulls sword from Pharaoh's scabbard*
Pharaoh: HEY! THAT'S MINE!
Anck-Su-Namun: and Imhotep: *stab the Pharaoh*
*pounding on doors*
Priests: *grab Imhotep*
Anck-Su-Namun: Save yourself! And remember to resurrect me! I KILL MYSELF! *plunges dagger into her body*
Narrator Imhotep: Anck-Su-Namun's body was gonna be cursed *CRIES* IT'S ALL MY FAULT! And the worst part is I had to curse her! If only she didn't have that paint on her! I took her to this place and mummified her
Imhotep: *reads from the Book of the Living which really deals with death*
Narrator Imhotep: I also killed the slaves who buried Anck-Su-Namun cause I wanted her grave SECRET. And then I dug her up again. I was in love! Come on! There was also the Book of the Dead which brought people back to life! I went to the City of the Dead to get it. I tried to resurrect her but people came! WE WERE CONDEMED TO BE MUMMIFIED ALIVE!
Embalmers: *are doing painful things to Imhotep and his priests*
Imhotep: But for me..I had to endure the Hom-Dai, THE WORST CURSE EVAH. I'm the only person they ever used it on. Can I be in the Guinness Book of World Records now? I've always wanted to be famous
Imhotep: *gets his tongue cut out and is wrapped in mummy bandages alive* *thinking* AHHH I CAN'T BREATHEEEE!!!!
Embalmer guy: *dumps scarab beatles on Imhotep*
Narator Imhotep: I WAS EATEN ALIVE! SLOWLY! I was NEVER allowed to be released from my coffin OR PLAGUES WOULD RULE THE WORLD AND I WOULD BE INVINCIBLE! IF I COULD RESURRECT ANCK-SU-NAMUN WE'D BE UNSTOPPABLE! BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!
Hamunaptra - The City of the Dead - 1925
People: *are in a battle*
Rick: Oh what a wonderful day!
Beni: *is shaking*
Rick: You're with me right?
Beni: AHHHHH I DON'T WANNA DIE! *runs away*
Armies: *fire at each other*
Beni: *runs into a doorway*
Rick: Waaaait let me innn there's too many of them!
Beni: *closes door all the way*
Rick: YOU ARE SO NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE! *runs till he's at a dead end*
Guys: *point their guns at him*
Rick: Ohhh this is gonna be painful
Horses: *freak out*
Sand: *makes Imhotep's face*
Sand Imhotep: PLEAAAASE FREEEE MEEEEEE!! I STILL LOVE ANCK-SU-NAMUN!!! HAVE MERCY!!
Rick: AHHHHH!!! *runs away*
The WATCHERS
Creepy rider people: *watch Rick*
Rick: What is up with this place??
Ardeth Bay: TOO BAD THE DESERT WILL KILL YOU!
OMG THE LIBRARY
Evelyn (Evy): *is putting books back on the shelves* Tuthmosis? You're definitely in the wrong section! I'm going to reaaaach all the way behind me instead of just moving the ladder!
Ladder: *stands straight up*
Evy: Help...me...
Ladder: *crashes onto the bookshelf*
All the other bookshelves: *crash into each other*
Evy: That was AWESOME
Curator: OMG ALL THE PLAGUES OF EGYPT WERE A JOY COMPARED TO YOU!
Evy: ..yeah..tell that to me next time you're in a plague
Curator: Why do I even put up with you??
Evy: I CAN READ AND WRITE ANCIENT EGYPTIAN AND CAN PROPERLY CATELOUGE THIS LIBRARY SO THERE!
Curator: Your parents were better than you! Now clean up this mess!
Other room: *creepy noise*
Evy: Um..hello? Who's in here?
Mummy: *pops up and screeches*
Evy: AHHHHHHH!!!!
Johnathan: THAT WAS THE BEST JOKE EVER!
Evy: CAN'T YOU RESPECT THE DEAD??
Johnathan: Actually I'd rather join them
Evy: Well if you wanna ruin your career..
Johnathan: But my sweet sweet sister! My career is GREAT right now
Evy: What do you want now?
Johnathan: I have something to show you!
Evy: I swear if it's another useless trinket..
Johnathan: *shows her a cool box thing*
Evy: WHOA
Johnathan: I came across this in Thebes. Please tell me I've found something! I've never ever found something in my whole liiiiife!
Evy: *opens the box somehow..there's a map inside* You found something
Johnathan: YAAAAAAAY!!!
The curator's office
Evy: See this see this?! *points to map* This is the royal seal of Seti the First!!!
Curator: *bored* Uh huh
Johnathan: I dunno who this Seti guy is but as long as he's rich I don't care!
Evy: He was the wealthiest pharaoh of the old kingdom
Johnathan: I liiiiike this guy *rubs hands together greedily*
Evy: This map is almost 4000 years old and not falling apart in our hands! THIS MAP SHOWS THE CITY OF HAMUNAPTRA!
Curator: Whatever
Evy: It's the city of the dead where early pharaohs hid Egypt's wealth!
Johnathan: *drools*
Evy: The city vanished though
Johnathan: Dangit
Curator: I don't believe in fairy tales
Evy: Then why are you a curator?
Curator: *"accidentaly" catches the map on fire*
Evy and Johnathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Johnathan: YOU BURNED THE PART WITH THE LOST CITY! NOW I'LL NEVER BECOME RICH!
Curator: Now you won't waste your lives to find it
Prison of hot love
Evy: YOU STOLE THE BOX FROM THE CASBAH?? YOU SAID YOU FOUND THE BOX IN THEBES! YOU'RE A LIAR!
Johnathan: But I actually found something!
Evy: So why is this guy we're seeking in prison?
Warden: He was looking for a good time
Guards: *shove Rick outside*
Evy: We found your box..thingy..we need to ask you about it
Rick: No, you're asking me to tell you where Hamunaptra is
Evy: How..??
Rick: I found it there, lady!
Johnathan: *comes closer to the bars of the jail* And I bet you're lying!
Rick: *punches him* I'm already in jail, WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT OF LYING?? Idiot
Evy: *stepping over Johnathan and looking at Rick with big eyes* You were actually..AT Hamunaptra?!
Rick: Yes, lady!
Evy: OMG WHAT DID YOU SEE??
Rick: Sand..and more sand..oh and death too. Did I mention sand?
Evy: Tell me how to get there!!
Rick: Come closer
Evy: *comes closer*
Rick: *kisses her* Then get me outta hereeee!
Guards: *hit Rick and drag him away*
Evy: But..but..!
Warden: He's gonna be hanged! Ohhh I love a good hanging!
The gallows of almost death
Evy: OMG please save his life!! I'll give you 100 pounds!!
Warden: I'd PAY that much to see him hanged!
Evy: 200 pounds!
Warden: ...
Evy: 300 pounds!!!
Hangman: *snickers* Last words?
Rick: Yeah..how about you let me go so I can kiss Evy again?
Evy: OMG 500 POUNDS!!
Trapdoor: *falls open*
Warden: YAY his neck didn't break!
Evy: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!! He..he..he knows where Hamunaptra is!
Warden: LIAR
Evy: NEVER!
Warden: This..this..filthy, annoying PIG knows where Hamunaptra is?
Evy: I'll give you 25 percent if you let him go!
Warden: Ohhhhhh...cut him down!
Rick: *rasping* I love you, Evy
Port
Evy: I bet he won't show up!
Johnathan: He may act mean and punch random people, but I think he's a man of his word
Evy: Well I think he's filthy, rude, and obnoxious! I don't li--
Rick: *looking handsome* Hello!
Evy: Whoaaaa
Rick: Sorry about ahh..punching you
Johnathan: Ahhh don't worry about it! It happens all the time!
Evy: Don't remind me
Beni: Move, people, I wanna get to the city in this decade
Rick: *groans* Not him again..
Evy: I swear to you if this is some flimflam you'll pay!
Rick: ..I don't even know what that means. Look, my whole garrison marched without orders halfway across Libya and into Egypt, and there was lots of sand! Sand in my shoes, in my clothes, places you don't even wanna know about
Evy: ...
Johnathan: He is filthy
Warden: Hi peoples!
Evy: I have to sail with YOU?
Warden: I have to make sure you'll give me my money
Ship on the Nile River
Little boat: *glides towards the big ship with ninja-looking guys rowing it*
Johnathan: Play poker with us, Rick! I wanna be more rich!
Rick: I'd rather gamble with my life
Daniels: I bet $500 my boys and I will reach Hamunaptra before you!
Rick: Since I may have attacks on my life before then I'll take that bet
Burns: And you're so confident, why?
Henderson: I have someone here who's been there!
Johnathan: Hey! What a coincidence cause Rick--
Rick: *hits him with bag*
Johnathan: So! Who's turn to deal is it again?
Rawr
Evy: *is reading*
Rick: *throws his sack on the table*
Evy: HEY! Now I lost my place!
Rick: Sorry
Evy: You need to get some manners!
Rick: Sorry, I wasn't born in England
Evy: Ohhh you little--!
Rick: *opens bag..war stuff is inside*
Evy: ..did I miss something?
Rick: SAND. DEADLY SAND. WITH BLOOD
Evy: I'm just looking for a book! The Book of the Living which actually kills people! It made me love Egypt!
Rick: Do you even care it's made out of pure gold?
Evy: Ah..so you are smart. By the way..why did you kiss me?
Rick: I was about to be hanged..I wanted to enjoy something before I died
Evy: You--you--! *storms off*
Rick: Women..
What a pleasant reunion!
Rick: *hears snickering and grabs the person from their hiding place*
Beni: Hi my very good friend!
Rick: I think I'll kill you..so you're the one leading the Americans? I thought you were a big coward..I bet you'll leave them to rot in the desert
Beni: I wish, but Americans are smart..they've only paid me half, so I gotta go all the way. Why are you going back anyway? You never believed in it even though you've been there and there's SAND
Rick: *looks at Evy, who walks off when she sees him*
Beni: *rolls eyes*
Rick: *throws Beni over the side of the boat*
Beni: Hey!! What was that for? I'll kill you for this!!
Rick: *sees wet footprints on the deck* Uh oh
Attack!
Evy: *is reading a book and seems drunk* OMG it was just a kiss! *goes to the mirror, drops her book, amd when she stands back up she sees..*
Hook: GIMMIE THE MAP AND THE KEY!!
Rick: *kicks door open*
Evy: *grabs a candle and puts it on Hook's eye*
Bullet: *goes through a lamp causing a fire to start*
Rick and Evy: *run out of the room*
Evy: Wait we need the map!!
Rick: It's in my miiiind
Evy: WHAT IS IT WITH MEN AND DIRECTIONS??
Hook: *sees the key on the floor* MINE!
Johnathan: *kicks open door which knocks Hook into the fire* No, MINE
Hook: MIIIIINE!!! *is on fire*
Rick and some guy: *shoot at each other*
Rick: Can you swim??
Evy: Of course I can swim, I--hey, what are--PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!
Rick: *throws her overboard and jumps in after her*
Americans: *are shooting like crazy*
Johnathan: *rolls eyes*
Hook: RAAAAAAH!! *is really on fire*
Americans: *shoot him and he goes over the railing*
Johnathan: Good show, good show! Did I panic? *hold up key* I DID NOT! *falls over the railing from a fire explosion*
The riverbank
Evy: OMG all my stuff!! Gone, gone!!
Beni: HEY RICK!! I HAVE ALL THE HORSES THAT SOMEHOW DIDN'T DROWN!!
Rick: *in a sing-song voice* WELL IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE RIII-VERR!
Beni: I hate you
Trading place thingy
Johnathan: I only want four camels!! Not all of them, four!
Trader: ...
Johnathan: Oh WHATEVER *pays him* These are so expensive!
Rick: Well if you gave him Evy we would have got them for free
Evy: HEY!
Johnathan: That would have been tempting!
Evy: *appears wearing a tight dress*
Rick: *drooools*
Somewhere in the Sahara Desert
Johnathan: I HATE camels
Evy: Well I love anything relating to Egypt so I think they're awesome
Night in the desert
Johnathan: *is asleep*
Warden: *is asleep*
Evy: *is asleep*
Rick: ...am I the only one who has sense enough to stay awake??
Ardeth Bay: *watch them*
Rick: Dude! Don't you have anything better to do?
Race!
Rick: We're almost there!
Evy: *sees the same desert she has all this time* You sure about that?
Beni, with the Americans and others: My friend!
Henderson: $500 to whoever gets to the city first!
Sun: *rises*
Hamunaptra: *appears*
Everyone: *takes off*
Beni: *hits Rick*
Rick: *knocks Beni off his camel*
Evy: *gets to the city first* TAKE THAT YA BUNCH OF MEN!
Working at Hamunaptra
People: *clears stuff away*
Evy: *is dusting off a mirror and positions it*
Johnathan: *gets blinded by reflection* OW! Are you TRYING to torture me?
Evy: You must see the awesomeness of the ancient Egyptians!
Old chamber
Evy: OMG THIS IS SO AWESOME!! ANCIENT EGYPTIANS ACTUALLY WALKED HERE!!! OMGOMGOMG!
Johnathan: *facepalms* It just smells bad to me..*looks at the warden* Oh
Evy: *positsions mirror at a ray of light*
Light: *goes around the room bouncing off other mirrors*
Evy: This is a preparation room! An EGYPTIAN preparation room!
Rick: Preparation for what? Do I wanna know?
Evy: To go to the afterlife! I wish I could have seen it!
Rick: ...
Johnathan: This is where they made mummies! Now there's gotta be treasure here somewhere..
Let's crawl through old tunnels!
Cobwebs: *are everywhere*
Everyone: *hears a creepy noise*
Warden: OMG BUGS I HATE BUGS
Then they find..the Chamber of Anubis!
Noise: *is heard again*
Warden: *cowers in fear*
Rick: *cocks his gun and finds..*
The Americans: AHHH A MUMMY!! No wait..
Evy: *rolls eyes*
Daniels: This is OUR statue, PUNK
Rick: WE GOT HERE FIRST!
Everyone: *cocks guns*
Evy: OMG MEN! Let's find somewhere else to dig!
Johnathan: But..but..treasure..!
DON DON DON
Rick and Johnathan: *are trying to dig through the ceiling*
Evy: We should be under the statue of Anubis..WE'LL DIG RIGHT BETWEEN HIS LEGS!
Rick: *raises eyebrow*
Jonathan: I'll steal the treasure when those dirty Americans..no offense..are asleep!
Rick: Well I don't look clean do I?
Johnathan: *doesn't smell the bad smell anymore* We lost the warden
Evy and Rick: So?
Treasure?
Warden: *sees a wall with scarabs* OOO TREASURE!! *starts prying them out of the wall*
Back in the Chamber of Anubis
Henderson: *tries to break through a wall*
Egyptoligist: Really, an Egyptian pharaoh wan't THAT stupid
Diggers: *start to open it instead*
Back in the other chamber
Rick: *is still trying to dig through the ceiling* I do NOT wanna be mummified! I don't want a red-hot poker going up through my nose!
Evy: Well I'm gonna be mummified when I die!
Johnathan: *hits the ceiling with something and it collapses*
Sargophagus: *falls to the ground*
Back in the Chamber of Anubus..
Diggers: *get sprayed with acid*
Egyptologist: I TOLD you Seti wasn't stupid!
Henderson: *touches his face in amazement that it could have been him*
Whoa!
Evy: OMG IT'S A SARCOPHAGUS! ONE I NOT IN A MUSEUM I CAN ACTUALLY TOUCH!!
Johnathan: Thanks Captain Obvious
Evy: They buried him under Anubis..he must have been a bad, bad boy!
Back to the warden..
Warden: *still gathering scarabs* Eeee treasure! *accidentally drops one*
Shell: *breaks open*
Scarab: I'M FEASTING ON HUMAN TODAAAAAY! *crawls into his shoe*
Warden: AHHH BUGS!!!! *sees it inside of him* AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! MY SPLEEN!! MY BRAAAAAIIIN!!
More mummyness!
Evy: *reads the hierogyphics on the sarcophagus*
Hierogyphics: "He shall not be named CAUSE WE HATE HIM AND NEVER WANNA THINK ABOUT HIM AGAIN!"
Evy: DANGIT!
Rick: Hey there's some kinda lock here..they really did hate him
Evy: *GASP* THE KEY OPENS THIS SARCOPHAGUS! JOHNATHAN I LOVE YOU
She's about to open it when...
Warden: MY BRAAAAAAIN!!!!!!! *runs and slams into a wall*
Rick: ..oooook
Campfire time
Evy: What do you think killed the warden?
Johnathan: He ran into a stone wall!
Rick: Well did you hear the American's diggers were killed by pressurized salt acid?
Johnathan: *opens the warden's pouch and reaches inside* AHHH!
Evy: OH NOES!
Johnathan: *pulls out a bottle of liquor* LET'S GET DRUNK!
Rick: *hears horses coming* Stay here! These people like to stare at you
Evy: *runs after him*
Battle
Americans: *are fighting like crazy* YEEE HAW!
Ardeth Bay: *stares*
Rick: *knocks him off his horse*
Ardeth Bay: *stares more*
Rick: ...
Ardeth Bay: LEAVE THIS PLACE OR DIE! *gallops away with the survivors*
Johnathan: YOU JUST WANT THE TREASURE FOR YOURSELF!
Whee!
Evy: WE ARE LIKE SOOOO DRUNK MAAAAAN
Rick: *offers bottle to Evy again*
Evy: I CAN SAY NO *takes another sip*
Rick: Uh huh
Evy: I bet you're wondering..what's a place like Egypt doing in a girl like me? IT'S IN MY BLOOD MAAAAAN. My father married an Egyptian!
Rick: So why are you here?
Evy: HEY! I MAY NOT FIGHT WITH GUNS BUT I'M PROUD OF WHO I AM
Rick: Which is?
Evy: I...AM A LIBRARIAN
Rick: *looks at her weirdly*
Evy: And now..I am going to kiss you! *passes out instead*
Rick: Man!
Anubis' Chamber
Diggers: *bring out a chest*
Egyptologist: This chest..is cursed
Daniels: But it has treasure!
Egyptologist: *reads heirogyphics* OPEN THIS CHEST AND YOU WILL DIE! THIS TREASURE IS STILL OURS EVEN THOUGH WE'RE DEAD!
Diggers: *run away*
Egyptologist: *still reading* THE UNDEAD WILL COME BACK TO LIFE AND TAKE YOUR ORGANS. BRAAAAAAINNNNS!
Beni: *runs away*
Henderson: Does he always do that when there's danger? *kicks open the box*
Juicy mummy time
Evy: OMG I'VE DREAMED ABOUT DOING THIS SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
Rick: ..you dreamed about dead people?
Evy: EGYPTIAN dead people
Rick: ..are you still drunk?
Evy: Aw MAN! The sacred spells are chiseled off! He was cursed
Johnathan: Can we just see who's inside now?
Evy: *opens it*
Mummy: RAAAAAH! *pops out*
Rick: Are mummies supposed to look that juicy?
Mummy (Imhotep): *hasn't finished decaying and has a creepy expression*
Evy: He's still decaying and it's been 4000 years!
Rick: And he somehow wrote something on the coffin lid even though he was mummified..AHHHH! *holds nose tenderly*
Evy: He was obviously buried alive, idiot
Rick: He must have been amazing since he could break out of those mummy rappings and have fingernails strong enough to carve it
Evy: It says "Death is only the beginning. I SWEAR I WILL COME BACK FOR ANCK-SU-NAMUN!!!"
Anubis' Chamber
Egyptologist: *takes out the Book of the Dead from the chest* Now this is treasure
Daniels: But it's not made out of gold! *kicks the chest in anger*
Compartment: *opens*
Canopic jars: *are inside*
Daniels: TREASURE!!!
Night
Henderson: LOOK WHAT WE FOUND! *holds up canopic jar*
Evy: You know the mummifiers used those to put organs in?
Henderson: So?
Burns: We heard you found a juicy mummy! You should dry him out and use him for firewood!
Evy: *rolls eyes and shows them some scarab corpses* These were in the mummy's coffin. They just loooove human flesh and eat it for yearssss..slowly
Rick: I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANNA BE MUMMIFIED
Johnathan: I bet he made out with the pharaoh's daughter
Audience: OMG!
Evy: Well I think he suffered the Hom-Dai, A CURSE SO BAD NO ONE EVER WANTED TO USE IT! If this guy ever awakens HE WILL PLAUGUE THE WORLD!
Rick: Good thing we don't have to worry about that
Later at night
Evy: *sees the Egyptologist sleeping with a canopic jar and the Book of the Dead* And people call me obsessed *takes the Book*
Rick: What's that?
Evy: The Book of the Dead that's not falling apart in my hands even though it's like a billion years old!
Rick: You know the Egyptians weren't stupid..are you sure you should be messing around with it?
Evy: It's a BOOK. I won't unleash hell at all by reading out of it! *starts reading* "YOU ARE RELEASED FROM THE FIREY DEPTHS OF THE UNDERWORLD!!!"
Imhotep: *becomes alive* RAAAAAAAH!
Evy: "FIRE! PAIN! DISEASE! RUN PEOPLE RUN!"
Egyptologist: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YOU MUSN'T READ FROM THE BOOK!
Evy: But I was just getting into it!
Locusts: *appear*
Rick: I TOLD you it was a bad idea! RUN TO THE TEMPLE!
And in this labyrinth..where night is blind..
Burns: *gets knocked down*
Glasses: *get crushed*
Rick, Evy, Johnathan: *run into a room*
Scarabs: *come out of the ground*
Burns: *feels his way along the wall*
Shadow: *rushes past*
Burns: Ha ha, very funny guys
Imhotep: RAAAAAH!
Burns: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Rick, Evy, Johnathan: *jump to the side, avoiding the scarabs*
Evy: *leans back*
Wall: *opens and Evy dissapears inside*
Johnathan: OMG EVY'S GONE
Evy: That was rude! Stupid wall! *sees Burns* Hello?
Burns: *turns around..his eyes and tongue are gone*
Evy: *backs up and bumps into Imhotep*
Imhotep: Anck-Su-Namun!
Evy: Um, no I'm Evy! AND I CAN SPEAK YOUR LANGUAGE SO THERE!
Imhotep: ANCK-SU-NAMUN!!!!!!
Evy: *sighs*
Rick: *has found where Evy dissapeared but can't open it*
Henderson: RUUUUUN!!
Scarabs: *are chasing them*
Guy: *trips and gets eaten by the scarabs in like 5 seconds*
Rick: HEY! I thought they ate you slowly!
Imhotep: *steps closer to Evy*
Evy: Um..ew! If I'm thinking what you're thinking don't even try cause you're like 4000 years old
Imhotep: KADEESH PHAROS ANCK-SU-NAMUN!!!
Evy: Am I not speaking Egyptian?? I SAID MY NAME IS EVY
Rick: *comes running into the room and sees Evy staring* WILL YOU STOP PLAYING AROUND AND--WHOA!!
Imhotep: *in Egyptian* If you take Anck-Su-Namun away I'll kill you!
Rick: *shoots him and runs away with Evy and co*
*stares*
All run out of the room and find..
Ardeth Bay: *stares*
Rick: What do you want??
Ardeth Bay: YOU HAVE UNLEASHED THE CREATURE WE HAVE FEARD FOR LIKE A BILLION YEARS!
Rick: Actually that was Evy
Evy: HEY!
Rick: I killed him anyway
Ardeth Bay: HE CAN'T BE KILLED WITH MORTAL WEAPONS CAUSE HE'S AN ALIEN FROM OUTER SPACE!
Rick: ...
Beni and Imhotep
Beni: *backs into Imhotep* AHHHHHHH!!!
Imhotep: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you
Beni: *pulls out religous symbols from a necklace and says things in different languages..nothing seems to be working*
Beni: *pulls out the Star of David and says something in Hebrew*
Imhotep: *gasp* The language of slaves! Even though I hate slaves I'm gonna reward you! *shows him gold and a canopic jar* NOW FIND ME THE OTHERS AND I'LL SPARE YOU!
Some place
People: *show Burns to the others*
Henderson: OMG WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?
Ardeth Bay: Saved him, you idiots. If you don't want the creature to take body parts out of you then leave
Rick: I SAID I killed him!
Ardeth Bay: Then he'll most definitely come for you! He'll NEVER sleep, NEVER eat, NEVER go to the bathroom, NEVER stop until he fulfills the curse and raises Anck-Su-Namun from the dead
People: *leave the city*
Imhotep's hand: *breaks through the sand and yells*
People: *somehow don't hear it*
A hotel?
Rick: *starts packing* We are leaaaving
Evy: YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! We woke this guy up and the must be stopped!
Rick: We?? YOU READ THE BOOK! He can't be killed by mortal weapons anyway!
Evy: Then I'll find immortal weapons!
Rick: Well I'm leaving
Evy: But this guy could destroy the world!
Rick: Well you should have thought of that before you read the book! Not my problem anyway
Evy: Do you know what he said earlier?? He said he'd kill you if you took me away from him!
Rick: Lady, how was I supposed to know a mummy was gonna fall in love with you? I only agreed to bring you there and I did so contract terminated!
Evy: Oh you little--!
Rick: Either come with me or you can be stalked by this mummy guy
Evy: Bye bye Rick
Bar
Winston: *obviously drunk* I'm the last of the Royal Air Force here! I--*steps in a fountain* HEY! Someone spilled their drink! I WANT A CHALLENGE I'M WORTHY ENOUGH TO DO!
Rick: Here we go again
Winston: I WISH I DIED WITH THE OTHERS WITH GLORY INSTEAD OF SITTING HERE BEING BORED!
Henderson: At least you don't have a mummy after you!
Everyone: *spit out their drinks at once*
Drinks: *have turned to blood*
Rick: The mummy's here! *goes to find Evy* Oh Evyyy, we have problems!
Hail of fire: *rains down*
Burns: *tries to touch Imhotep*
Beni: NO TOUCHIE. Now Imhotep has to finish his work. Bye bye
Rick: *sees Beni run out of the room* HEY! What are you doing now you idiot?
Burns: *screams*
Beni: *runs away*
Inhotep: *has sucked all the juices out of Burns*
Rick, Evy, etc: *run into the room*
Imhotep: *is regenerating himself from what he took from Burns*
Rick: *shoots him*
Imhotep: AHAHAHA WHEEE! *throws Rick across the room and turns to Evy*
Evy: Ohhh here we go again
Imhotep: I SHALL MAKE YOU IMMORTAL! *leans in to kiss her*
Cat: Meow! *walks on piano keys, successfully playing Fur Elise*
Imhotep: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *turns into sand and goes through the window*
Meeting at the museum
Evy: We must have answers!
Ardeth Bay: *stares*
Rick and the Americans: *draw their guns*
Rick: WHY DO I KEEP RUNNING IN TO YOU?!
Curator: Well you'll never find out if you shoot us
Everyone: *gathers in the display of Seti the First and his chariot*
Curator: We are an ancient cult and have guarded the City of the Dead AND WE HAVE TRIED TO STOP IMHOTEP FROM BEING REBORN
Rick: By staring at us?
Ardeth Bay: WE FAILED CAUSE OF YOU!
Rick: AGAIN, Evy read from the book!
Evy: I'M NOT GONNA HAVE YOU PEOPLE KILL OTHER PEOPLE CAUSE OF ME!
Curator: Imhotep already has
Rick: Keep a cat around you, he's afraid of them!
Curator: When he's fully regenerated he'll fear nothing!
Daniels: HE'LL KILL EVERYONE WHO OPENED THE CHEST!
Rick: Then YOU keep cats around you
Curator: Then he'll try and ressurrect his love!
Evy: Anck-Su-Namun? He called me that earlier..and tried to kiss me
Curator: Have fun being a human sacrifice
Evy: WHAT?
Sun: *is going into an eclipse*
Back at the building place
Evy: Anyone have immortal weapons? WE MUST STOP HIS REGENERATION! Who opened the chest?
Henderson: Me, Daniels, Burns, the Egyptologist
Rick: What about Benni?
Henderson: He ran away
Rick: HA!
Evy: We must bring the Egyptologist here and 500 cats so he can be safe!
Rick: Evy, stay here..Burns, Henderson, come with me
Henderson: Uh WHAT? I'm staying right here thank you
Daniels: Me too!
Evy: I'M going. I'm the one who messed up!
Daniels: But you're a girl!
Evy: And I can also SPEAK HIS LANGUAGE
Rick: *picks up Evy, puts her in her room, and locks the door*
Evy: HEY!!! Oh you little--! OPEN THE DOOR THIS INSTANT!
Rick: Don't you dare let her out. Johnathan, you're coming with me
Henderson: *phew*
Scary alley
Egyptologist: I DON'T WANNA DIE I DON'T WANNA DIE *is holding the Book of the Dead and a canopic jar*
Imhotep: *is stalking him*
Oh the joy of friendship!
Beni: *is ransacking the Egyptologist's office*
Rick: Well isn't it my friend Beni! Are you spring cleaning? Well guess what? IT'S NOT SPRING *throws a chair at Beni who tries to run away*
Beni: Back! Head! Shoulder! RICK!
Rick: *lifts him up* So who's your friend?
Beni: You're my only friend!
Rick: HA!! WHY ARE YOU SERVING IMHOTEP?
Beni: I AM IMMUNE
Rick: IMMUNE FROM WHAT YOU IDIOT?
Beni: *says something in a different language*
Rick: *slams him onto a table* WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Beni: You keep hurting me so why should I tell you?
Rick: *holds him up to the moving fan*
Beni: AHHHH THE BLACK BOOK! We could have lots of diamonds from it you know
Rick: Why does he want it?
Beni: Uhhh..
Rick: *holds him closer to the fan*
Beni: AHHH HE WANTS TO BRING HIS GIRLFRIEND BACK TO LIFE! And Evy. Now take THIS! *hits him and leaps out the window*
Rick and Johnathan: *hear a scream*
Imhotep: *has taken the Egyptologist's fluids and has regenerated more* That'll teach you FROM STEALING MY GIRLFRIEND'S MUMMIFIED ORGANS! *opens his mouth wiiiide and tons of flies come out*
Uh oh
Daniels: OMG I'M SO BORED! I'm going to get a drink! Want anything?
Henderson: A glass of bourbon, a bourbon chaser, a shot of bourbon, a HUGE pitcher of bourbon, a--
Daniels: OK I GET YOUR POINT! *leaves*
Henderson: *takes out his canopic jar, places it in a chair, and takes out his gun like he's gonna shoot it*
Imhotep: MINE! *takes his fluids*
Ew
Imhotep: *walks over to Evy's door, finding it locked* Not a problem! *turns into sand and pours into her room through a keyhole*
Evy: *is sleeping*
Imhotep: *kisses Evy*
Evy: *opens her eyes and flails*
Rick: *forces the door open*
Imhotep: RAWR!!!
Rick: Oh yeah? Here's a nice cat for ya!
Imhotep: NOOOOOO!!! *turns into sand and goes out the window*
Evy: EW EWWWW MUMMY EWWWW *brushes teeth for an hour*
Museum
Evy: So..the Book of the Dead brings people to life
Curator: And the golden Book of the Living kills people!
Johnathan: Did you say golden?
Mob outside: IMMMMHOOOTEPPPP IMMMHOOOOTEPPPP!
Evy: I gotta translate this stone!
Mob: *pounds on the doors*
Rick: Hurry up, Evy!
Evy: Patience is a virtueee!
Rick: IT ISN'T IF YOU WANNA LIVE!
Evy: THE BOOK OF THE LIVING IS INSIDE THE STATUE OF HORUS! TAKE THAT, MISTER GUNFIGHTER!
Race through the mob
Johnathan: *goes to get the car*
Mob members: *come running after him*
Johnathan: *looking zombie-like* Imhooooteppppp Imhooootepppp
Mob members: IMHOTEP!! IMHOTEP!!
Johnathan: *phew* *gets the car and picks up the others*
Beni: OMG IMHOTEP!
Imhotep: RAAAAAAH!
Rick: I SWEAR YOU'LL BE PUNISHED FOR THIS, BENI!
Beni: Ooooh I'm soooo scared
Mob: *tries to get on the car*
Daniels: *gets yanked out*
Mob: Imhoooootepppp
Daniels: *shoots them till he has no bullets left*
Imhotep: *comes through the crowd*
Daniels: *takes out his canopic jar*
Imhotep: RAAAAAAAH!!!! *takes his fluids*
Car: *crashes and the mob surrounds Rick and co*
Imhotep: *appears there too*
Curator: He's fully regenerated!
Imhotep: Koontash dai na!
Beni: *translating* TAKE MY HAND SO I CAN KILL YOU TO RAISE MY DEAD GIRLFRIEND! Also, I'll spare the others
Evy: Dude..I CAN SPEAK EGYPTIAN. Why are you translating for me?
Imhotep: Keetah mi pharos, aja nilo, isirlan!
Beni: *ignoring Evy* YOU'RE MIIIIINE....FOREVAH
Evy: FOR ALL ETERNITY, you idiot
Beni: SAME DIFFERENCE
Evy: Please don't let him turn me into a mummy! At least not yet. You'll be the first one he comes after, Rick!
Rick: That's comforting
Imhotep: *rips the key out of Johnathan's shirt*
Johnathan: HEY! You could have asked first!
Evy: *takes Imhotep's hand and the crowd parts for them*
Imhotep: Pared oos!!
Evy: NOOOOOO!!!! YOU SAID YOU'D SPARE THEM!
Imhotep: They were spared for five minutes. PARED OOS!!
Beni: KILL THEM!
Rick: *opens a majorly convenient manhole and everybody but the curator jumps in*
Curator: I'LL FIGHT EVERY ONE OF YOU! I'LL--*dies*
Brave Winston
Rick: *explains his problem to Winston*
Winston: And that has..what to do with His Majesty's Royal Air Corp?
Rick: Absolutely nothing
Winston: YAY! Is it dangerous?
Rick: Well you'll probably die like practically everyone we've come across
Winston: AWESOME! Let's go!
Desert
Evy and Beni: *were transported there through Imhotep's sand appearance*
Evy: UGH!
Everyone: *hears a plane*
Winston: *is flying*
Rick: *has the gun, of course*
Johnathan: *is tied to the left wing*
Ardeth Bay: *is tied to the right wing*
Rick: *to Ardeth Bay* How are ya!
Ardeth Bay: THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME THING I'VE EVER DONE!
Rick: *to Johnathan* And how are you?
Johnathan: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Imhotep: *opens his mouth wide and makes a sand wall*
Winston: *sees the sand wall* OOOOOH AWESOME!
Rick: *sees Imhotep's face in the sand and shoots it*
Imhotep: OW! DARN YOU! *engulfs the plane*
Winston: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Evy: OMG STOP YOU'LL KILL THEM
Imhotep: *is too concentrated to listen*
Evy: FINE THEN! *kisses him*
Imhotep: Oooooh
Sandstorm: *is weakening*
Evy: *sees her plan is working but the plane crashes*
Imhotep: *glares*
Johnathan: AHHHHH HELP MEEEEEE!
Winston: *is dead*
Plane: *sinks into quicksand*
Johnathan, Rick, and Ardeth Bay: *start walking to Hamunaptra*
Hamunaptra
Rick: We gotta find Horus!
Evy: *stops and looks at where Imhotep took her to*
Beni: HEY! WHO TOLD YOU TO STOP?
Evy: YOU'LL GET YOUR COMEUPPANCE!
Beni: What?
Rick and Ardeth Bay: *are digging out a collapsed doorway*
Johnathan: *sees a scarab* OOO TREASURE!! *picks it up and it burrows into his skin* OMG HELP OMG!!
Rick: *takes out a knife and somehow gets the scarab out*
Scarab: HEY! I haven't eaten in 4000 years!
Rick: *shoots it*
Imhotep: *hears it*
Evy: YAAAAAY RICK!
Imhotep: *blows dust from a jar onto a wall*
Mummies: *come alive*
Imhotep: KILL THEMMM
Another chamber
Rick: *sees a shaft of light shining on a mirror..shoots the mirror and suddenly the whole room is lit up*
Chamber: *is full of treasure*
Johnathan: O....M....G
Mummies: *walk in*
Rick and Ardeth Bay: *shoot them*
Beni: *finds the chamber* Oooooh!!
Evy: *finds herself chained to a table..she looks to the side and sees..Anck-Su-Namun's mummified body* All of this trouble and killing over her..AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT! *sobs*
Rick and co: *run into the chamber of Horus*
Ardeth Bay: *blasts the mummies with dynamite*
Mummies: *surround the altar Evy's on and starts chanting*
Imhotep: *takes the Book of the Dead and starts reading it..a black shadow starts taking form*
Ardeth Bay: *is still fighting the mummies*
Johnathan: *pulls out the Book of the Living made out of gold from under the statue of Horus*
Rick: Whoa
Johnathan: *drools*
Ardeth Bay: STOP DROOLING AND GO SAVE EVY AND KILL THE CREATURE!
Greed
Beni: *is dragging treasure outside to take with him and ties it onto a camel and goes back for more*
Camel: I'm rich!
Back in the chamber
Imhotep: *is still reading from the Book*
Shadow thingy: *goes into Anck-Su-Namun's body*
Anck-Su-Namun: *groans*
Evy: MAN you have bad breath!
Imhotep: *raises a knife over Evy* I SHALL KILL YOU SO I CAN BE WITH MY LOVE AGAINNN!
Rick and Johnathan: *burst in*
Johnathan: Look, I found the Book of the Living!
Imhotep: OMG!
Evy: WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED AND GET ME OFF HERE??
Imhotep: *to his mummy warriors* AHEMU SETNA! (Kill them!)
Evy: Open the book and kill him already!
Rick: *fights the mummies*
Johnathan: It needs a key!
Evy: Read the inscription on the cover!
Johnathan: Ebarra im hatu Kashka..
Anck-Su-Namun and Evy: *get in a girl fight*
Evy: WILL YOU FINISH THE INSCRIPTION ON THE COVER ALREADY??
Johnathan: I can't read the last symbol!
Evy: WELL WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE??
Johnathan: A stork thingy!
Anck-Su-Namun: *starts to strangle Evy*
Evy: A-a-AHMENOPHUS!
Johnathan: Hootash im Ahmenophus!
Mummy warriors: *stop pounding Rick. Johnathan is in control of them now*
Johnathan: Go kill Anck-Su-Namun!
Anck-Su-Namun: *dies*
Imhotep: NIII!!!! (No)
Johnathan: Uh oh
Imhotep: *grabs him and pins him on a wall*
Rick: *cuts off his arm*
Imhotep: *throws Rick with his other arm across the room*
Rick: I HATE MUMMIES
Imhotep: *puts his right arm back on*
Johnathan: Hey I somwhow got the key!
Imhotep: *throws Rick across the room again*
Johnathan: *opens the Book of the Living*
Imhotep: *starts to strangle Rick* I HATE YOU AND WANT YOU TO DIE!
Evy: Kadeesh mal! Kadeesh mal! Pared oos!
Imhotep: *drops Rick in terror*
Ghosty chariot: *takes Imhotep's immortal soul*
Imhotep's immortal soul: I STILL HATE YOU!!
Rick: *stabs Imhotep*
Imhotep: OW MY LIVER! *walks into an enchanted bog and turns into a mummy again, but says something in Egyptian before he dies*
Evy: Death is only the beginning AND I SWEAR I'LL COME AFTER YOU AGAIN!
Beni: *stops to rest from carrying gold and puts it on a lever thing*
Ceiling: *goes down slowly*
Beni: Uh oh
Rick and co: RUN!!
Johnathan: *accidetally drops the Book of the Living into the mystical bog*
Evy: LET'S GO JOHNATHAN!
Johnathan: But--but--gold..!
Rick and co: *rush into the chamber of gold*
Johnathan: This is offically the hardest thing I've ever had to do
All three: *get past the ceiling just in time*
Beni: HELP ME RICK!!!
Rick: Bye bye
Beni: *goes back into the chamber of gold*
Hundreds of scarabs: FOOD!!!!
Beni's torch: *goes out*
Beni: Uh oh
Scarabs: FEAST!!!
Rick and co: *run out of the palace*
Palace: *collapses*
Rick: Well that was exciting
Johnathan: Of course we have to go home empty handed
Rick: *looks at Evy* No we don't! *they kiss*
Johnathan: Hey camel, would you like to kiss me?
Camel: Um lemmie think..NO
All 3: *get on the camels and ride into the sunset*
Sun: *glints off the gold Beni put on the camel*
Camel: YAY I'M RICH!
Fin!
Today's Latin: nostro periculo (at our own risk)
Thebes - 2,134 years ago
Narrator guy: Thebes! It's awesome, man! It's the city of the living! IF YOU'RE DEAD STAY OUT! It's the crown jewel of Pharaoh Seti the First..NO TOUCHIE
Imhotep: Rawr
Narrator: Also keep away from Imhotep. Major male PMS. He's the keeper of the dead and has no hair on his body
Anck-Su-Namun: *has almost no clothes on..almost all her entire body is painted*
Narrator: NO ONE was allowed to touch Anck-Su-Namun besides the Pharaoh..man she sure dressed like she wanted every man in Egypt
Anck-Su-Namun: *goes through her bedroom curtains*
Priests painted gold: This isn't a bad sign! Let's stand and watch!
Imhotep: *sees her and drools all over himself*
Anck-Su-Namun and Imhotep: *make out*
Narrator: Behold! I am Imhotep..FEAR MY AWESOME NARRATING SKILLS!
Anck-Su-Namun: AHHH THE PHARAOH'S COMING!!
Pharaoh: *sees gold painted priests* Um, HELLO?? Why are ALL of you here? *pushes past them to Anck-Su-Namun*
Anck-Su-Namun: *smirks*
Pharaoh: *sees smeared paint* OMG WHO TOUCHED YOU?!!!
Anck-Su-Namun: You know I could have just scratched myself, right?
Imhotep: *pulls sword from Pharaoh's scabbard*
Pharaoh: HEY! THAT'S MINE!
Anck-Su-Namun: and Imhotep: *stab the Pharaoh*
*pounding on doors*
Priests: *grab Imhotep*
Anck-Su-Namun: Save yourself! And remember to resurrect me! I KILL MYSELF! *plunges dagger into her body*
Narrator Imhotep: Anck-Su-Namun's body was gonna be cursed *CRIES* IT'S ALL MY FAULT! And the worst part is I had to curse her! If only she didn't have that paint on her! I took her to this place and mummified her
Imhotep: *reads from the Book of the Living which really deals with death*
Narrator Imhotep: I also killed the slaves who buried Anck-Su-Namun cause I wanted her grave SECRET. And then I dug her up again. I was in love! Come on! There was also the Book of the Dead which brought people back to life! I went to the City of the Dead to get it. I tried to resurrect her but people came! WE WERE CONDEMED TO BE MUMMIFIED ALIVE!
Embalmers: *are doing painful things to Imhotep and his priests*
Imhotep: But for me..I had to endure the Hom-Dai, THE WORST CURSE EVAH. I'm the only person they ever used it on. Can I be in the Guinness Book of World Records now? I've always wanted to be famous
Imhotep: *gets his tongue cut out and is wrapped in mummy bandages alive* *thinking* AHHH I CAN'T BREATHEEEE!!!!
Embalmer guy: *dumps scarab beatles on Imhotep*
Narator Imhotep: I WAS EATEN ALIVE! SLOWLY! I was NEVER allowed to be released from my coffin OR PLAGUES WOULD RULE THE WORLD AND I WOULD BE INVINCIBLE! IF I COULD RESURRECT ANCK-SU-NAMUN WE'D BE UNSTOPPABLE! BWAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!
Hamunaptra - The City of the Dead - 1925
People: *are in a battle*
Rick: Oh what a wonderful day!
Beni: *is shaking*
Rick: You're with me right?
Beni: AHHHHH I DON'T WANNA DIE! *runs away*
Armies: *fire at each other*
Beni: *runs into a doorway*
Rick: Waaaait let me innn there's too many of them!
Beni: *closes door all the way*
Rick: YOU ARE SO NOT MY FRIEND ANYMORE! *runs till he's at a dead end*
Guys: *point their guns at him*
Rick: Ohhh this is gonna be painful
Horses: *freak out*
Sand: *makes Imhotep's face*
Sand Imhotep: PLEAAAASE FREEEE MEEEEEE!! I STILL LOVE ANCK-SU-NAMUN!!! HAVE MERCY!!
Rick: AHHHHH!!! *runs away*
The WATCHERS
Creepy rider people: *watch Rick*
Rick: What is up with this place??
Ardeth Bay: TOO BAD THE DESERT WILL KILL YOU!
OMG THE LIBRARY
Evelyn (Evy): *is putting books back on the shelves* Tuthmosis? You're definitely in the wrong section! I'm going to reaaaach all the way behind me instead of just moving the ladder!
Ladder: *stands straight up*
Evy: Help...me...
Ladder: *crashes onto the bookshelf*
All the other bookshelves: *crash into each other*
Evy: That was AWESOME
Curator: OMG ALL THE PLAGUES OF EGYPT WERE A JOY COMPARED TO YOU!
Evy: ..yeah..tell that to me next time you're in a plague
Curator: Why do I even put up with you??
Evy: I CAN READ AND WRITE ANCIENT EGYPTIAN AND CAN PROPERLY CATELOUGE THIS LIBRARY SO THERE!
Curator: Your parents were better than you! Now clean up this mess!
Other room: *creepy noise*
Evy: Um..hello? Who's in here?
Mummy: *pops up and screeches*
Evy: AHHHHHHH!!!!
Johnathan: THAT WAS THE BEST JOKE EVER!
Evy: CAN'T YOU RESPECT THE DEAD??
Johnathan: Actually I'd rather join them
Evy: Well if you wanna ruin your career..
Johnathan: But my sweet sweet sister! My career is GREAT right now
Evy: What do you want now?
Johnathan: I have something to show you!
Evy: I swear if it's another useless trinket..
Johnathan: *shows her a cool box thing*
Evy: WHOA
Johnathan: I came across this in Thebes. Please tell me I've found something! I've never ever found something in my whole liiiiife!
Evy: *opens the box somehow..there's a map inside* You found something
Johnathan: YAAAAAAAY!!!
The curator's office
Evy: See this see this?! *points to map* This is the royal seal of Seti the First!!!
Curator: *bored* Uh huh
Johnathan: I dunno who this Seti guy is but as long as he's rich I don't care!
Evy: He was the wealthiest pharaoh of the old kingdom
Johnathan: I liiiiike this guy *rubs hands together greedily*
Evy: This map is almost 4000 years old and not falling apart in our hands! THIS MAP SHOWS THE CITY OF HAMUNAPTRA!
Curator: Whatever
Evy: It's the city of the dead where early pharaohs hid Egypt's wealth!
Johnathan: *drools*
Evy: The city vanished though
Johnathan: Dangit
Curator: I don't believe in fairy tales
Evy: Then why are you a curator?
Curator: *"accidentaly" catches the map on fire*
Evy and Johnathan: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Johnathan: YOU BURNED THE PART WITH THE LOST CITY! NOW I'LL NEVER BECOME RICH!
Curator: Now you won't waste your lives to find it
Prison of hot love
Evy: YOU STOLE THE BOX FROM THE CASBAH?? YOU SAID YOU FOUND THE BOX IN THEBES! YOU'RE A LIAR!
Johnathan: But I actually found something!
Evy: So why is this guy we're seeking in prison?
Warden: He was looking for a good time
Guards: *shove Rick outside*
Evy: We found your box..thingy..we need to ask you about it
Rick: No, you're asking me to tell you where Hamunaptra is
Evy: How..??
Rick: I found it there, lady!
Johnathan: *comes closer to the bars of the jail* And I bet you're lying!
Rick: *punches him* I'm already in jail, WHAT WOULD BE THE POINT OF LYING?? Idiot
Evy: *stepping over Johnathan and looking at Rick with big eyes* You were actually..AT Hamunaptra?!
Rick: Yes, lady!
Evy: OMG WHAT DID YOU SEE??
Rick: Sand..and more sand..oh and death too. Did I mention sand?
Evy: Tell me how to get there!!
Rick: Come closer
Evy: *comes closer*
Rick: *kisses her* Then get me outta hereeee!
Guards: *hit Rick and drag him away*
Evy: But..but..!
Warden: He's gonna be hanged! Ohhh I love a good hanging!
The gallows of almost death
Evy: OMG please save his life!! I'll give you 100 pounds!!
Warden: I'd PAY that much to see him hanged!
Evy: 200 pounds!
Warden: ...
Evy: 300 pounds!!!
Hangman: *snickers* Last words?
Rick: Yeah..how about you let me go so I can kiss Evy again?
Evy: OMG 500 POUNDS!!
Trapdoor: *falls open*
Warden: YAY his neck didn't break!
Evy: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!! He..he..he knows where Hamunaptra is!
Warden: LIAR
Evy: NEVER!
Warden: This..this..filthy, annoying PIG knows where Hamunaptra is?
Evy: I'll give you 25 percent if you let him go!
Warden: Ohhhhhh...cut him down!
Rick: *rasping* I love you, Evy
Port
Evy: I bet he won't show up!
Johnathan: He may act mean and punch random people, but I think he's a man of his word
Evy: Well I think he's filthy, rude, and obnoxious! I don't li--
Rick: *looking handsome* Hello!
Evy: Whoaaaa
Rick: Sorry about ahh..punching you
Johnathan: Ahhh don't worry about it! It happens all the time!
Evy: Don't remind me
Beni: Move, people, I wanna get to the city in this decade
Rick: *groans* Not him again..
Evy: I swear to you if this is some flimflam you'll pay!
Rick: ..I don't even know what that means. Look, my whole garrison marched without orders halfway across Libya and into Egypt, and there was lots of sand! Sand in my shoes, in my clothes, places you don't even wanna know about
Evy: ...
Johnathan: He is filthy
Warden: Hi peoples!
Evy: I have to sail with YOU?
Warden: I have to make sure you'll give me my money
Ship on the Nile River
Little boat: *glides towards the big ship with ninja-looking guys rowing it*
Johnathan: Play poker with us, Rick! I wanna be more rich!
Rick: I'd rather gamble with my life
Daniels: I bet $500 my boys and I will reach Hamunaptra before you!
Rick: Since I may have attacks on my life before then I'll take that bet
Burns: And you're so confident, why?
Henderson: I have someone here who's been there!
Johnathan: Hey! What a coincidence cause Rick--
Rick: *hits him with bag*
Johnathan: So! Who's turn to deal is it again?
Rawr
Evy: *is reading*
Rick: *throws his sack on the table*
Evy: HEY! Now I lost my place!
Rick: Sorry
Evy: You need to get some manners!
Rick: Sorry, I wasn't born in England
Evy: Ohhh you little--!
Rick: *opens bag..war stuff is inside*
Evy: ..did I miss something?
Rick: SAND. DEADLY SAND. WITH BLOOD
Evy: I'm just looking for a book! The Book of the Living which actually kills people! It made me love Egypt!
Rick: Do you even care it's made out of pure gold?
Evy: Ah..so you are smart. By the way..why did you kiss me?
Rick: I was about to be hanged..I wanted to enjoy something before I died
Evy: You--you--! *storms off*
Rick: Women..
What a pleasant reunion!
Rick: *hears snickering and grabs the person from their hiding place*
Beni: Hi my very good friend!
Rick: I think I'll kill you..so you're the one leading the Americans? I thought you were a big coward..I bet you'll leave them to rot in the desert
Beni: I wish, but Americans are smart..they've only paid me half, so I gotta go all the way. Why are you going back anyway? You never believed in it even though you've been there and there's SAND
Rick: *looks at Evy, who walks off when she sees him*
Beni: *rolls eyes*
Rick: *throws Beni over the side of the boat*
Beni: Hey!! What was that for? I'll kill you for this!!
Rick: *sees wet footprints on the deck* Uh oh
Attack!
Evy: *is reading a book and seems drunk* OMG it was just a kiss! *goes to the mirror, drops her book, amd when she stands back up she sees..*
Hook: GIMMIE THE MAP AND THE KEY!!
Rick: *kicks door open*
Evy: *grabs a candle and puts it on Hook's eye*
Bullet: *goes through a lamp causing a fire to start*
Rick and Evy: *run out of the room*
Evy: Wait we need the map!!
Rick: It's in my miiiind
Evy: WHAT IS IT WITH MEN AND DIRECTIONS??
Hook: *sees the key on the floor* MINE!
Johnathan: *kicks open door which knocks Hook into the fire* No, MINE
Hook: MIIIIINE!!! *is on fire*
Rick and some guy: *shoot at each other*
Rick: Can you swim??
Evy: Of course I can swim, I--hey, what are--PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!
Rick: *throws her overboard and jumps in after her*
Americans: *are shooting like crazy*
Johnathan: *rolls eyes*
Hook: RAAAAAAH!! *is really on fire*
Americans: *shoot him and he goes over the railing*
Johnathan: Good show, good show! Did I panic? *hold up key* I DID NOT! *falls over the railing from a fire explosion*
The riverbank
Evy: OMG all my stuff!! Gone, gone!!
Beni: HEY RICK!! I HAVE ALL THE HORSES THAT SOMEHOW DIDN'T DROWN!!
Rick: *in a sing-song voice* WELL IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE RIII-VERR!
Beni: I hate you
Trading place thingy
Johnathan: I only want four camels!! Not all of them, four!
Trader: ...
Johnathan: Oh WHATEVER *pays him* These are so expensive!
Rick: Well if you gave him Evy we would have got them for free
Evy: HEY!
Johnathan: That would have been tempting!
Evy: *appears wearing a tight dress*
Rick: *drooools*
Somewhere in the Sahara Desert
Johnathan: I HATE camels
Evy: Well I love anything relating to Egypt so I think they're awesome
Night in the desert
Johnathan: *is asleep*
Warden: *is asleep*
Evy: *is asleep*
Rick: ...am I the only one who has sense enough to stay awake??
Ardeth Bay: *watch them*
Rick: Dude! Don't you have anything better to do?
Race!
Rick: We're almost there!
Evy: *sees the same desert she has all this time* You sure about that?
Beni, with the Americans and others: My friend!
Henderson: $500 to whoever gets to the city first!
Sun: *rises*
Hamunaptra: *appears*
Everyone: *takes off*
Beni: *hits Rick*
Rick: *knocks Beni off his camel*
Evy: *gets to the city first* TAKE THAT YA BUNCH OF MEN!
Working at Hamunaptra
People: *clears stuff away*
Evy: *is dusting off a mirror and positions it*
Johnathan: *gets blinded by reflection* OW! Are you TRYING to torture me?
Evy: You must see the awesomeness of the ancient Egyptians!
Old chamber
Evy: OMG THIS IS SO AWESOME!! ANCIENT EGYPTIANS ACTUALLY WALKED HERE!!! OMGOMGOMG!
Johnathan: *facepalms* It just smells bad to me..*looks at the warden* Oh
Evy: *positsions mirror at a ray of light*
Light: *goes around the room bouncing off other mirrors*
Evy: This is a preparation room! An EGYPTIAN preparation room!
Rick: Preparation for what? Do I wanna know?
Evy: To go to the afterlife! I wish I could have seen it!
Rick: ...
Johnathan: This is where they made mummies! Now there's gotta be treasure here somewhere..
Let's crawl through old tunnels!
Cobwebs: *are everywhere*
Everyone: *hears a creepy noise*
Warden: OMG BUGS I HATE BUGS
Then they find..the Chamber of Anubis!
Noise: *is heard again*
Warden: *cowers in fear*
Rick: *cocks his gun and finds..*
The Americans: AHHH A MUMMY!! No wait..
Evy: *rolls eyes*
Daniels: This is OUR statue, PUNK
Rick: WE GOT HERE FIRST!
Everyone: *cocks guns*
Evy: OMG MEN! Let's find somewhere else to dig!
Johnathan: But..but..treasure..!
DON DON DON
Rick and Johnathan: *are trying to dig through the ceiling*
Evy: We should be under the statue of Anubis..WE'LL DIG RIGHT BETWEEN HIS LEGS!
Rick: *raises eyebrow*
Jonathan: I'll steal the treasure when those dirty Americans..no offense..are asleep!
Rick: Well I don't look clean do I?
Johnathan: *doesn't smell the bad smell anymore* We lost the warden
Evy and Rick: So?
Treasure?
Warden: *sees a wall with scarabs* OOO TREASURE!! *starts prying them out of the wall*
Back in the Chamber of Anubis
Henderson: *tries to break through a wall*
Egyptoligist: Really, an Egyptian pharaoh wan't THAT stupid
Diggers: *start to open it instead*
Back in the other chamber
Rick: *is still trying to dig through the ceiling* I do NOT wanna be mummified! I don't want a red-hot poker going up through my nose!
Evy: Well I'm gonna be mummified when I die!
Johnathan: *hits the ceiling with something and it collapses*
Sargophagus: *falls to the ground*
Back in the Chamber of Anubus..
Diggers: *get sprayed with acid*
Egyptologist: I TOLD you Seti wasn't stupid!
Henderson: *touches his face in amazement that it could have been him*
Whoa!
Evy: OMG IT'S A SARCOPHAGUS! ONE I NOT IN A MUSEUM I CAN ACTUALLY TOUCH!!
Johnathan: Thanks Captain Obvious
Evy: They buried him under Anubis..he must have been a bad, bad boy!
Back to the warden..
Warden: *still gathering scarabs* Eeee treasure! *accidentally drops one*
Shell: *breaks open*
Scarab: I'M FEASTING ON HUMAN TODAAAAAY! *crawls into his shoe*
Warden: AHHH BUGS!!!! *sees it inside of him* AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! MY SPLEEN!! MY BRAAAAAIIIN!!
More mummyness!
Evy: *reads the hierogyphics on the sarcophagus*
Hierogyphics: "He shall not be named CAUSE WE HATE HIM AND NEVER WANNA THINK ABOUT HIM AGAIN!"
Evy: DANGIT!
Rick: Hey there's some kinda lock here..they really did hate him
Evy: *GASP* THE KEY OPENS THIS SARCOPHAGUS! JOHNATHAN I LOVE YOU
She's about to open it when...
Warden: MY BRAAAAAAIN!!!!!!! *runs and slams into a wall*
Rick: ..oooook
Campfire time
Evy: What do you think killed the warden?
Johnathan: He ran into a stone wall!
Rick: Well did you hear the American's diggers were killed by pressurized salt acid?
Johnathan: *opens the warden's pouch and reaches inside* AHHH!
Evy: OH NOES!
Johnathan: *pulls out a bottle of liquor* LET'S GET DRUNK!
Rick: *hears horses coming* Stay here! These people like to stare at you
Evy: *runs after him*
Battle
Americans: *are fighting like crazy* YEEE HAW!
Ardeth Bay: *stares*
Rick: *knocks him off his horse*
Ardeth Bay: *stares more*
Rick: ...
Ardeth Bay: LEAVE THIS PLACE OR DIE! *gallops away with the survivors*
Johnathan: YOU JUST WANT THE TREASURE FOR YOURSELF!
Whee!
Evy: WE ARE LIKE SOOOO DRUNK MAAAAAN
Rick: *offers bottle to Evy again*
Evy: I CAN SAY NO *takes another sip*
Rick: Uh huh
Evy: I bet you're wondering..what's a place like Egypt doing in a girl like me? IT'S IN MY BLOOD MAAAAAN. My father married an Egyptian!
Rick: So why are you here?
Evy: HEY! I MAY NOT FIGHT WITH GUNS BUT I'M PROUD OF WHO I AM
Rick: Which is?
Evy: I...AM A LIBRARIAN
Rick: *looks at her weirdly*
Evy: And now..I am going to kiss you! *passes out instead*
Rick: Man!
Anubis' Chamber
Diggers: *bring out a chest*
Egyptologist: This chest..is cursed
Daniels: But it has treasure!
Egyptologist: *reads heirogyphics* OPEN THIS CHEST AND YOU WILL DIE! THIS TREASURE IS STILL OURS EVEN THOUGH WE'RE DEAD!
Diggers: *run away*
Egyptologist: *still reading* THE UNDEAD WILL COME BACK TO LIFE AND TAKE YOUR ORGANS. BRAAAAAAINNNNS!
Beni: *runs away*
Henderson: Does he always do that when there's danger? *kicks open the box*
Juicy mummy time
Evy: OMG I'VE DREAMED ABOUT DOING THIS SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
Rick: ..you dreamed about dead people?
Evy: EGYPTIAN dead people
Rick: ..are you still drunk?
Evy: Aw MAN! The sacred spells are chiseled off! He was cursed
Johnathan: Can we just see who's inside now?
Evy: *opens it*
Mummy: RAAAAAH! *pops out*
Rick: Are mummies supposed to look that juicy?
Mummy (Imhotep): *hasn't finished decaying and has a creepy expression*
Evy: He's still decaying and it's been 4000 years!
Rick: And he somehow wrote something on the coffin lid even though he was mummified..AHHHH! *holds nose tenderly*
Evy: He was obviously buried alive, idiot
Rick: He must have been amazing since he could break out of those mummy rappings and have fingernails strong enough to carve it
Evy: It says "Death is only the beginning. I SWEAR I WILL COME BACK FOR ANCK-SU-NAMUN!!!"
Anubis' Chamber
Egyptologist: *takes out the Book of the Dead from the chest* Now this is treasure
Daniels: But it's not made out of gold! *kicks the chest in anger*
Compartment: *opens*
Canopic jars: *are inside*
Daniels: TREASURE!!!
Night
Henderson: LOOK WHAT WE FOUND! *holds up canopic jar*
Evy: You know the mummifiers used those to put organs in?
Henderson: So?
Burns: We heard you found a juicy mummy! You should dry him out and use him for firewood!
Evy: *rolls eyes and shows them some scarab corpses* These were in the mummy's coffin. They just loooove human flesh and eat it for yearssss..slowly
Rick: I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WANNA BE MUMMIFIED
Johnathan: I bet he made out with the pharaoh's daughter
Audience: OMG!
Evy: Well I think he suffered the Hom-Dai, A CURSE SO BAD NO ONE EVER WANTED TO USE IT! If this guy ever awakens HE WILL PLAUGUE THE WORLD!
Rick: Good thing we don't have to worry about that
Later at night
Evy: *sees the Egyptologist sleeping with a canopic jar and the Book of the Dead* And people call me obsessed *takes the Book*
Rick: What's that?
Evy: The Book of the Dead that's not falling apart in my hands even though it's like a billion years old!
Rick: You know the Egyptians weren't stupid..are you sure you should be messing around with it?
Evy: It's a BOOK. I won't unleash hell at all by reading out of it! *starts reading* "YOU ARE RELEASED FROM THE FIREY DEPTHS OF THE UNDERWORLD!!!"
Imhotep: *becomes alive* RAAAAAAAH!
Evy: "FIRE! PAIN! DISEASE! RUN PEOPLE RUN!"
Egyptologist: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YOU MUSN'T READ FROM THE BOOK!
Evy: But I was just getting into it!
Locusts: *appear*
Rick: I TOLD you it was a bad idea! RUN TO THE TEMPLE!
And in this labyrinth..where night is blind..
Burns: *gets knocked down*
Glasses: *get crushed*
Rick, Evy, Johnathan: *run into a room*
Scarabs: *come out of the ground*
Burns: *feels his way along the wall*
Shadow: *rushes past*
Burns: Ha ha, very funny guys
Imhotep: RAAAAAH!
Burns: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Rick, Evy, Johnathan: *jump to the side, avoiding the scarabs*
Evy: *leans back*
Wall: *opens and Evy dissapears inside*
Johnathan: OMG EVY'S GONE
Evy: That was rude! Stupid wall! *sees Burns* Hello?
Burns: *turns around..his eyes and tongue are gone*
Evy: *backs up and bumps into Imhotep*
Imhotep: Anck-Su-Namun!
Evy: Um, no I'm Evy! AND I CAN SPEAK YOUR LANGUAGE SO THERE!
Imhotep: ANCK-SU-NAMUN!!!!!!
Evy: *sighs*
Rick: *has found where Evy dissapeared but can't open it*
Henderson: RUUUUUN!!
Scarabs: *are chasing them*
Guy: *trips and gets eaten by the scarabs in like 5 seconds*
Rick: HEY! I thought they ate you slowly!
Imhotep: *steps closer to Evy*
Evy: Um..ew! If I'm thinking what you're thinking don't even try cause you're like 4000 years old
Imhotep: KADEESH PHAROS ANCK-SU-NAMUN!!!
Evy: Am I not speaking Egyptian?? I SAID MY NAME IS EVY
Rick: *comes running into the room and sees Evy staring* WILL YOU STOP PLAYING AROUND AND--WHOA!!
Imhotep: *in Egyptian* If you take Anck-Su-Namun away I'll kill you!
Rick: *shoots him and runs away with Evy and co*
*stares*
All run out of the room and find..
Ardeth Bay: *stares*
Rick: What do you want??
Ardeth Bay: YOU HAVE UNLEASHED THE CREATURE WE HAVE FEARD FOR LIKE A BILLION YEARS!
Rick: Actually that was Evy
Evy: HEY!
Rick: I killed him anyway
Ardeth Bay: HE CAN'T BE KILLED WITH MORTAL WEAPONS CAUSE HE'S AN ALIEN FROM OUTER SPACE!
Rick: ...
Beni and Imhotep
Beni: *backs into Imhotep* AHHHHHHH!!!
Imhotep: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you
Beni: *pulls out religous symbols from a necklace and says things in different languages..nothing seems to be working*
Beni: *pulls out the Star of David and says something in Hebrew*
Imhotep: *gasp* The language of slaves! Even though I hate slaves I'm gonna reward you! *shows him gold and a canopic jar* NOW FIND ME THE OTHERS AND I'LL SPARE YOU!
Some place
People: *show Burns to the others*
Henderson: OMG WHAT DID YOU DO TO HIM?
Ardeth Bay: Saved him, you idiots. If you don't want the creature to take body parts out of you then leave
Rick: I SAID I killed him!
Ardeth Bay: Then he'll most definitely come for you! He'll NEVER sleep, NEVER eat, NEVER go to the bathroom, NEVER stop until he fulfills the curse and raises Anck-Su-Namun from the dead
People: *leave the city*
Imhotep's hand: *breaks through the sand and yells*
People: *somehow don't hear it*
A hotel?
Rick: *starts packing* We are leaaaving
Evy: YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME! We woke this guy up and the must be stopped!
Rick: We?? YOU READ THE BOOK! He can't be killed by mortal weapons anyway!
Evy: Then I'll find immortal weapons!
Rick: Well I'm leaving
Evy: But this guy could destroy the world!
Rick: Well you should have thought of that before you read the book! Not my problem anyway
Evy: Do you know what he said earlier?? He said he'd kill you if you took me away from him!
Rick: Lady, how was I supposed to know a mummy was gonna fall in love with you? I only agreed to bring you there and I did so contract terminated!
Evy: Oh you little--!
Rick: Either come with me or you can be stalked by this mummy guy
Evy: Bye bye Rick
Bar
Winston: *obviously drunk* I'm the last of the Royal Air Force here! I--*steps in a fountain* HEY! Someone spilled their drink! I WANT A CHALLENGE I'M WORTHY ENOUGH TO DO!
Rick: Here we go again
Winston: I WISH I DIED WITH THE OTHERS WITH GLORY INSTEAD OF SITTING HERE BEING BORED!
Henderson: At least you don't have a mummy after you!
Everyone: *spit out their drinks at once*
Drinks: *have turned to blood*
Rick: The mummy's here! *goes to find Evy* Oh Evyyy, we have problems!
Hail of fire: *rains down*
Burns: *tries to touch Imhotep*
Beni: NO TOUCHIE. Now Imhotep has to finish his work. Bye bye
Rick: *sees Beni run out of the room* HEY! What are you doing now you idiot?
Burns: *screams*
Beni: *runs away*
Inhotep: *has sucked all the juices out of Burns*
Rick, Evy, etc: *run into the room*
Imhotep: *is regenerating himself from what he took from Burns*
Rick: *shoots him*
Imhotep: AHAHAHA WHEEE! *throws Rick across the room and turns to Evy*
Evy: Ohhh here we go again
Imhotep: I SHALL MAKE YOU IMMORTAL! *leans in to kiss her*
Cat: Meow! *walks on piano keys, successfully playing Fur Elise*
Imhotep: AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *turns into sand and goes through the window*
Meeting at the museum
Evy: We must have answers!
Ardeth Bay: *stares*
Rick and the Americans: *draw their guns*
Rick: WHY DO I KEEP RUNNING IN TO YOU?!
Curator: Well you'll never find out if you shoot us
Everyone: *gathers in the display of Seti the First and his chariot*
Curator: We are an ancient cult and have guarded the City of the Dead AND WE HAVE TRIED TO STOP IMHOTEP FROM BEING REBORN
Rick: By staring at us?
Ardeth Bay: WE FAILED CAUSE OF YOU!
Rick: AGAIN, Evy read from the book!
Evy: I'M NOT GONNA HAVE YOU PEOPLE KILL OTHER PEOPLE CAUSE OF ME!
Curator: Imhotep already has
Rick: Keep a cat around you, he's afraid of them!
Curator: When he's fully regenerated he'll fear nothing!
Daniels: HE'LL KILL EVERYONE WHO OPENED THE CHEST!
Rick: Then YOU keep cats around you
Curator: Then he'll try and ressurrect his love!
Evy: Anck-Su-Namun? He called me that earlier..and tried to kiss me
Curator: Have fun being a human sacrifice
Evy: WHAT?
Sun: *is going into an eclipse*
Back at the building place
Evy: Anyone have immortal weapons? WE MUST STOP HIS REGENERATION! Who opened the chest?
Henderson: Me, Daniels, Burns, the Egyptologist
Rick: What about Benni?
Henderson: He ran away
Rick: HA!
Evy: We must bring the Egyptologist here and 500 cats so he can be safe!
Rick: Evy, stay here..Burns, Henderson, come with me
Henderson: Uh WHAT? I'm staying right here thank you
Daniels: Me too!
Evy: I'M going. I'm the one who messed up!
Daniels: But you're a girl!
Evy: And I can also SPEAK HIS LANGUAGE
Rick: *picks up Evy, puts her in her room, and locks the door*
Evy: HEY!!! Oh you little--! OPEN THE DOOR THIS INSTANT!
Rick: Don't you dare let her out. Johnathan, you're coming with me
Henderson: *phew*
Scary alley
Egyptologist: I DON'T WANNA DIE I DON'T WANNA DIE *is holding the Book of the Dead and a canopic jar*
Imhotep: *is stalking him*
Oh the joy of friendship!
Beni: *is ransacking the Egyptologist's office*
Rick: Well isn't it my friend Beni! Are you spring cleaning? Well guess what? IT'S NOT SPRING *throws a chair at Beni who tries to run away*
Beni: Back! Head! Shoulder! RICK!
Rick: *lifts him up* So who's your friend?
Beni: You're my only friend!
Rick: HA!! WHY ARE YOU SERVING IMHOTEP?
Beni: I AM IMMUNE
Rick: IMMUNE FROM WHAT YOU IDIOT?
Beni: *says something in a different language*
Rick: *slams him onto a table* WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Beni: You keep hurting me so why should I tell you?
Rick: *holds him up to the moving fan*
Beni: AHHHH THE BLACK BOOK! We could have lots of diamonds from it you know
Rick: Why does he want it?
Beni: Uhhh..
Rick: *holds him closer to the fan*
Beni: AHHH HE WANTS TO BRING HIS GIRLFRIEND BACK TO LIFE! And Evy. Now take THIS! *hits him and leaps out the window*
Rick and Johnathan: *hear a scream*
Imhotep: *has taken the Egyptologist's fluids and has regenerated more* That'll teach you FROM STEALING MY GIRLFRIEND'S MUMMIFIED ORGANS! *opens his mouth wiiiide and tons of flies come out*
Uh oh
Daniels: OMG I'M SO BORED! I'm going to get a drink! Want anything?
Henderson: A glass of bourbon, a bourbon chaser, a shot of bourbon, a HUGE pitcher of bourbon, a--
Daniels: OK I GET YOUR POINT! *leaves*
Henderson: *takes out his canopic jar, places it in a chair, and takes out his gun like he's gonna shoot it*
Imhotep: MINE! *takes his fluids*
Ew
Imhotep: *walks over to Evy's door, finding it locked* Not a problem! *turns into sand and pours into her room through a keyhole*
Evy: *is sleeping*
Imhotep: *kisses Evy*
Evy: *opens her eyes and flails*
Rick: *forces the door open*
Imhotep: RAWR!!!
Rick: Oh yeah? Here's a nice cat for ya!
Imhotep: NOOOOOO!!! *turns into sand and goes out the window*
Evy: EW EWWWW MUMMY EWWWW *brushes teeth for an hour*
Museum
Evy: So..the Book of the Dead brings people to life
Curator: And the golden Book of the Living kills people!
Johnathan: Did you say golden?
Mob outside: IMMMMHOOOTEPPPP IMMMHOOOOTEPPPP!
Evy: I gotta translate this stone!
Mob: *pounds on the doors*
Rick: Hurry up, Evy!
Evy: Patience is a virtueee!
Rick: IT ISN'T IF YOU WANNA LIVE!
Evy: THE BOOK OF THE LIVING IS INSIDE THE STATUE OF HORUS! TAKE THAT, MISTER GUNFIGHTER!
Race through the mob
Johnathan: *goes to get the car*
Mob members: *come running after him*
Johnathan: *looking zombie-like* Imhooooteppppp Imhooootepppp
Mob members: IMHOTEP!! IMHOTEP!!
Johnathan: *phew* *gets the car and picks up the others*
Beni: OMG IMHOTEP!
Imhotep: RAAAAAAH!
Rick: I SWEAR YOU'LL BE PUNISHED FOR THIS, BENI!
Beni: Ooooh I'm soooo scared
Mob: *tries to get on the car*
Daniels: *gets yanked out*
Mob: Imhoooootepppp
Daniels: *shoots them till he has no bullets left*
Imhotep: *comes through the crowd*
Daniels: *takes out his canopic jar*
Imhotep: RAAAAAAAH!!!! *takes his fluids*
Car: *crashes and the mob surrounds Rick and co*
Imhotep: *appears there too*
Curator: He's fully regenerated!
Imhotep: Koontash dai na!
Beni: *translating* TAKE MY HAND SO I CAN KILL YOU TO RAISE MY DEAD GIRLFRIEND! Also, I'll spare the others
Evy: Dude..I CAN SPEAK EGYPTIAN. Why are you translating for me?
Imhotep: Keetah mi pharos, aja nilo, isirlan!
Beni: *ignoring Evy* YOU'RE MIIIIINE....FOREVAH
Evy: FOR ALL ETERNITY, you idiot
Beni: SAME DIFFERENCE
Evy: Please don't let him turn me into a mummy! At least not yet. You'll be the first one he comes after, Rick!
Rick: That's comforting
Imhotep: *rips the key out of Johnathan's shirt*
Johnathan: HEY! You could have asked first!
Evy: *takes Imhotep's hand and the crowd parts for them*
Imhotep: Pared oos!!
Evy: NOOOOOO!!!! YOU SAID YOU'D SPARE THEM!
Imhotep: They were spared for five minutes. PARED OOS!!
Beni: KILL THEM!
Rick: *opens a majorly convenient manhole and everybody but the curator jumps in*
Curator: I'LL FIGHT EVERY ONE OF YOU! I'LL--*dies*
Brave Winston
Rick: *explains his problem to Winston*
Winston: And that has..what to do with His Majesty's Royal Air Corp?
Rick: Absolutely nothing
Winston: YAY! Is it dangerous?
Rick: Well you'll probably die like practically everyone we've come across
Winston: AWESOME! Let's go!
Desert
Evy and Beni: *were transported there through Imhotep's sand appearance*
Evy: UGH!
Everyone: *hears a plane*
Winston: *is flying*
Rick: *has the gun, of course*
Johnathan: *is tied to the left wing*
Ardeth Bay: *is tied to the right wing*
Rick: *to Ardeth Bay* How are ya!
Ardeth Bay: THIS IS THE MOST AWESOME THING I'VE EVER DONE!
Rick: *to Johnathan* And how are you?
Johnathan: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Imhotep: *opens his mouth wide and makes a sand wall*
Winston: *sees the sand wall* OOOOOH AWESOME!
Rick: *sees Imhotep's face in the sand and shoots it*
Imhotep: OW! DARN YOU! *engulfs the plane*
Winston: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Evy: OMG STOP YOU'LL KILL THEM
Imhotep: *is too concentrated to listen*
Evy: FINE THEN! *kisses him*
Imhotep: Oooooh
Sandstorm: *is weakening*
Evy: *sees her plan is working but the plane crashes*
Imhotep: *glares*
Johnathan: AHHHHH HELP MEEEEEE!
Winston: *is dead*
Plane: *sinks into quicksand*
Johnathan, Rick, and Ardeth Bay: *start walking to Hamunaptra*
Hamunaptra
Rick: We gotta find Horus!
Evy: *stops and looks at where Imhotep took her to*
Beni: HEY! WHO TOLD YOU TO STOP?
Evy: YOU'LL GET YOUR COMEUPPANCE!
Beni: What?
Rick and Ardeth Bay: *are digging out a collapsed doorway*
Johnathan: *sees a scarab* OOO TREASURE!! *picks it up and it burrows into his skin* OMG HELP OMG!!
Rick: *takes out a knife and somehow gets the scarab out*
Scarab: HEY! I haven't eaten in 4000 years!
Rick: *shoots it*
Imhotep: *hears it*
Evy: YAAAAAY RICK!
Imhotep: *blows dust from a jar onto a wall*
Mummies: *come alive*
Imhotep: KILL THEMMM
Another chamber
Rick: *sees a shaft of light shining on a mirror..shoots the mirror and suddenly the whole room is lit up*
Chamber: *is full of treasure*
Johnathan: O....M....G
Mummies: *walk in*
Rick and Ardeth Bay: *shoot them*
Beni: *finds the chamber* Oooooh!!
Evy: *finds herself chained to a table..she looks to the side and sees..Anck-Su-Namun's mummified body* All of this trouble and killing over her..AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT! *sobs*
Rick and co: *run into the chamber of Horus*
Ardeth Bay: *blasts the mummies with dynamite*
Mummies: *surround the altar Evy's on and starts chanting*
Imhotep: *takes the Book of the Dead and starts reading it..a black shadow starts taking form*
Ardeth Bay: *is still fighting the mummies*
Johnathan: *pulls out the Book of the Living made out of gold from under the statue of Horus*
Rick: Whoa
Johnathan: *drools*
Ardeth Bay: STOP DROOLING AND GO SAVE EVY AND KILL THE CREATURE!
Greed
Beni: *is dragging treasure outside to take with him and ties it onto a camel and goes back for more*
Camel: I'm rich!
Back in the chamber
Imhotep: *is still reading from the Book*
Shadow thingy: *goes into Anck-Su-Namun's body*
Anck-Su-Namun: *groans*
Evy: MAN you have bad breath!
Imhotep: *raises a knife over Evy* I SHALL KILL YOU SO I CAN BE WITH MY LOVE AGAINNN!
Rick and Johnathan: *burst in*
Johnathan: Look, I found the Book of the Living!
Imhotep: OMG!
Evy: WILL YOU STOP TRYING TO GET YOURSELF KILLED AND GET ME OFF HERE??
Imhotep: *to his mummy warriors* AHEMU SETNA! (Kill them!)
Evy: Open the book and kill him already!
Rick: *fights the mummies*
Johnathan: It needs a key!
Evy: Read the inscription on the cover!
Johnathan: Ebarra im hatu Kashka..
Anck-Su-Namun and Evy: *get in a girl fight*
Evy: WILL YOU FINISH THE INSCRIPTION ON THE COVER ALREADY??
Johnathan: I can't read the last symbol!
Evy: WELL WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE??
Johnathan: A stork thingy!
Anck-Su-Namun: *starts to strangle Evy*
Evy: A-a-AHMENOPHUS!
Johnathan: Hootash im Ahmenophus!
Mummy warriors: *stop pounding Rick. Johnathan is in control of them now*
Johnathan: Go kill Anck-Su-Namun!
Anck-Su-Namun: *dies*
Imhotep: NIII!!!! (No)
Johnathan: Uh oh
Imhotep: *grabs him and pins him on a wall*
Rick: *cuts off his arm*
Imhotep: *throws Rick with his other arm across the room*
Rick: I HATE MUMMIES
Imhotep: *puts his right arm back on*
Johnathan: Hey I somwhow got the key!
Imhotep: *throws Rick across the room again*
Johnathan: *opens the Book of the Living*
Imhotep: *starts to strangle Rick* I HATE YOU AND WANT YOU TO DIE!
Evy: Kadeesh mal! Kadeesh mal! Pared oos!
Imhotep: *drops Rick in terror*
Ghosty chariot: *takes Imhotep's immortal soul*
Imhotep's immortal soul: I STILL HATE YOU!!
Rick: *stabs Imhotep*
Imhotep: OW MY LIVER! *walks into an enchanted bog and turns into a mummy again, but says something in Egyptian before he dies*
Evy: Death is only the beginning AND I SWEAR I'LL COME AFTER YOU AGAIN!
Beni: *stops to rest from carrying gold and puts it on a lever thing*
Ceiling: *goes down slowly*
Beni: Uh oh
Rick and co: RUN!!
Johnathan: *accidetally drops the Book of the Living into the mystical bog*
Evy: LET'S GO JOHNATHAN!
Johnathan: But--but--gold..!
Rick and co: *rush into the chamber of gold*
Johnathan: This is offically the hardest thing I've ever had to do
All three: *get past the ceiling just in time*
Beni: HELP ME RICK!!!
Rick: Bye bye
Beni: *goes back into the chamber of gold*
Hundreds of scarabs: FOOD!!!!
Beni's torch: *goes out*
Beni: Uh oh
Scarabs: FEAST!!!
Rick and co: *run out of the palace*
Palace: *collapses*
Rick: Well that was exciting
Johnathan: Of course we have to go home empty handed
Rick: *looks at Evy* No we don't! *they kiss*
Johnathan: Hey camel, would you like to kiss me?
Camel: Um lemmie think..NO
All 3: *get on the camels and ride into the sunset*
Sun: *glints off the gold Beni put on the camel*
Camel: YAY I'M RICH!
Fin!
Today's Latin: nostro periculo (at our own risk)
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
SO MANY LAUGHS!
Date: 2007-07-18 04:03 pm (UTC)Narrator: NO ONE was allowed to touch Anck-Su-Namun besides the Pharaoh..man she sure dressed like she wanted every man in Egypt
Imhotep: But for me..I had to endure the Hom-Dai, THE WORST CURSE EVAH. I'm the only person they ever used it on. Can I be in the Guinness Book of World Records now? I've always wanted to be famous
Imhotep: *gets his tongue cut out and is wrapped in mummy bandages alive* *thinking* AHHH I CAN'T BREATHEEEE!!!!
Ladder: *crashes onto the bookshelf*
All the other bookshelves: *crash into each other*
Evy: That was AWESOME
Curator: OMG ALL THE PLAGUES OF EGYPT WERE A JOY COMPARED TO YOU!
Johnathan: I came across this in Thebes. Please tell me I've found something! I've never ever found something in my whole liiiiife!
Evy: *opens the box somehow..there's a map inside* You found something
Johnathan: YAAAAAAAY!!!
Evy: OMG WHAT DID YOU SEE??
Rick: Sand..and more sand..oh and death too. Did I mention sand?
Evy: Ah..so you are smart. By the way..why did you kiss me?
Rick: I was about to be hanged..I wanted to enjoy something before I died
Evy: You--you--! *storms off*
Rick: Women..
Beni: HEY RICK!! I HAVE ALL THE HORSES THAT SOMEHOW DIDN'T DROWN!!
Rick: *in a sing-song voice* WELL IT LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE RIII-VERR!
Beni: I hate you
Evy: *appears wearing a tight dress*
Rick: *drooools*
Somewhere in the Sahara Desert
Johnathan: I HATE camels
Evy: Well I love anything relating to Egypt so I think they're awesome
Night in the desert
Johnathan: *is asleep*
Warden: *is asleep*
Evy: *is asleep*
Rick: ...am I the only one who has sense enough to stay awake??
Ardeth Bay: *watch them*
Rick: Dude! Don't you have anything better to do?
Rick: *cocks his gun and finds..*
The Americans: AHHH A MUMMY!! No wait..
Evy: *rolls eyes*
Daniels: This is OUR statue, PUNK
Warden: *still gathering scarabs* Eeee treasure! *accidentally drops one*
Shell: *breaks open*
Scarab: I'M FEASTING ON HUMAN TODAAAAAY! *crawls into his shoe*
Warden: AHHH BUGS!!!! *sees it inside of him* AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! MY SPLEEN!! MY BRAAAAAIIIN!!
Evy: *reads the hierogyphics on the sarcophagus*
Hierogyphics: "He shall not be named CAUSE WE HATE HIM AND NEVER WANNA THINK ABOUT HIM AGAIN!"
Evy: DANGIT!
She's about to open it when...
Warden: MY BRAAAAAAIN!!!!!!! *runs and slams into a wall*
Rick: ..oooook
Rick: Well did you hear the American's diggers were killed by pressurized salt acid?
Johnathan: *opens the warden's pouch and reaches inside* AHHH!
Evy: OH NOES!
Evy: WE ARE LIKE SOOOO DRUNK MAAAAAN
Rick: *offers bottle to Evy again*
Evy: I CAN SAY NO *takes another sip*
Rick: Uh huh
Evy: I bet you're wondering..what's a place like Egypt doing in a girl like me? IT'S IN MY BLOOD MAAAAAN. My father married an Egyptian!
Rick: So why are you here?
Evy: HEY! I MAY NOT FIGHT WITH GUNS BUT I'M PROUD OF WHO I AM
Rick: Which is?
Evy: I...AM A LIBRARIAN
Rick: *looks at her weirdly*
Evy: And now..I am going to kiss you! *passes out instead*
Rick: Man!
Egyptologist: *still reading* THE UNDEAD WILL COME BACK TO LIFE AND TAKE YOUR ORGANS. BRAAAAAAINNNNS!
Beni: *runs away*
Henderson: Does he always do that when there's danger? *kicks open the box*
Evy: OMG I'VE DREAMED ABOUT DOING THIS SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL
Rick: ..you dreamed about dead people?
Evy: EGYPTIAN dead people
Rick: ..are you still drunk?
Evy: It's a BOOK. I won't unleash hell at all by reading out of it! *starts reading* "YOU ARE RELEASED FROM THE FIREY DEPTHS OF THE UNDERWORLD!!!"
Imhotep: *becomes alive* RAAAAAAAH!
Evy: "FIRE! PAIN! DISEASE! RUN PEOPLE RUN!"
Egyptologist: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! YOU MUSN'T READ FROM THE BOOK!
Evy: But I was just getting into it!
Locusts: *appear*
Rick: I TOLD you it was a bad idea! RUN TO THE TEMPLE!
Imhotep: *steps closer to Evy*
Evy: Um..ew! If I'm thinking what you're thinking don't even try cause you're like 4000 years old
Rick: I SAID I killed him!
Ardeth Bay: Then he'll most definitely come for you! He'll NEVER sleep, NEVER eat, NEVER go to the bathroom, NEVER stop until he fulfills the curse and raises Anck-Su-Namun from the dead
PART TWO! Hehehe.
Date: 2007-07-18 04:10 pm (UTC)Burns: *screams*
Beni: *runs away*
Cat: Meow! *walks on piano keys, successfully playing Fur Elise*
Beni: I AM IMMUNE
Rick: IMMUNE FROM WHAT YOU IDIOT?
Beni: *says something in a different language*
Rick: *slams him onto a table* WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Beni: You keep hurting me so why should I tell you?
Imhotep: *has taken the Egyptologist's fluids and has regenerated more* That'll teach you FROM STEALING MY GIRLFRIEND'S MUMMIFIED ORGANS! *opens his mouth wiiiide and tons of flies come out*
Daniels: OMG I'M SO BORED! I'm going to get a drink! Want anything?
Henderson: A glass of bourbon, a bourbon chaser, a shot of bourbon, a HUGE pitcher of bourbon, a--
Daniels: OK I GET YOUR POINT! *leaves*
Evy: EW EWWWW MUMMY EWWWW *brushes teeth for an hour*
Johnathan: *goes to get the car*
Mob members: *come running after him*
Johnathan: *looking zombie-like* Imhooooteppppp Imhooootepppp
Mob members: IMHOTEP!! IMHOTEP!!
Johnathan: *phew* *gets the car and picks up the others*
Imhotep: Koontash dai na!
Beni: *translating* TAKE MY HAND SO I CAN KILL YOU TO RAISE MY DEAD GIRLFRIEND! Also, I'll spare the others
Evy: Dude..I CAN SPEAK EGYPTIAN. Why are you translating for me?
Imhotep: Keetah mi pharos, aja nilo, isirlan!
Beni: *ignoring Evy* YOU'RE MIIIIINE....FOREVAH
Evy: FOR ALL ETERNITY, you idiot
Beni: SAME DIFFERENCE
Rick: *opens a majorly convenient manhole and everybody but the curator jumps in*
Rick: *explains his problem to Winston*
Winston: And that has..what to do with His Majesty's Royal Air Corp?
Rick: Absolutely nothing
Winston: YAY! Is it dangerous?
Rick: Well you'll probably die like practically everyone we've come across
Winston: AWESOME! Let's go!
Johnathan: *sees a scarab* OOO TREASURE!! *picks it up and it burrows into his skin* OMG HELP OMG!!
Rick: *takes out a knife and somehow gets the scarab out*
Scarab: HEY! I haven't eaten in 4000 years!
Rick: *shoots it*
Rick: Whoa
Johnathan: *drools*
Ardeth Bay: STOP DROOLING AND GO SAVE EVY AND KILL THE CREATURE!
Beni: *is dragging treasure outside to take with him and ties it onto a camel and goes back for more*
Camel: I'm rich!
Imhotep: *is still reading from the Book*
Shadow thingy: *goes into Anck-Su-Namun's body*
Anck-Su-Namun: *groans*
Evy: MAN you have bad breath!
Imhotep: *starts to strangle Rick* I HATE YOU AND WANT YOU TO DIE!
Evy: Kadeesh mal! Kadeesh mal! Pared oos!
Imhotep: *drops Rick in terror*
Ghosty chariot: *takes Imhotep's immortal soul*
Imhotep's immortal soul: I STILL HATE YOU!!
Rick: *stabs Imhotep*
Imhotep: OW MY LIVER!
Rick: *looks at Evy* No we don't! *they kiss*
Johnathan: Hey camel, would you like to kiss me?
Camel: Um lemmie think..NO
Hehehe I lovvveee your parodies! You need to keep them coming, heehee, you're very talented! :)
no subject
Date: 2007-07-18 04:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-18 06:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-18 06:56 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-18 06:58 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-07-19 12:15 am (UTC)Ahem. I mean . . . hello. ^_^